Five and a Half Years
by rubyinthetardis
Summary: AU of GITF where the Doctor isn't gone for five and a half hours, he's gone for five and a half years. Rated M for self harm in later chapters and some smut.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey everyone, it's been so long since I wrote a chapter fic but I've had this idea stuck in my head for the past week I just had to write it down. Hope you enjoy!**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who**

* * *

Rose always kept a personal calendar on the TARDIS ever since she began travelling with the Doctor. She put it on the fridge in the kitchen, and crossed off every day as she went along, only doing this in order to keep in track with her birthdays, holidays and her menstrual cycle, she never anticipated just how useful this calendar would turn out to be.

The Doctor had left. He went to save Reinette, without a second thought. Rose simply stood there, ignoring Mickey's constant questions about what they were to do next, tears falling slowly down her cheeks. After about 4 hours, Rose was snapped out of her trance by Mickey shaking her, his hands gripping onto her shoulders.

"Rose, babe, you've got to eat. Come on, I'll make us both something in the TARDIS, okay?" Rose simply shook her head.

"I'm not hungry." Mickey sighed and went into the TARDIS. A few more hours passed and Rose could barely stand up, her tears had formed dried up trails of mascara mixed with salt down her face. Her eyes were empty and lifeless, she was no longer aware of the where she was and when she was, all she knew was that the man she loved had left with no way to get back to her. For the second time, she was brought back to reality when Mickey came to coax her into the TARDIS again.

"Come on Rose you need to sleep, I'm sure the Doctor will be back soon but you need to rest." Mickey lightly pulled her arm but Rose quickly pulled away.

"He'll be here any minute, Mickey, have some patience." She snapped back, but her body betrayed by swaying slightly as Rose stifled a yawn. Mickey shook his head and put an arm around her.

"You're dead on your feet babe, come on I'm taking you back to your room." Rose tried to protest but she was too fatigued so she gave in and allowed herself to be half carried to her room. When they got there, Mickey didn't even get a chance to ask if she wanted him to stay the night because she collapsed onto her bed and fell asleep instantly. "Night babe," he whispered as he turned the light off and went to his own room.

The next morning Rose woke with a start; realising she had slept for about eight hours she ran to the Doctor's room in the hopes of finding him. He wasn't there. She ran to the console room, the kitchen, the library, the gym, she ran to every room in the TARDIS but the Doctor was nowhere to be found. Eventually she ran out onto the spaceship, shouting frantically for the Doctor. There was no reply.

Rose clasped her hand over her mouth in an attempt to subside the sobs that racked her body as her knees gave way and she sunk to the ground. Her other hand was clutching her chest as she tried to quell the intense pain she felt in her heart and the loneliness had gripped her, her mind was trying to comprehend the fact that the man she trusted more than anyone in the universe had left her. The Doctor promised her the stars, he promised her forever, and yet he broke his promise as quickly as he made it. It was as if he punched her in the gut and left her there winded and alone. She didn't register the footsteps coming towards until Mickey's arms were around her, wrapping her in a tight hug and she clinged onto him for dear life.

"He left me, Mickey!" She cried and she looked up at Mickey with desperate eyes, "he left us both." She whispered, tears streaming down her face. Mickey just held her tight, he wanted to tell her how he told her so, how he knew the Doctor would do something like this, but seeing her so broken he couldn't bring himself to.

"He'll be back, Rose, he's the Doctor, he'll find a way." He said to her, but Rose didn't calm down. He released her to grip her shoulders. "Rose. Look at me." Rose reluctantly looked into his sincere eyes. "Let's not give up on him yet, okay? The Doctor wouldn't, so neither should we." Rose took a deep breath and nodded, giving Mickey a small smile. She knew Mickey had always been jealous of the Doctor, so she was grateful he had put those feelings to one side to give her some hope.

"Thanks, I'm surprised you're not still moaning about him though." She said weakly, Mickey chuckled in response.

"Nah babe, save that for when you're not crying." Rose laughed slightly and hit him playfully.

"Shut up," she said, before standing up and walking with Mickey back into the TARDIS. "Come on, I need some breakfast." They walked to the kitchen, and Rose went to get some milk out of the fridge for a cup of tea when she saw the calendar, the last date crossed off on the calendar was May 6th 2006. She sighed and crossed off "today's" date, May 7th, and carried on making her breakfast.

The next six days were all the same, if Rose wasn't sleeping or eating, she would sit outside on the spaceship staring at where the Doctor left them, waiting for him to return. The TARDIS helped Rose and Mickey out, showing them an endless stash of non perishable food that was put there in case of an emergency such as this. The TARDIS had grown fond of her golden human, ever since Rose looked into her heart to save the Doctor the time machine had become protective of her, looking after Rose in any way she could.

Mickey had tried his best all week to be patient with the woman he loved, he knew she was in pain and despite it hurting him that her pain was over another man, he knew she needed him. By the end of the week however, his patience was wearing thin. He missed home, he missed the pub, he missed the footie, he missed London, he missed his life. Mickey knew it wasn't going to be an easy topic to approach with Rose, but his trust in the Doctor had completely disappeared and he needed to find out if there was any way for them to leave without him. On the seventh day of being stuck, Mickey confronted Rose whilst she was waiting on the spaceship, staring at the broken mirror as usual.

"Rose, we can't wait here for the rest of our lives, for all we know the Doctor might not have made it." Rose sat frozen for a second, then stood up and faced Mickey, her eyes stormy.

"Don't you dare say that again, Mickey! He'd never leave me like that!" She shouted. Mickey threw his arms up in exasperation.

"But he did, Rose! He did!" He shouted back, Rose shook her head and turned away, trying to fight back the tears threatening to fall. "I'm sorry babe but enough is enough, it's been a week! I can't take it stuck here any longer, I'm going mad on my own in the TARDIS while you just sit there with your sad eyes, it's not fair on either of us!" He shouted back, Rose turned back to face him, tears now falling freely down her face.

"Well what do you suggest, Mickey? If you can fly the TARDIS, be my guest, but I'm not leaving the Doctor." She replied firmly. Their conversation was interrupted by a whirring from the TARDIS, her light flashing to catch their attention. Rose and Mickey ran into the TARDIS immediately. "What is it old girl?" Rose asked, "Can you take us back?" The TARDIS hummed in confirmation and Mickey laughed, relief washing over him. Rose wasn't as joyful.

"That's great, Rose! We can go home!" Mickey exclaimed and Rose gave him a forced smile.

"Yeah it is, go on and pack your bag then, okay?" She said softly, Mickey nodded and ran to his room. Rose sighed and stroked the TARDIS. "You know I can't leave the Doctor, right?" The TARDIS hummed in understanding. "You know what to do then?" She said, and the TARDIS hummed again. "Thank-you" she said softly and she walked to the door just as Mickey walked into the console room carrying a bag.

"Rose? Where are you going?" Rose turned and gave Mickey a sad smile.

"I'm sorry. Look after mum for me." She replied, and with that she walked out of the TARDIS, the door locking automatically behind her as she heard Mickey banging on it and shouting. The TARDIS disappeared and reappeared within the next 30 seconds. Rose walked in slowly, looking round to see the console room empty and she took a deep breath, stroking the TARDIS in gratitude.

"Looks like it's just you and I for now, old girl."


	2. Chapter 2

**I am so so sorry for how late this is! I got extreme writers block and I've had such a busy semester at uni so it took me a while to get the creative juices flowing. I'm home for a month for the holidays now so I'm hoping to get a lot of writing done while I'm here.**

 ***TRIGGER WARNING FOR SELF HARM***

* * *

 _"Looks like it's just you and I for now, old girl."_

Rose leaned her head against of of the TARDIS beams as she felt a wave of love mixed with sadness wash over her from the ship.

"You miss him too, don't you?" Rose asked, stroking the TARDIS in an attempt to comfort her, she felt a hum of confirmation. Rose looked down and bit her lip, "Will he come back?" She said in a small voice, and a new wave of emotion came over her from the TARDIS: hope. The ship was telling her human in the best way she could that she will always believe her thief will return for her, for them. Rose nodded and smiled slightly "Thanks, old girl. It's just us against the universe now, yeah? We've gotta protect each other, no matter what. I'm never gonna leave you, okay?" The TARDIS hummed in firm confirmation, she would do anything to protect her golden human, her Bad Wolf.

Ever since Rose looked into the heart of the TARDIS, she felt a deeper connection with her than before, only she didn't acknowledge it until now. Life with the Doctor was always so hectic that she very rarely had alone or quiet time for herself, of course now it was quite the opposite. Rose was grateful now more than ever that the TARDIS was sentient, and the TARDIS was glad to have someone on board while the Doctor was gone. They both knew that however long the Doctor may be, neither of them would be completely alone, they would always be connected through their bond.

Since she had no way of knowing when the Doctor would be back, Rose decided that as she was waiting on the spaceship she should probably have something to do so she didn't die of boredom. She wandered to the library where there was always an infinite amount of books, the TARDIS knew Rose's tastes so she often made it easy for her by having a section full of Rose's favourite books and books she would enjoy reading. Whenever Rose was feeling low, there was always one book that made her feel better no matter what: "Matilda" by Roald Dahl. She didn't care that it was supposed to be a children's book, when she read it she felt like she was a little girl again, tucked up in bed with her mum reading to her. God, how she missed her mum. Rose found "Matilda" sticking out on the bookshelf, the TARDIS knew this would be the one she wanted. Rose smiled and took the book before going to the kitchen to make a flask of tea, patting the TARDIS as she left to wait on the 51st century spaceship.

"I'll see you in a bit." Rose said with a smile, and stepped out to begin a ritual which would continue for a long, long time.

A week had passed, and the TARDIS was starting to get worried. Rose was sticking to this routine of sleeping and waiting on the spaceship with the TARDIS having to nudge her everyday to remind her to eat as well. She needed exercise and she was cooped up all on her own, nothing else to stimulate her, but the TARDIS had an idea. One morning, Rose had just had her breakfast and was about to go out with her book as usual, but on her way to the console room she saw a door light up. Curious, she went in, and stepped into an empty room.

"What's this?" She asked, and gasped with amazement as the room suddenly became a forest right before her eyes. The trees had bright blue leaves and the grass was a deep purple, the sky was lilac with a sun high up in the sky indicating it was midday. Rose could feel the cool breeze and hear it rustle through the trees, she could see dozens of small white butterflies dancing around each other. "It's beautiful… you created this?" A hologram appeared in front of her with the words _Planet Marilipura of the Gemula Galaxy_. Rose beamed when the realisation set in. "This is a real planet? It's beautiful…" The words changed to _Run, my wolf_. "Okay, I suppose I should still be keeping active. Only for an hour though, I want to try and be on the spaceship when the Doctor returns. Thanks, old girl."

With that, Rose ran, she laughed, she even skipped, the whole experience felt so real. For a little while, she was able to completely forget about everything that was going on, it was as though a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. After an hour, the TARDIS turned off the simulation and Rose found herself back in the white room, ready to face the rest of her day.

Days, weeks, months went by and Rose was in a routine as regular as clockwork. She'd start the day with a run in the simulation room in the TARDIS, she no longer skipped or laughed, whilst she found the different planets beautiful it became more about staying active than the wonder of it all. She'd then go to the spaceship with a book and waited for the Doctor, it was her way of coping with the situation, she knew if she broke her routine and let herself think too much about what was going on she'd have a breakdown.

One morning she went to the kitchen for breakfast and froze when she went to cross the date off on her calendar. It had been a year since the Doctor had left. Rose sat down, trying to process the realisation that there was a possibility he may never come back. She felt the TARDIS hum in her mind, trying to tell her not to give up hope, but right now Rose was beyond comfort. She walked back to her room, ignoring the TARDIS's nudges to get something to eat or go to the simulation room, and went back to bed.

The tears came as soon as her head hit the pillow, gentle sobs turning into anguished wails as she clutched her chest trying to stop the overwhelming pain she was feeling. She cried not only for the Doctor, but for the unbearable loneliness she was feeling. She missed her mum and Mickey, it was the first time she had felt truly homesick and not been able to do anything about it. It had been so long since she had any physical contact with a person, she was yearning for the feeling of a hand to hold or a hug. Until now, Rose had these thoughts that the Doctor may not come back but she had always managed to put them to rest with her undying faith in him. This was different, seeing how long it had been since he left her hit her like a tonne of bricks and her faith was shaken more than ever before. After a good fifteen minutes of crying, Rose eventually calmed down, feeling completely drained both emotionally and physically.

She felt numb. The crushing loneliness came flooding back, she just needed to _feel_ something, she didn't care what. She tried hugging herself, rubbing her arms and legs, pinching herself and slapping herself, but nothing lasted long enough and nothing pulled her out of this numb sensation. Without thinking, she ran to her bathroom and grabbed the razor on her sink and quickly slashed it across her forearm. She did this 6 more times before she snapped out of it and froze in shock, dropping the razor into her sink.

"What… What the fuck am I doing?! What the fuck?!" She exclaimed, fumbling in her bathroom cupboard for her first aid kit (you need one when you travel with the Doctor). She pulled out some antiseptic wipes, hissing when she first started cleaning the cuts. When they were completely clean, she bandaged up her arm and turned to look in the mirror.

"Don't you dare do that again, Rose. That was reckless and foolish and you're better than that." She said to herself with a firm voice, pointing at herself like a teacher would point to a naughty student when telling them off. She then went to sit on her bed. Why would she do something like that? It felt so out of character for her, but a year in almost complete isolation changes a person, clearly it had changed her more than she thought. The intense morning was beginning to catch up on Rose as she stifled a yawn, and there was no way she had the strength to leave her room anytime soon, so she lay down and took a long nap.

When she woke up a couple of hours later, Rose went to check the clock on her nightstand when she noticed a pen, paper pad and pile of envelopes sitting there. On the envelopes there was a sticky note saying _Write to him_. Rose smiled slightly, remembering that despite her feelings of loneliness, she was never truly alone with the TARDIS around. Perhaps writing a letter to the Doctor would help, she needed anything to feel close to him again. With that, she picked up the pen and pad and began to write.

 _6th May 2007_

 _Dear Doctor,_

 _It's been a year since you left. The TARDIS pushed me to write to you, although now I'm actually writing I have no idea what to say. I miss you. The TARDIS has been looking after me, she's been making me exercise, reminding me to eat when I forget, and just generally been keeping me company. I feel like I'm going mad without any human or time lord contact though… Please come back soon. I can't go back to my old life knowing there's a chance I could've abandoned you on the spaceship, so don't keep me waiting too long, okay? I know you did what you had to do going to Reinette, I trust you to make the right decisions, I just feel abandoned after all this time. You got angry at me last time I gave up on you when the Sycorax invaded, remember? You'll have to forgive me if I lose faith every now and this time round but please know I'll never give up on you, not this time._

 _You'll be proud of all the reading I've been doing since you left, you always tell me I need to read more and now I actually have time to do just that with not much else going on elsewhere. Can you believe I've read 47 books since you left? Mainly novels but some non fiction too, I read a bit about Reinette, or should I say Madame de Pompadour, and I can see why you warmed to her so quickly, she's had quite the life. Don't forget about your favourite London girl though._

 _Anyway, I think I've said all I wanted to say for now. I'll write tomorrow though, the TARDIS was right to tell me to do this._

 _All my love,_

 _Rose x_


	3. Chapter 3

**Okay I am so SO sorry for how slow I've been with this, uni work has just piled on so I never found the time to write and I got major writers block with this chapter BUT I've overcome it, uni is done for summer and the following chapters have been planned or partly written so expect more regular updates over the summer! Hope you enjoy this chapter.**

 **Mild trigger warning for self harm at the end but there's no graphic detail.**

To say the TARDIS was worried about Rose would be an understatement, she just witnessed the woman who single handedly defeated a fleet of daleks voluntarily hurt herself. Of course, she had been anticipating a breakdown pretty much as bad as the one that just happened, Rose had been running like clockwork ever since she started her morning runs, it was only a matter of time before she snapped. The TARDIS would be lying if she said she wasn't missing the Doctor more than anything, Rose and her had a special bond but the Doctor knew her more than anyone else in the universe. Not only this, but the Doctor often gave her regular repairs and after a year without any fix ups she was feeling a bit worse for wear.

Once Rose had finished her letter and sealed it in an envelope, she found an old shoebox to put it in and decided to keep it under her bed. Deciding that the best thing to do now would be to carry on with her day as normal, she went to get a book and leave the TARDIS. When she went to open the door to leave, however, it was locked. Tugging it a few times just to check it wasn't jammed, Rose groaned and looked around the TARDIS, confused.

"What's going on? I need to go and wait for the Doctor." The TARDIS responded by making a beeping noise from the screen on the console. Curious, Rose went to look and found a message on the screen.

 _I need repairing, follow my instructions._

"What? I can't do that, I don't know anything about how to fix you, I might break you even more!" She exclaimed as she was getting flustered, the TARDIS hummed in her mind telling her to shut up and calm down, and the message on the screen changed.

 _I'll guide you step by step. Stop panicking and get on with it, will you?_ Rose raised her eyebrows at this.

"Alright, alright! Just tell me what to do." The TARDIS proceeded to give her easy to follow instructions and Rose got to work right away. Occasionally she'd slip up and be zapped with an electric shock in response but all in all she was doing a very decent job for a first timer. As she was working underneath the console, she began to speak. "You miss him too, don't you?" Rose felt a sad hum in her head. "I'm sorry you had to see… what you saw last night. I've been trying so hard to just carry on and get through each day because my gut tells me he'll be back, and I can't ignore that. You feel the same way, right?" The TARDIS hummed in affirmation, sending as many loving vibes as she could to Rose. Rose felt the TARDIS's love wash over her like a hug, smiling warmly at the gesture and mentally thanking the ship before getting back to work in comfortable silence.

"All done!" She said after about an hour, "I did a pretty good job for my first time, didn't I?" The TARDIS hummed in appreciation and Rose felt a wave of affection for the ship, she didn't know how much longer she'll have to wait for the Doctor and since there was no indication for the time frame, she had been mentally preparing herself for decades of waiting. She was fairly sure that she'd go mad if it wasn't for the TARDIS, whilst she was deprived of a human or time lord presence at least she had a way of communicating to someone.

The weeks went by as usual, only now Rose repaired and tinkered with the TARDIS on average about once a week. The TARDIS didn't actually need to be repaired this often as she wasn't travelling anywhere, but she did like having the company, they felt closer together when Rose was working with her. After a couple of months however, they faced a new problem which, whilst they both knew it was inevitably going to happen, Rose decided to ignore it until alarm bells literally went off. She had gone to bed and was woken up after four hours by the sound of a siren blaring out. Shocked but still not properly awake, Rose stumbled into the console room and ran to the screen to read the message the TARDIS was trying to send her.

 _I'm running low on power and if we don't go to the rift in Cardiff soon, I won't have the energy to sustain you._ Rose felt deflated, but with a sigh she nodded in agreement.

"I suppose I have left it late, I'm just nervous about leaving… you'll land us back here just a second after we left, won't you?" The TARDIS gave her a warm hum in affirmation, and another message appeared on the screen.

 _Hold on tight, it's going to be bumpy without a pilot._ Rose immediately grabbed onto the side of the console and the TARDIS started to dematerialise with the familiar whirr. Rose hadn't realised just how much she missed that sound until she heard it again, and a smile instantly lit up her face as she was grasping on for dear life, the TARDIS wasn't lying about it being bumpy. Eventually they landed and the TARDIS powered herself up, but before she left she displayed another message. _Go out for a bit, he'd want you to._ Rose smiled sadly and shook her head.

"I know, which is why I can't. I don't know if you'll leave without me to give me a chance at a normal life or whatever." The TARDIS gave a low grumble in response, trying to indicate that Rose was wrong but she was ignored. "And even if you didn't, who's to know something won't happen to me while I'm gone? I can't leave you, you know I can't." There was silence for a few moments, and Rose was worried that the TARDIS was going to somehow leave without her, but eventually the whirring began again and they were soon back on the spaceship. Rose released a breath she didn't realising she had been holding. "Thanks, old girl. We're gonna be okay, you and me." She said, stroking the console.

She smiled fondly, remembering how she used to mock the Doctor for doing that, and how she did love the TARDIS but never quite got to that affectionate stage with her because she was always being whizzed about here and there. She understood now, of course, why the Doctor did it, she knew he's spent many years of his life with the TARDIS as his only companion, so of course he would become affectionate with her like one would with a friend. It made Rose sad to think that he was so lonely for all that time, she never really appreciated just how hard that must have been for him until she was beginning to have a similar feeling herself. She was glad, however, that he too had the TARDIS, and so he wasn't completely alone. They travelled the universe together and it kept him sane and grounded, so it became clear to Rose just how important it was for the TARDIS to create the simulations for her as well.

The adrenaline of their trip soon wore off and Rose felt dead on her feet, so she bidded the TARDIS goodnight and went back to bed.

 _The Doctor and Rose were running hand in hand from a krillitane as it was chasing them down a dark street in London. Rose's legs couldn't seem to keep up with the Doctor's pace, it was as though her feet were becoming heavier and heavier but no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't speed up._

 _"COME ON!" The Doctor yelled to her, he had clearly noticed that he was practically dragging her behind him, and tears sprung to her eyes as he whipped his head back to look at her and she felt angry brown eyes burn into hers. "Don't start crying you stupid girl! Run! Why can't you just run?!" He yelled at her, but her legs couldn't obey._

 _"I'm trying! I don't know what's happening!" She yelled back, but he didn't seem to acknowledge her reply, instead he took one exasperated look back at her before letting go of her hand and running away from her as fast as he could. "DOCTOR!" Rose yelled with everything she had, but he ignored her and kept on running. She heard the krillitane coming closer and closer but soon her feet were stuck to the ground, she couldn't move at all. She screamed and screamed but the Doctor didn't come back for her, and she felt huge bat like wings surround her._

Rose bolted upright in bed, panting heavily and sweating. Looking around the room, she acknowledged that there was no monster chasing her and that nothing could get through the TARDIS doors without a key. She didn't care one bit about this, because the most important part of the dream was true. The Doctor was gone, he had left her all alone. She knew that he wasn't thinking when he left, and a part of her knew that he definitely wasn't thinking about her, which was both a good and bad thing. He didn't willingly leave her for a long amount of time, but he did leave without thinking about her at all, he was only thinking of Reinette. She cursed herself for thinking in such a way, was she really going to get jealous of a French aristocrat she barely knew? Reinette was hardly her biggest problem at the moment, but Rose couldn't help feeling insecure.

Rose buried her face in her hands and began to cry, the intense loneliness had hit her hard, but she couldn't handle simply sitting there thinking about it over and over, she was in too much pain. Deciding she couldn't resist the temptation for the same release she had felt once before, she slowly got out of bed, wobbled to her en suite and took a razor out of her cabinet.


	4. Chapter 4

**True to my word, here's an update that didn't take months! Chapters will be longer from now on as well. Enjoy!**

 **Trigger warning for mention of self harm but again nothing graphic.**

 _11th July 2007_

 _Dear Doctor,_

 _I had a nightmare about you last night, I've had nightmares before but it felt so real… I suppose that's because it sort of was. You left me, you abandoned me to be killed by a krillitane. Of course I know you'd never leave me for dead, and I keep having to tell myself that you didn't purposely leave me for this long, but I'm sure you'll understand me having doubts if I'm alone with my thoughts for so long. I suppose there is one thing I've been meaning to write to you about, I didn't mention it until now because I was ashamed and I thought it was a one time thing, but unfortunately that's no longer the case._

 _When I wrote to you for the first time, I had just had a massive breakdown. It had been a year since you left and I had no idea how to cope, it all got too much and I wasn't thinking so… god I really hate that I have to write it down. I cut myself with my razor, on my wrist. It sounds so stupid, I know, why would I do that? You know me, I'd never do something like that, I've never thought to. But there was just this strange release, and while I was scared of what I was doing I couldn't help feeling better after having done it. Or at least my head felt clearer, and I was no longer numb. Anyway, I thought it was just going to be the one time, but I did it again after the nightmare I had. I just had this loneliness which wouldn't go away and I couldn't feel anything else so I just did it again without thinking straight. The problem is that after I did it both times I was able to think straight again, and I know what I did must've been bad, so why does it feel like such a relief?_

 _I hope if you ever read this that it doesn't upset you. Up until now I've been trying to keep it as light as I can, I didn't want you to know how bad it's got. But I'm really lonely, and I really need you here with me. Please come back soon, I'll wait for you however long it takes but I'm hoping it won't be much longer. I miss you and I miss us._

 _All my love,_

 _Rose_

 _24th November 2007_

 _Dear Doctor,_

 _Remember how I told you the TARDIS was teaching me how to repair her? Well, today was a bit of a tricky one and I may have made it slightly worse than it was in the first place, and she is not happy… I must've connected the wrong wires, I suppose I've not been sleeping great lately so I wasn't concentrating like I should've. Anyway, next thing I know, sparks are flying from the wires I just connected and I instinctively just grabbed the scissors and cut them. Obviously that didn't work, and I heard alarm bells from the console and she displayed a message on the screen basically telling me not to do any work on her until I've had a good night's sleep, which is fair enough. She was a bit miffed but seemed more amused than anything, it's funny how well I can sense her moods now. I do want to make it up to her though, if you were here I'd ask you how you'd apologise to her as I imagine you've had to do that on multiple occasions. Maybe I'll clean her, the outside not the inside, I don't think I'd ever finish the job if I attempted that, but she's looking a bit dirty so I think she'll appreciate it._

 _Things have been okay today other than that, I've just been keeping on with my usual routine. I know it's been up and down lately but I've gone two weeks without cutting myself so maybe I'm finally getting used to this life. I just need to get my sleeping sorted now, maybe I'll go on another run before I go to bed to tire me out. Sometimes I forget how active our lifestyle was when we were running about here and there so I was always shattered when we got back to the TARDIS, maybe that's why I can't sleep as well as I used to. I don't know. Anyway, I'll sign off now, but I'll write again tomorrow._

 _All my love,_

 _Rose_

 _17th January 2008_

 _Dear Doctor,_

 _Today has been good. Really good, actually. It's nice that I've been able to see that recently, while this isn't exactly where I imagined I'd be at this point in my life, it's becoming more bearable. Maybe I'm just saying that because it's been a good day but I'm making the most of it while it lasts. The TARDIS made me a simulation of this beautiful planet called Valtusi, the part I went to was this huge rainforest with a stream running through, and the trees had these amazing vines hanging down that were covered in small multi coloured flowers. It still amazes me how real she makes it feel, it even smelled like a jungle, and I could hear birds calling from the tops of the trees. I hope we can go at some point when you come back, I think it has to be one of my favourite places I've been to so far. My favourite, of course, is still Marilipura. That's the first place I want us to go when you come back._

 _Following the theme of jungles, the TARDIS suggested I read The Jungle Book, so I read the first two stories (Mowgli's Brothers and Kaa's Hunting). I'm amazed I never thought to read it before now, the Disney film was always my favourite when I was a kid, I used to watch it whenever I was ill or sad and it'd always cheer me up. When I was in primary school, I got tonsillitis and had to get my tonsils taken out, so I think I watched it about 6 times in total. No idea how my mum put up with that, but I think she would've rather sat through that than have me moaning. So yeah, it's been a very nice and nostalgic day today, I hope days like this keep coming._

 _All my love,_

 _Rose_

 _27th April 2008_

 _Dear Doctor,_

 _I turned 21 today, I always thought I'd be doing something special for it. I remember for my 18th we went out clubbing and my mate Shareen had to half carry me home and put me to bed because I got black out drunk, I had a killer hangover the next morning. It was a good night though, I remember buying my first drink at a bar, well, my first legal drink anyway, me and my mates had been using fake ID since we were 16. It felt good doing it legally though, I felt like a proper adult. I always imagined for my 21st I'd do something like that, go out to a nice bar then a club, and I'd have definitely dragged you out as well. Remember when we went to that party in the 1920s? I remember you saying how Time Lords don't get drunk and either way you're the designated driver so there's no way you'd touch a drop of alcohol, then at 5am we were stumbling back to the TARDIS barely able to walk because we were giggling so much. Time Lords don't get drunk my arse._

 _I told the TARDIS that I didn't want to do anything today but when I woke up there was a present on my bedside table, so of course she didn't listen to me. She gave me the most beautiful charm bracelet with a tiny sonic screwdriver, a star, a mini TARDIS, a rose and a butterfly like the ones on Marilipura. There are spaces for more as well so I'll definitely be adding to the collection when we start going on more adventures again. She prompted me to go to the television room where there was a pizza and a tub of ice cream on the coffee table and she put on my favourite films, so it's been a lazy day for me. I've been feeling especially lonely in anticipation for today, no one wants to spend their birthday alone, but I'm not alone. The TARDIS has been my rock lately, I've not exactly been having the best few weeks as you know so it was nice to have a day where I could just switch off. I just feel guilty for still feeling lonely, I'd have gone insane without the TARDIS but I just want a hand to hold, or a hug. I really miss our hugs. Please come home soon, we both miss you._

 _All my love,_

 _Rose_

 _7th November 2008_

 _Dear Doctor,_

 _My dad died 21 years ago today. I still remember holding his hand as he slipped away like it was yesterday. I only knew him less than a day but I know he was a kind man, he gave his life to fix everything I ruined. I know what I did that day was really stupid, but honestly I wouldn't have it any other way, I would've given anything just to meet him when I was a kid so I'm so grateful that I had that chance. I feel the same way about this, it's been a really difficult couple of years since you left but I couldn't have it any other way. I'd take this over a life without having met you any day. I wouldn't have had the chance to meet my dad without you, you've given me more than I could've ever dreamed of. When I talk about how bad things are at the moment, I don't want you thinking I'm ungrateful for all the good things. It's just hard to remember the good things when most of my experience at the moment is bad. I really need this to be over soon._

 _You were all big ears and leather jackets back then, sometimes I forget how different you were. I know you're one person but sometimes I think of you as two different versions of yourself. If I'm being honest, I don't think you would've left without a thought to save Reinette before you regenerated. Something about this version of you seems more impulsive, and I'm not asking to be your top priority because I know it was a life and death situation, but I think you would've at least thought about how it would affect me if you just left like you did. I feel like a horrible person for saying this but the way you crashed out of that mirror on a horse like a knight in shining armour for another woman made me feel, well, a bit shit. I'm not angry at you for wanting to save her and the other people because that's what you do and that's what should be done, but you did it alone and you did it knowing there'd be no clear way of getting back other than just waiting it out until the 51st century._

 _The thing is, I know you had every intention of coming back that way but that's a long time to wait. What if you've forgotten about me? What if you found something or someone else? What if something has happened to you in all that time? If you were going to wait it out until you can get to me the slow way, why am I the one waiting for you? I'm trying so hard to believe that there are explanations for all of this but it's getting harder and harder to do that. I know I can't leave and I won't leave but the more I wait the more I have these thoughts. Please prove my doubts wrong. I'm begging you._

 _Love,_

 _Rose_

 _23rd February 2009_

 _Dear Doctor,_

 _Today has been fairly uneventful, so I don't want to document it because I'll send both of us to sleep if I do that. I've been thinking about what would happen if you come back. I've been alone for a while now, and the thought of going back to Earth is becoming a little more scary than it is exciting. We go to Earth to refuel but I refuse to leave the TARDIS. I've got used to life without any interaction with anyone other than the TARDIS and I'm not sure how I'd suddenly cope with a planet full of people. Isn't that ridiculous? I feel so stupid for thinking like this because surely I should just be excited but I'm terrified. This has become my life now, and the only things that have kept me from going barmy are these letters and the TARDIS. Reading is good as well but that's more of a one way communication than this. Although for all I know this could be one way too._

 _Until writing this, I've tried to put the thought of going back to my life with you out of mind. I realise how stupid that sounds as well because surely that's the main reason, besides keeping the TARDIS company, for me sticking around. I'm worried for what you'll think of me as well. If you come back to us, I'm going to be completely different to how I was before you left, and maybe you won't like me anymore. After all, why would you want a companion who's scared of going outside and who cuts themselves? My mood swings are getting worse as well, sometimes getting out of bed is just too much and other times I've been so wired that I have to just run and run for as long as I can in a simulation. Today was one of those days. I needed something to distract me, my mind is racing._

 _I'm scared of losing myself, Doctor. I don't know who I am anymore. I'm not strong anymore. I'm just scared._

 _Love,_

 _Rose_

 _5th August 2009_

 _Doctor,_

 _Today is a low day. I cut myself earlier. I'm so lost. I'm so weak. It's been so long, it's been too long. Did I do something wrong? Are you punishing me? Why is this happening?_

 _I feel so numb and lonely and empty. I need you. You used to come running when I called your name when I was in danger. I'm in danger. I shouted your name on the ship today until my voice went hoarse and I couldn't make another noise. You didn't answer. I'm pathetic._

 _You abandoned me, Doctor. You left me on my own. It isn't fair. I can't go back to my old life now. I don't know what I can do. I just have to carry on with my routine. It's all I can do. You must be so ashamed of me. I don't know if I want you to read these if you come back._

 _You're the Doctor. Fix this. Please._

 _Rose_

 _25th December 2009_

 _Dear Doctor,_

 _As you can tell, it's Christmas day today. In previous years, I told the TARDIS that I didn't want to celebrate Christmas, it'd just be weird doing it on my own. This year has been particularly difficult as you know, so she decided to do something Christmassy to cheer me up, and I have to say it really worked. I woke up to see a stocking at the end of my bed which had a bag of chocolate coins, some snowflake earrings, a candy cane and a satsuma. The satsuma made me giggle, I remember the one you found in Howard's dressing gown pocket after you beat the Sycorax leader in the duel. When I went to the simulation room, she took me to London at night during the 1800s, I had a walk around in the snow through the town, it was so beautiful. It reminded me of when we went to see Charles Dickens, that was one of our first adventures together. When I went to the library, there was a Christmas tree in the corner and fairy lights all around the room, and the fire was already burning, it was so beautiful that I just had to read there instead of on the spaceship. In keeping with the theme of a Victorian Christmas, I decided to read A Christmas Carol, I read it a couple of years ago but I love it so much I could read it again and again, Dickens was a genius._

 _I know it's been really hard lately but today reminded me what I was here for. The TARDIS is a member of my family now, and you spend Christmas with your family so how couldn't I celebrate with her? She reminded me of all the wonderful things we've done together, and whilst it feels like an age since I saw you, I still remember all of those amazing experiences like they were yesterday. Travelling with you became my life and I can't ever risk throwing that away by leaving. I'd be lying to myself if I said those were the only reasons as well, because there's something else that has kept me on board the TARDIS waiting for you these past years, and I haven't been able to admit it to myself until today. I love you, Doctor. I love you so much that my heart breaks every day you don't return, and I love you so much that I could never leave the 51st century without you._

 _I still have faith you'll come back to me, Doctor. I think I always will._

 _All my love,_

 _Rose_

 _1st January 2010_

 _Dear Doctor,_

 _The TARDIS treated me to a nice bottle of champagne last night to see in the new year, this is something else I've been resisting in past years but after the success of Christmas she was determined to get into the spirit of it. I saw in the New Year in the simulation room, she took me to a huge field which, if I'm honest, I don't remember the name of because I finished the bottle to myself so some of last night is a bit blurry. The TARDIS made the most beautiful fireworks display though, is there anything she can't do? I sat in the field all night and chatted to her, we reminisced about old times and laughed about all the silly things we all used to get up to. It's become easy to communicate with her nowadays, in the simulation room she's able to display messages from thin air in response to some things I say but generally I can tell what she's communicating to me through the hums she gives me and the moods I feel from her. She's like my sister, I really love her. I think a part of her knows you're going to come back to us, otherwise she would have taken me back to Earth and given me no choice in leaving her. I'm holding onto that thought anyway, I'll hold onto anything that gives me hope right now._

 _I can't believe it's 2010, well 2010 in my time anyway. I suppose it doesn't seem very significant at the moment, it's not like there's any indication of the seasons on the TARDIS, I suppose I just need to keep track of time in some way so I don't go mad. I have to admit that despite last night being wonderful, the darker thoughts have been creeping in today, and it's not just because I'm hungover. I won't bother writing them down, I think I've been sounding like a broken record over the past few years in these letters, you already know all the thoughts. It's been a couple of weeks since I last cut myself, so I suppose I'm just a bit on edge. It sounds bad, but I guess I'm just waiting for the next bad day to inevitably come. Here's hoping you get here first._

 _Happy New Year, Doctor,_

 _All my love,_

 _Rose_

 _24th July 2010_

 _Dear Doctor,_

 _I don't want to write how I'm feeling anymore. I'll just tell you about my day from now on, sorry if it's boring. I woke up, had a cereal bar, and went to the simulation room. The TARDIS took me to this beach where the sand was white, the sky was sapphire blue, not a cloud in sight and there were three suns. There were trees that went right up to where the sand began with huge silver leaves and black trunks, and the grass was a deep navy blue. I didn't really see any creatures, but I caught a glimmer of tentacles popping out of the water at one point in the distance, so I decided not to go too near to the sea, even though it's a simulation it freaked me out a little. It was really beautiful, but boiling hot as you can imagine, so I spent most of the time in the shade under one of the silver trees after a walk, there was no way I was going on a run in that heat._

 _Afterwards, I carried on reading The Kite Runner, but I didn't get loads of that done because it was far too sad so I needed to put it down for a while and instead spent most of my time waiting on the ship doing puzzles. Not much else happened._

 _Love,_

 _Rose_

 _15th November 2010_

 _Dear Doctor,_

 _The TARDIS simulated Woman Wept today, remember when we went all those years ago? It's as beautiful as I remember it, but it was better with you. I couldn't exactly have a run there because it was so icy but I think the TARDIS is discouraging runs because she thinks I'm not eating well enough for strenuous exercise. I'll make her take me somewhere I can run tomorrow though, I may have to eat a banana as well as a cereal bar to compromise, you always approve of bananas. I finished reading A Clockwork Orange today, that was definitely an experience. I might go for something a bit lighter tomorrow. There's not much else to report really, or at least not much else I want to report._

 _Love,_

 _Rose_

 _22nd February 2011_

 _Doctor,_

 _The TARDIS simulated a pretty place somewhere, I went on a run. Then I read a book. I'm going to bed._

 _Rose_

 _6th May 2011_

 _Dear Doctor,_

 _It's been five years since you left. I've been dreading this day for the past few weeks, and I was hoping it would never come. But it did, because you didn't. I'm trying not to lose hope. I'm really trying. For the past 10 or so months I've been trying to just do my daily routine like I did the first year you were gone. But I can't not write down how I'm feeling anymore, I don't care if I repeat myself. You've been gone half a decade and I don't know how the hell I've lasted this long but I've forced myself to because… Well, that's the thing. I don't really know why anymore. Maybe I'm in denial that you aren't coming back. Maybe I don't know how to live any other way._

 _I've started to forget what some people look like. I remember you, Mickey and Mum because we have photos but I'm having trouble with anyone else. I miss physical contact so much that the only thing that even slightly soothes it is a fucking razor. The TARDIS hid sharp knives after I first cut myself, she knows if I have to do something at least I need to do it safely. I'm lost Doctor. I'm really lost. I'm scared of what will happen if you come back, and I'm scared of what will happen if you don't. I don't know if I can make another year, but I don't think I have a choice._

 _Oh, the nightmares are getting worse as well._

 _Happy anniversary I guess,_

 _Rose_


	5. Chapter 5

**I've been on a roll lately so here's another chapter! The song used in this is "Never Let Me Go" by Judy Bridgewater.**

Rose put her pen down and read the letter over, gave a heavy sigh when she had finished and put it in the shoebox marked "2011". The TARDIS nudged her mind a bit, Rose felt a wave of love wash over her, and she smiled sadly.

"Thanks, old girl. It's just been such a long time, y'know? I'm not going anywhere, we both know that neither of us could ever leave, I'm just having a hard time remembering all the good times we had. I'd give anything just to laugh with him again like we used to, just to see him running around the console as he explained something way too fast for me to understand." On hearing this, the TARDIS had an idea, and prompted Rose to leave her room by opening the door. Rose frowned, confused at the gesture. "I'm about to go to bed, can't this wait?" The TARDIS lit up the corridor in response, prompting her to go. Rose shook her head and stood up, "If you insist…" She walked out of her room and saw a door opposite her which instantly opened, revealing the television room. Curious, she entered the room and saw popcorn next to the sofa and a blanket ready for her, so she settled under the blanket and a film began to play as soon as she was comfortable. The screen was black, and some words appeared.

 _I want you to remember the good times, my dear wolf. I didn't show you this sooner because I thought it would upset you, but you need to see it._

 _I can't show you things that happened outside me, but I can show you everything that happened inside. These are my favourite moments, but if you ever want to see something in particular, all you need to do is ask._

Rose gasped at what she saw next, and tears almost instantly began to run down her face. A film of her and the Doctor appeared on the screen, they were in the kitchen baking banana bread. It was as though the TARDIS had a few hidden cameras in the room which she showed the footage of depending on where they were stood, and anything the cameras didn't pick up, Rose was able to fill in with her memories.

"Doctor, you're getting flour everywhere! You're going to be cleaning this up on your own if you're not careful." The Doctor was pouring the flour in the scales and rolled his eyes.

"I told you I'm not domestic! I'm only doing it because it has bananas in and we both know how I feel about bananas." Rose smirked in response, grabbing the bag off him and spooning the extra flour that went into the scales back into the bag.

"Right yeah sure, so if I decide to make fairy cakes, you'd have no part in that? And you know I wouldn't let you have a crumb if you didn't help make them." The Doctor shrugged in a failed attempt to look nonchalant.

"No… no of course not." Rose stopped what she was doing and stepped closer to the Doctor.

"Okay then, picture this. I've just made some chocolate chip cookies and they've just come out of the oven so the smell has filled the kitchen." The Doctor gulped and stepped back slightly, but Rose only inched closer. "I take one and have a bite of it, the chocolate is still melted and the middle is all gooey, and I eat I right in front of you. I can't stop myself from licking my lips and saying 'mmmmmmm' as I eat it because it's just. So. Good. And you could cope with that? Without having a single bite?" Rose was centimetres from his face at this point.

"Yeah-" the Doctor's voice broke as he began to speak so he cleared his throat. "Yeah of- of course." Rose smirked again and span around as she put all the bread flour back in the bag

"Right then! Changed my mind, I'll do that instead." She went to the cupboard to take out ingredients for chocolate chip cookies and began to measure them out, when the Doctor couldn't contain himself anymore.

"Fine! Fine! Let me help you! Please!" Rose grinned and turned to face him.

"I knew it! I won't start baking until you say the words 'I was wrong and you were right'". She stood and waited with her hands on her hips as the Doctor shuffled on his feet slightly and looked down, mumbling the words back to her. "Sorry? Didn't quite catch that, Doctor."

"I was wrong and you were right! Now can we PLEASE have some cookies?!" He exclaimed finally.

"HA! I got you to say it! Hold on, I just need a moment to savour that memory before I do anything else." She stood there doing nothing and closed her eyes with a dreamy smile plastered across her face as the Doctor became more and more frustrated.

"Oh come on Rose, we're starting right now or… or…" he stopped and an evil smile appeared on his face, a gleam in his eye. Rose's eyes snapped open as she immediately froze and her smile turned into a look of terror.

"No… you wouldn't…" The Doctor slowly stepped closer to her and she backed away from him.

"You know I know how ticklish you are, Rose, and I think you deserve it after being so mean to me." He said, Rose gulped and let out a small nervous laugh.

"Oh come on, Doctor… I was only joking, look, I'll make them all on my own if you want! See?" She backed away from him more and tried to fumble with some ingredients whilst keeping her eyes locked on him in case he made any sudden movements. The Doctor tutted and shook his head.

"Oh no, you aren't getting away with it that easily…" They both froze for a second, the Doctor looking as though he was ready to pounce and Rose was clutching a bag of flour looking like a rabbit in the headlights. Suddenly, the Doctor lunged at her and she squealed, throwing the flour up in shock, covering them both before sprinting away from him. The Doctor chased her around the kitchen, but he caught up to her when she tripped up on a chair leg, catching her around the waist from behind as she started to fall. They ended up on the floor a few seconds later as he tickled her mercilessly and she couldn't contain her laughter.

"Doctor… stop!" She struggled to speak as she was wriggling about and laughing.

"Say you're sorry and it'll be forgotten!" The Doctor teased, barely able to contain his own laughter.

"Sorry! Sorry!" She yelled, and he immediately bounced up to his feet, helping her up after him. She pouted at him with her arms crossed. "That was not funny." She said, trying very hard to maintain her grumpy face.

"If it wasn't funny, you wouldn't have laughed." He replied, and she couldn't hold in her smile for long at the Doctor's cheeky grin so he slung his arm around her and they walked back to the kitchen counter, and stopped to see the bag of flour on the floor. They looked at each other as they only just registered the mess they made of the kitchen and themselves, and instantly howled with laughter at the sight of each other.

"I… I think…" the Doctor tried to say in between laughs, "I think we're going to need some more flour!" Which only made them laugh harder.

The screen went black and Rose was grinning, remembering that day. After a solid five minutes of laughing they went to get showers and cleaned up the kitchen and the TARDIS provided another bag of flour. The cookies had turned out brilliantly and her and the Doctor finished them in one go, they both felt very sick when they went to bed. She didn't have much time to reminisce when a new clip appeared on the screen, this time it was in the Doctor's room, who was sat up in his bed reading a book in his t-shirt and pyjama bottoms. Rose frowned in confusion, unsure what this memory was but instantly remembered when she heard a knock at his door.

"Come in!" He answered, and Rose stepped in timidly, looking down at the floor, her hair was dishevelled and she was in her pyjamas shorts and tank top. "Rose? Are you alright?" He asked, putting his book down, concern etched in his features. Rose glanced up at him, then back down to the floor.

"It's silly, really, I just had a bad dream…" The Doctor's eyes softened and he scooched over in his bed and patted the space beside him. Rose gave a small smile and got in bed next to him and he put his arm around her, pulling her close.

"I've never known you to have bad dreams, what was it about?" He asked, and Rose sighed.

"I'm actually kind of prone to them, I always have been since I was a kid, I just never mentioned it until now because it was particularly bad tonight." The Doctor pulled her closer to him, a sad look on his face.

"Oh, Rose, I didn't realise! How often do you have bad dreams?"

"Once or twice a week, sometimes more, it depends on what we've been doing I suppose. It's just silly and childish so there was no point in bothering you about it. If I'm honest, I feel a bit stupid telling you now, it's not like I'm not used to it." The Doctor pressed a kiss to the top of her head.

"It's not childish, it's a perfectly natural reaction to all the things that happen on our travels, and you're not bothering me, I'd much rather you told me so I know how to help you. Was your nightmare about the werewolf?" Rose nodded and her lip trembled as she tried to hold back tears.

"Yeah, I just remember seeing him tear that soldier to shreds and I dreamt he was doing it to you, it was so vivid… I had to see you, I needed to know you're okay." The Doctor soothingly rubbed his hand up and down her arm as a few tears fell down her face.

"I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere anytime soon. It'll take a lot more than one werewolf to get the better of me. I'm so sorry you had to see that yesterday, I didn't realise you were looking until you had seen it all." Rose shook her head to this.

"It's not your fault, Doctor, I know what I signed up for when I started travelling with you." The Doctor sighed and nodded.

"I know, but I want you to feel like you can tell me about these things, I hate the thought of you dealing with nightmares on your own, I'd much rather be there for you." Rose looked up and gave him a watery smile, taking his free hand in hers.

"I don't know what I did to deserve someone like you." The Doctor gave her hand a squeeze.

"I could say the same about you. How about this, if you've had a nightmare, can you promise to wake me up so I can help you? And I don't care if it's once or twice a week or more." He added as Rose tried to interject. "It's up to you, of course, you don't have to if you'd rather be alone but I get the feeling you wanted to tell me the other times you had nightmares but you felt too embarrassed. Am I right?" Rose hesitated, but gave him a small nod. "Then it's settled, I want you to promise me to come to me when you need me, and if you feel like you're going to have a bad night, let me know so I can be there. Deal?" He released her hand and held it out for her to shake, which she did.

"Deal." The Doctor grinned and wrapped both arms around her in a tight hug.

"You can stay here tonight, if you want. Are you tired?" Rose shook her head as he released her.

"I'm too wired if I'm honest, it always takes a while to get back to sleep after a bad nightmare." The Doctor hummed in response, and thought for a moment.

"How about I read to you? I've just been reading The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, it might help you drift off."

"Yeah okay, your talking usually sends me to sleep anyway so it couldn't hurt to try." She replied with a cheeky smile.

"Oi! I'm only letting that go because you're upset, I wouldn't normally take such an insult." He replied playfully, but he was more glad that Rose was feeling well enough to make jokes, and Rose only giggled in response. The Doctor moved them both so they were lying down, with one arm around Rose whose head was resting on his chest and the other holding the book. When they were settled, he began reading. At this point, the screen went black, and Rose was smiling sadly. She knew the TARDIS showed her that clip to remind her just how much the Doctor cared about her. She spent most nights in the Doctor's room from then on, it started off with her occasionally telling him when she had a nightmare, but when she woke up from one and didn't tell him, he always happened to check on her anyway and stay with her for the rest of the night because he could tell something was wrong. He'd also prompt her to be honest when he thought it could be a bad night, which she did more often, but eventually they slept together because they felt more content in each other's company. What Rose didn't know was that following that night, the Doctor asked the TARDIS to alert him whenever she was having a bad dream, so when she woke up he would wait a few minutes and if she didn't come to him he'd go to her. Rose craved his warm embrace now, she'd give anything to be held by him again.

A new clip appeared on the screen, they had just come back from the party they went to in the 1920s. They stumbled through the doors into the console room in fits of laughter, the Doctor tripped up the step and landed on the floor on his back, making them laugh even harder.

"Y-you're so drunk!" Rose exclaimed in between giggles, but her heel got caught in the grating causing her ankle to give way and she ended up on the floor right next to the Doctor.

"You can talk!" The Doctor replied, laughing even harder, eventually standing up and helping Rose up when they had calmed down a little. Rose didn't let go of his hand, and pulled him closer to her.

"Dance with me." She said, grinning like a Cheshire cat. The Doctor snapped his fingers flamboyantly and Glen Miller "In The Mood" began to play, reminding them of their first proper dance together before he had regenerated. Rose rolled her eyes at the gesture, still grinning. "You think you're so cool, don't you?" The Doctor grabbed her waist and pulled her close, causing her to squeal in surprise, and he flashed a cheeky smile.

"I know I am." He replied, before spinning them round the room, twirling and dipping her so she felt giddy and lightheaded. The next song that played was slower, so they swayed on the spot, staring dreamily into each other's eyes.

 _Darling,_

 _Hold me,_

 _Hold me,_

 _Hold me and never, never, never let me go…_

"This song is beautiful." Rose said softly, still staring into the Doctor's eyes. The Doctor bowed his head so his forehead was pressed against Rose's.

"Rose Tyler… what have you done to me." Rose giggled slightly.

"You've gone soft, Doctor." The Doctor lifted his head to look at her, releasing her hand to cup her cheek, his other hand still on her waist.

"I think anyone would if they were in my position." Rose tilted her head slightly, frowning in confusion slightly.

"What position is that?" The Doctor didn't say anything for a few seconds, as he continued to stroke her cheek with his thumb, staring into her eyes as though they put him in a trance.

"Well, I think anyone who lived and travelled with you would also find themselves…" He cleared his throat and looked down, dropping his hand and sobering up slightly. Rose then put her hand to his cheek in response, causing him to look at her, his chocolate brown eyes meeting her glowing hazel ones which were filled with love. She spoke sincerely, her voice laced with affection.

"It's okay, you don't have to say it. I know, Doctor." A look of intensity flashed across the Doctor's face and without warning he pulled her closer to him and kissed her passionately. Rose was caught off guard for a moment but then flung her arms around his neck, running her hands through his hair and grabbing it occasionally in her fists to pull him closer to her. They eventually broke off the kiss to come up for air, both of them were panting and neither of them spoke for there were no words that could describe what they were feeling in that moment. The Doctor pressed his forehead against hers again, a new song began to play, another slow one, and they resumed their dancing.

The screen went black, and Rose was holding the blanket close to her chest, cuddling it like a teddy bear. Tears were falling down her face again, but she had a wistful smile as she remembered that moment with such clarity despite the fact that she was drunk. Neither of them said anything else for the rest of the night apart from bidding each other goodnight, they simply danced until they were tired and went to bed. Rose remembers lying in her room with her heart bursting at the memory of their kiss, the taste of his lips still on hers. They didn't kiss again or even mention the kiss since that night, a part of Rose was nervous that he only did it because he was drunk, and that he wouldn't want to let his guard down again like that when he was sober. She knew it was genuine though, no one could fake a kiss like that, and she was content in the knowledge that his feelings for her were as true as hers were for him. Rose stretched and yawned, the warmth of the blanket and late hour was making her sleepy. A new message appeared on the screen

 _There are plenty more videos I want to show you, but sleep now. I will show you more tomorrow night._

"Thanks, old girl. I really appreciate it. It hurts to know he's not here with me, but I feel closer to him than I have done recently. You always seem to know how to make me feel better." She added with a smile, and felt another wave of love wash over her.

Rose slept better than she had done in a while that night, it helped to know that the Doctor did in fact care for her a great deal, and some hope was restored that he would come back to her. Her routine continued as usual over the next few months, and a couple nights a week she would sit in the television room and watch the happy memories she had with the Doctor in the TARDIS. She looked back at memories with him before he regenerated, her favourites being the funny nights she had with him and Jack, particularly the first time they danced round the TARDIS to Glen Miller. She looked back at the first time she ever came into the TARDIS, and thought about just how much both have them had changed since that day. She also liked to watch all the trouble they used to get in whilst they were in the TARDIS, the adventures were never easy but they were exhilarating, and she longed to go on one. The feeling after defeating monsters or saving planets was like no other, and above all else it made her feel alive. To watch those adventures or parts of those adventures back made her at least remember how that felt.

That isn't to say she didn't have her bad days, she was still self harming, and the nightmares still plagued her as usual. But she was coping. She was carrying on. For her, that was a victory, after five years a victory meant something entirely different to what it used to be. When she was with the Doctor, a victory would be saving and helping those in need, whereas now it was a victory if she got through the day without feeling depressed, lonely or anxious. Her feelings for the Doctor were definitely more positive since she started to watch the videos but that isn't to say she wasn't still angry and hurt towards him for leaving. She knew the TARDIS felt that way too, the videos were there to give them hope and to remind them why they were waiting, but Rose knew the Doctor would have a lot of making up to do if he ever came back. Ultimately, the trust between them had been broken and it would take a lot to repair it.

The date was 9th November 2011 and Rose had just been on her morning run and was going to wait on the spaceship with a book. She had woken up feeling a bit drained which was a common occurrence, so she had been a bit slower getting ready and didn't spend a lot of time in the simulation room. She decided to read something familiar as she liked to when she was experiencing moods like these, so she chose Jane Eyre as it was her favourite book they studied in school. She sat down facing where the mirror used to be as she always did and began to read. All in all, it was turning out to be a fairly normal day.

After about an hour of reading, she heard a sound that made her hands shake, her heart quicken and her breathing stop. She heard a sound that made it feel as though her heart dropped into her stomach, and her head started to spin. She heard the sound of someone's voice.


	6. Chapter 6

**Hello all! I thought I'd be mean and leave you hanging and it was perfect timing because I went away to Morocco for a week so didn't have chance to upload it sooner. I really hope you guys enjoy this chapter!**

"Rose! Mickey!" It was him. The Doctor was calling her name. He was back. She had heard his voice on the videos the TARDIS played but actually hearing it for real was something she had wanted and needed to experience for so long, and it sounded just as she had always remembered it. Rose was stunned. Her mouth went dry as she tried to make a sound, but it was as though she had lost all function for a few moments as her brain tried to process what was going on. "Rose! Where are you!" After hearing him call her name a few more times, she eventually snapped out of it and sprung into action.

"Doctor?!" Rose called his name frantically, the initial shock leaving her system enough for her to get up and run towards the sound.

"I'm at the fireplace!" Rose sprinted to the fireplace, and stopped as soon as she saw him. He turned around to face her with a big grin plastered on his face.

"Ah! There you are! I wondered where you got to, I just need to-"

"Y...you're here…" She breathed, shaking slightly, interrupting him and taking in his appearance. He was wearing the same thing he was when he left, he hadn't changed a bit and his casual approach to seeing her made it clear to her that he hadn't been gone long at all. Rose tried to hold back tears, her head felt completely scrambled, she didn't know whether to feel happy, angry or frightened, a mix of all three seemed to be happening in her head and she didn't know which one she should act on. The Doctor frowned on hearing this and tilted his head, taking a step towards her as he took in her appearance as if he had only just properly registered her. She was wearing long sleeves so any cuts were covered but she looked thinner, tired and was wearing different clothes to when he last saw her.

"Rose? Are you alright?" His question snapped Rose out of her trance and she threw her arms around his neck, gripping onto him for dear life. She felt a warmth she hadn't felt in five and a half years, it was so overwhelming she couldn't help but weep. She wept with happiness for her Doctor returning but she also wept for the pain she had been through all this time and yet it hadn't even been a day for him. The Doctor immediately reciprocated the hug, stroking her hair and saying soothing words when he realised she was crying. "Hey, hey, it's okay. I'm here, it's alright." They stayed in each other's arms for a couple of minutes until Rose eventually managed to calm down and her sobs subsided. He pulled back and put a hand to her cheek, wiping away her tears with his thumb, his concerned eyes looking into hers. "Rose, how long have I been gone?" The dreaded question had been asked and Rose opened and closed her mouth a few times, trying to work out how to tell him. It was too overwhelming, she didn't know where to begin, so she lied.

"Just… just a few days, I missed you so much, I didn't know when you'd be back, that's all." The Doctor wasn't completely convinced, but he needed to go back to get Reinette so he decided to deal with it later.

"Well I'm here now. The connection on the fireplace was a bit dodgy so that's probably why I took a bit longer to get to you, it's only been just under an hour for me. Go and get Mickey and wait in the TARDIS, I'll be there in a second, alright? I'm just going to get Reinette, I promised her a trip!" He ran off before Rose could give him an answer, leaving her stunned once again. Had he really just left her to go and find Reinette when he had only just come back to her? She told him he was only gone for a few days to spare his feelings but now she wasn't so sure he deserved that treatment. Deciding not to deal with this now, she went to her room to take in what had just happened. This was something she had been waiting to happen for so long, but for so long now she hadn't even considered what it would be like if it actually happened. She'd have to tell the Doctor how long he'd really been away at some point, he'd find out with or without her.

The Doctor had just read Reinette's goodbye letter, this adventure had been a difficult one but he had no idea just how difficult it had been for his companion. He cared a lot about Reinette, and he'd be lying if he said he didn't find her attractive but he knew nothing could happen between them, not just because of the king of France but because in his head Rose and him were practically exclusive, and Reinette was simply a passing fancy. He never would have gone through with anything with her, the way he felt about Reinette was nothing compared to how he feels about Rose, but he still mourned her, she was a remarkable woman. He was tempted by her advances, there was no denying that, and he was ashamed to admit that part of it was because Mickey had joined him and Rose, he wasn't used to jealousy but he definitely felt it when they were together. The Doctor frowned and looked around the console room, snapping out of his thoughts.

"Where are those two? It feels oddly quiet in here." He started to head to Rose's room but turned round when he heard the TARDIS making a noise to get his attention, and saw a message in Gallifreyan on the screen.

 _There's something you need to know before you go and see her, she won't tell you herself._ The Doctor was worried now, he knew something felt off about her earlier.

"What is it? Did something happen? Is she okay?" He asked urgently.

 _Turn around._

Behind him on the jumpseat were five shoeboxes labelled 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010 and 2011. Curious, he opened 2007, read the top letter in it and saw it was dated May 6th 2007, it was then that the realisation began to set in. Tears silently fell down his face as he read the letter, and he skipped straight to the last one to see just how long he had been gone.

 _8th November 2011_

 _Dear Doctor,_

 _I did it, I finally started to read War and Peace, I was always reluctant because it's really long and you know how I feel about thick books. They just intimidate me! But I don't know when (or if) you'll be back so I may as well start to tackle it, I remember when we went to the early 1800s in Russia and you practically begged me to read it, you even offered to read it to me. I knew I'd fall asleep after hearing a couple of paragraphs though, after you started reading to me when I couldn't sleep I almost became conditioned to doze off at the sound of you reading (and sometimes talking if I don't understand what you're on about) so that never would've worked. It's actually really good, I wasn't sure I'd like it but after all this time my reading taste has definitely expanded so I suppose it was only a matter of time before I started on it._

 _This week and last week have been really bad with the nightmares. I've had one every night since last Monday, and I don't know what in particular could've triggered it. They're pretty much a similar theme to the usual, mostly we're in a sticky position and you leave me behind. It's just tiring, I'm trying so hard to keep faith in you but every time I wake up needing you and you're not there… it's just difficult to do that. I'll keep trying though. I've made it this long, today was just another day. Hope to see you soon._

 _Love,_

 _Rose_

"Five and a half years…" He whispered. The Doctor cursed himself, how could he be so stupid? How didn't he notice just how different she looked and how shocked she was to see him? He had been so distracted by Reinette that he completely disregarded and abandoned the most important woman in his life. The letter Rose wrote broke his hearts, the thought of her suffering without anyone and especially without him was too much for him to bear and all he wanted to do was run to her and hold her close for as long as he possibly could.

Deciding to leave the rest of the letters until later, he wasted no time in going to find Rose. When he knocked on her door and didn't get an answer, he pushed it open a crack to see the light was still on, so he opened it more to see Rose sat up in bed staring straight ahead. His hearts froze at the sight of her, she was wearing a tank top so he could that her arms were littered with cuts old and new, the newest ones bandaged in her wrist. He hadn't realised earlier just how much she had changed; she wasn't wearing any make up, her hair was messy and had clearly been cut by herself. She was very thin, but still seemed to have some decent muscle, so the Doctor was at least a bit relieved to know she had some form of exercise while she was here, but she was far from healthy. When she looked up she was surprised to see the Doctor had been crying, but realisation set in when she saw the letter he was holding. The TARDIS must've showed him the letters, she mentally told the ship she'll be having words with her later.

"It's not been a few days, has it?" He asked in a shaky voice, trying to hold it together. Rose shook her head in response, not trusting herself to speak just yet. The Doctor folded the letter, put it in his pocket and moved to sit opposite her on her bed. "Where's Mickey?" Rose took a shaky breath and paused until she felt she was able to get some words out.

"He left a week after you did. He thought I was coming with him but I told the TARDIS to take me back here when he stepped out of the door, I couldn't just leave you." The Doctor was silent for a few moments, he was desperately trying to stay composed, after all it was Rose who had been through the worst of it. He just couldn't comprehend how he had been away for so long and he couldn't bear to think how Rose must have been feeling. Realising he should probably say something, he took a deep breath and swallowed the tears that were fighting to fall.

"You… You were here? All on your own? Voluntarily? For five and a half years? Rose-"

"I wasn't alone." Rose interrupted. "The TARDIS was still here, I couldn't leave her either." The Doctor scooched closer, and took Rose's hands in his own.

"I'm sorry, Rose, I'm so sorry. I had no idea this would happen, I've only been gone for less than an hour, I'd never abandon you." Rose frowned at the last part, and pulled her hands away.

"But… you did. You left. All this time I've been waiting for you to come back and now you're here…" Rose's head was still spinning, this was all happening so fast, she had no time to mentally prepare for any of this and she didn't want to say much more in her emotional state for fear of saying the wrong thing.

"What, Rose?"

"I need to be alone. Please leave." The Doctor was taken aback by this, but decided all he could do now was to give her some space to let everything sink in.

"Okay, I understand. Can I please take you to the infirmary to take a look under your bandage, though?" Rose looked down and fidgeted, hesitating to answer until she finally gave a small nod. The Doctor got up and stretched his hand out for Rose to take, which she did with a shyness he had never seen in her before, her head still bowed. When they got to the infirmary, Rose sat on the white bed with her legs dangling off the side and the Doctor removed her bandage. His hearts broke all over again when he saw the angry red cuts on her wrist. "What happened?" He asked.

"I don't wanna talk about it." The Doctor almost argued but bit his tongue, knowing she needed time before she really opened up to him. He kept having to remind himself just how long it had been for her, a part of him wanted to go back and examine the fireplace and the mirror to find out why he took so long but he knew there was no point in doing that, his priority was Rose's well being and he guessed that after having been on that dark spaceship for so long she would want to leave as soon as she could.

"Alright, this may sting a little." He said, lightly holding her wrist in one hand as he wiped the cuts clean and put fresh bandages on them.

"Doctor?" Rose began, looking down at what the Doctor was doing with her arm to avoid eye contact.

"Yes, Rose?"

"Did you… did you read all of the letters?" She asked quietly, he sighed in response.

"No, only the first and last one. Do you not want me to?" He replied, praying inwardly she'd let him read them, if he read the letters he would understand what she's going through without her being rushed into opening up to him.

"I know I wrote them for you, but I really don't want you to read them, at least not right now. It's too much." The Doctor desperately wanted to explain why it would be better if he did read them but he knew he was in no position to request anything from her.

"Okay, I understand. I'm done with your arm now, so we can go and get them from the console room." They wordlessly retrieved the boxes and brought them to Rose's room, but just before the Doctor left he turned to look Rose in the eye with remorse, and took her hands in his.

"I really am sorry, Rose. I promise I'll make this right. When you're ready to talk, I'll be here to listen, I won't leave you again and I'll spend every single day by your side just to prove it to you. Do you want me to take you home to see your mum?" Rose slipped her hands out of his and shook her head.

"I just want to go to sleep now, I'm exhausted, the rest can be dealt with later, yeah?" The Doctor nodded, kissed her on the forehead and pulled her in for a hug. They stayed in each others arms for a while, savouring a peaceful moment before what they both knew was going to be a difficult journey, but Rose eventually pulled away and turned to go to her en suite, saying "night" over her shoulder. The Doctor left her room and stormed to his own room, barely able to contain the anger that had been bubbling up inside him since he read the letters until he had shut the door behind him. Once he was inside, he picked up anything in sight and threw it against the walls, trinkets from other planets, pillows, glasses, anything he could find and preferably things that would smash, shouting and swearing as he did so.

"WHY?! WHY HER?! Oh you've really done it this time you STUPID FUCKING TIME LORD!" The Doctor yelled. "She deserves SO MUCH BETTER! SO MUCH MORE!" He let out more shouts and yells until the initial rage had calmed down, and this went on for a good ten minutes. When he finished, he fell to the floor in a heap and leant against a cupboard with his face in his hands, completely exhausted, and began to sob. He was beyond furious at himself for being so careless, because of him his companion lost five and a half years of her life waiting for him. He couldn't understand why she would even wait that long, he wished she could've left with Mickey and had a normal life without him, or at least until he found her again. He promised her mum he would look after her, and he broke that promise the moment he rode the horse out the mirror. Rose suffered because he didn't think rationally, and he knew it wasn't just about showing off, he had to save Reinette's life, but he didn't even consider any alternative options nor did he think about the potential impact it would have on Rose, Mickey and the TARDIS. Eventually he managed to calm himself down and clear his head a little with the TARDIS sending calming hums to him, and he looked around the room, bewildered and exhausted.

"What have I done…" He whispered after a few breaths. He wouldn't be able to sleep until he spoke to someone else he held dear to him, so he slowly stood up and trudged to the console room. When he entered, he stroked her like he usually would, only this time it was with a tenderness he didn't often do. "I abandoned you too, didn't I?" He asked after a few moments, and received a sad hum in response. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry…" He replied. The TARDIS sent a wave of reassurance over him that whilst it was bad, she is still his and he is hers. "It seems as though Rose looked after you well, and you looked after her in return. Thank-you for keeping her safe, old girl." He sat down on the jumpseat and put his head in his hands, sitting in silence for a minute while he tried to come to terms with everything that was happening.

"How do I fix this? I just want to help her, I want to look after her like I did when she had nightmares, but it isn't like that anymore is it? She doesn't trust me and I can hardly blame her. I stole five and a half years of her life from her. I did that. What could have possibly made her stay for such a long time?" The TARDIS put a message on the screen in Gallifreyan.

 _She stayed for you. We knew you would return._ The Doctor groaned in response, this really wasn't the answer he wanted to hear and a new wave of guilt rushed over him.

"She deserves better than me. I was meant to keep her safe, to protect her, and I failed her." A new message appeared on the screen.

 _You're wrong, and she doesn't need your self pitying. Just be there for her now._

"You're right, I know, you're right. I won't ever abandon her or you, and I promise I'll prove that to you both. I'll make this better. I have to make this better." With that, he sighed and stood up, and went back to his room. He had forgotten about the mess he made earlier on but was surprised to see that his room was tidy, just as it had been before, making him smile sadly. "I really don't deserve that treatment, but thank-you." He said to the TARDIS, and got ready for bed, knowing full well that he would be getting little to no sleep.

The Doctor and Rose both lay in their beds awake that night, their heads barely trying to keep up with how fast the day seemed to escalate. The Doctor couldn't comprehend how only an hour of being away from Rose had turned out to be five and a half years for her. He knew the signal on the fireplace was faulty, but he didn't realise just how bad it was. He cringed as he remembered how he left Rose almost instantly after returning to her, barely giving her time to let his return sink in. He was furious at himself for risking going back and forth in the fireplace again, what if he had been gone for another five and a half years? He couldn't bear to think of it, he was just glad the quickness of his visit meant he wasn't gone long.

Rose was trying to hold it together, but she couldn't stop the tears from eventually falling. It was somehow even more of a blow that the Doctor hadn't been gone long enough to appreciate seeing her again when he returned. He ran back to Reinette, and all the fears that had been festering over the past five and a half years felt as though they were coming true. She had no idea how she was going to cope with this, half of her was hurt and angry at the Doctor for leaving her on her own but the other half just craved his affection and his closeness. The TARDIS nudged her mind, pushing her to go and see him, she had been so lonely for so long now, she just needed his presence. Rose sighed and gave in, and went to the Doctor's room. She knocked on the door but didn't wait for a response, she just walked in and stopped at the Doctor's bed, hesitating. The Doctor woke up at the presence of someone else in the room.

"Rose? Are you alright?" He sat up slightly, his eyebrows furrowed with worry.

"Can I stay here tonight?" She asked, and the Doctor instantly moved over to one side giving her space to get in, which she did, facing away from him.

"Of course, you never need to ask that, it's always okay. But are you alright?" He rubbed his hand up and down her arm comfortingly.

"I don't want to talk, Doctor. Just… just don't say anything." She replied, and while this hurt him he understood what she needed. Since she didn't shy away from his touch, he couldn't wait any longer to curl himself around her, pulling her close to him with his arm around her waist, rubbing circles on her stomach. Rose began to shake as she tried to keep herself composed but the affectionate touches were all she had been longing for and it was incredibly overwhelming so she turned over to cuddle up close to him, her face buried in his chest, and began to cry. The Doctor held her close to him, stroking her hair and rubbing her back until she eventually calmed down and dozed off to sleep.

"I'll fix this. I promise." He whispered when he knew she was asleep, half keeping his promise not to talk to her, and kissed the top of her head. He savoured the closeness of her, taking this as a sign that there was hope for them and he could and would make this better and gain her trust again. With that, he too drifted to sleep.


	7. Chapter 7

**Hello everyone! So sorry for not saying this sooner but thank-you for the lovely reviews you've given me, they mean the WORLD. I hope you're enjoying it so far!**

Rose woke the next morning still in the Doctor's arms, and looked up to see he was still asleep. Slowly and carefully, she slipped out of his embrace and tiptoed out of the room to go to her own to have a shower. She needed some time alone before the Doctor woke to think about what she was going to do next and how she was going to deal with this. She didn't want to open up to him about what she had been going through because she didn't trust him enough to do that, and she didn't want to say how hurt she was because she didn't feel emotionally stable enough not to snap and shout at him. The best thing, in her opinion, would be to try and stay as calm and collected around him, she didn't want to provoke any difficult questions. She also couldn't face going out to any planets, she knew it was probably a bit silly to go to the simulation room but she needed somewhere to calm down by herself and she needed somewhere familiar.

When she got out of the shower and got dressed, she glanced at herself in the mirror and did a double take to really look at herself. Until now, she hadn't really registered what she looked like for a while, she knew she didn't particularly like the way she looked but she stopped caring about six months after the Doctor left when she started cutting her hair by herself. Her eyes had dark circles underneath and were slightly sunken in her face, which was much slimmer and paler. Her hair was messy and uneven, she only cut it because of the split ends, she stopped caring about how to style it. She was slimmer and bordering on bony but she had some prominent muscle from all the running, lifting up her t shirt and lightly tracing her fingers over her stomach, she saw just how skinny she had become. Cuts littered her arms up to her shoulders, none of which were big scars thanks to her only having used disposable razors. Rose picked up a bottle of unused mascara and opened it, bringing it to her right eye before pausing, shaking her head and putting it away. She wore makeup when she was younger because she liked the way she looked with it, but now she simply didn't care enough. All in all, Rose knew she looked unhealthy, and no amount of makeup was going to fix that.

When Rose walked into the kitchen, she saw the Doctor staring mournfully at the calendar on the fridge. On hearing her enter, he turned around and rushed to her, pulling her into a hug.

"I'm so sorry, Rose. This wasn't fair on you, it just wasn't fair." Rose shook her head and pulled away.

"Doctor, you should know that last night was a one time thing. I hadn't seen you in five and a half years so I just needed to be close to you, but I still need time to figure this out. What happened really… well, it changed me. I don't know who I am with you anymore. Just give me some space to get my head round it, yeah?" The Doctor nodded solemnly and put his hands in his pockets, he knew he couldn't force this but he was worried about how Rose was coping mentally, he didn't want her to be dealing with this on her own.

"How about I take you to your mum's? I'm sure you miss her, it might be helpful to see her." Rose instantly shook her head.

"I can't, not right now. It's been so long since I've seen anyone, a whole planet of people is too overwhelming right now."

"I understand that but I could just land the TARDIS in your flat, I promise the coordinates won't be off and you don't have to see anyone else." Rose only seemed to half listen to his reply as she grabbed a cereal bar from the cupboard and headed back out, replying over her shoulder.

"I said no. Drop it." The Doctor flopped down onto a chair and put his head in his hands, feeling completely deflated.

"Do I go after her?" The TARDIS hummed a negative, she knew Rose needed some space, if the Doctor smothered her it'd only make things worse. He sighed and nodded, "Right, well I'd better see what condition you're in, you haven't had any work done in five and a half years, I'm surprised you're still functioning at all." When he got to the console room he saw a message displayed on the screen.

 _Last repair: 4 days and 18 hours ago._ The Doctor frowned in confusion, and put his glasses on to look at further readings of the condition of the TARDIS, which sure enough showed her to be in fairly good condition.

"What? How is that possible? You're only self sufficient to an extent…" Just then, a video appeared on the screen, and the Doctor's eyes widened in shock. Rose was repairing the TARDIS almost as well as he could, she would occasionally go to the screen for instructions but all in all she had been doing a stellar job. "What?! When? How?" The TARDIS showed a clip of her doing it for the first time, and whilst the Doctor felt immense pride, he was still baffled at how well she seemed to be doing it even for her first time. It was obvious that the TARDIS started off with the simplest repairs that required following more basic instructions, but as the Doctor flicked through different clips as the months went by, he saw how Rose began to use her intuition for more complex jobs. Working on the TARDIS required a deeper connection with her and an understanding of how she was feeling, it wasn't as simple as only following an instruction manual like you would with a fridge, he wondered if Rose had realised this.

It was becoming clearer to him just how much of a connection Rose and the TARDIS had developed whilst he was away, the way they seemed to be able to communicate was unlike anything he had ever seen with a human. The fact that she was able to fly her back to Earth without flying her, simply by thinking, to drop Mickey off was also astounding. Not even he was able to do that, and he felt like an idiot for not noticing this sooner when she told him. He had a couple of ideas as to why this was, part of him thought maybe the TARDIS built a deeper connection with Rose out of loneliness. He decided to focus on this possibility more and tried to ignore the other part of him that thought it was an effect of Bad Wolf, if this was the case he'd worry about the potential risks. He trusted the TARDIS to keep an eye on Rose's well-being as she had kept her safe all this time, but until he knew exactly what was happening he couldn't relax.

"Right, okay. Don't panic, Doctor. I'm sure there's a perfectly normal explanation for it!" He muttered to himself, "In the meantime, I'm positive you'll need refuelling, I'm surprised you haven't run out yet." A new message appeared on the screen in response.

 _Last visit to the rift: 7 days and 13 hours ago._

"What?! No, that's not possible, she couldn't have done that on her own!" But the readings he got from the TARDIS confirmed it, she had been refuelled very recently. The Doctor was desperate to do a brain scan on Rose but he knew it was too early to bombard her with non urgent medical tests and scans, it was clear that this connection wasn't harming her, at least not at the moment, but he knew he would have to find out at some point. He was certain there were different types of repairs that Rose definitely wasn't able to do simply because she was human, so he decided to get to work with that to clear his head a little.

Meanwhile, Rose was in the simulation room also trying to clear her head, and the TARDIS knew exactly where she needed to go without her having to ask. Lying in a vast purple field in Marilipura after having just had a walk through the forest, she watched the butterflies dance around her and was beginning to feel calmer than she did earlier in the morning.

"I should be happy, shouldn't I?" She asked after a while, "I mean, he's back after all, this is what we've been waiting for. I just didn't expect it to be like this, it sounds silly but I imagined him to run to me and hold me and… oh, I dunno. I'm glad he didn't have to suffer like I did, I'd never want him to go through that, it's just the way he ran back to Reinette. Made me feel like shit if I'm honest with you." The TARDIS hummed in agreement, neither of them were happy with the Doctor but they knew deep down he did it because he was being stupid, not because he didn't care. At least, the TARDIS knew that, Rose wasn't so sure about it. She wanted to believe that he cared, after all he seemed heartbroken by what happened, but she couldn't help wondering if he would have been remorseful at all if he had only been a few days. That first week he was gone was still incredibly difficult and painful, but he didn't seem to care when she told him he had been gone for that long.

 _He would have soon realised._

"Would he? Can you tell me that without any doubt?" No response. Rose nodded and sighed. "I know you're trying to make me feel better, but he barely gave me a second thought when I grabbed onto him and cried for god's sake." Rose sat up and fidgeted for a bit, biting her lip and frowning slightly, after a few moments a new message came up.

 _Say what you need to say, Wolf._ Rose rolled her eyes.

"You know what I'm thinking, I don't need to say it." Again, no response. "Fine. Even if I do forgive him and we move past that, how do I know he won't want me to leave? I'm not the shop girl he met in London anymore, I'm not even the person he went on all those adventures with. I don't wanna leave, I really don't, but why the hell would he let me stay if I don't wanna go anywhere? I just feel so stupid, I spent all this time waiting for him and now I have no idea what to do next, I don't know where I belong."

 _Your home is here._ The TARDIS replied and Rose smiled sadly as she felt the TARDIS send her feelings of love and protection.

"I hope you're right. Thanks, old girl." Deciding that if she lounged in the field any longer she'd only spiral in her thoughts about the Doctor, she got up and went to read her book. She rummaged through her room for it but it was nowhere to be seen, and she groaned when she remembered that she had left it on the spaceship by where the mirror used to be. She went to the console room and stopped just outside when she heard the Doctor walking around in there, took a deep breath and strode to the door, ignoring his greeting, pretending to be looking at her phone.

"Rose, wait!" Rose took a step out of the TARDIS without looking properly and screamed when her foot didn't meet any floor, but it was at this exact moment where she also felt an arm wrap around her stomach and yank her back into the TARDIS. They were floating in deep space, and she stared wide eyed ahead of her, there were a few stars dotted about but other than that there was nothing to be seen. Tears sprang to her eyes at the shock of it all, her breathing became quick and shallow, and her knees buckled at the sight ahead of her. The Doctor was still supporting her when he felt her drop so he lowered her down and released her when she was kneeling on the floor. He shut the TARDIS doors and knelt in front of her, placing his hands on her shoulders and looked into her wide eyes which were staring straight ahead. She was hyperventilating and was trying to speak but couldn't seem to get any words out, tears were starting to run down her face and her hands shook violently.

"Rose? Rose, it's alright, you're safe." When she didn't respond, he took her hands and squeezed them causing her eyes to meet his. "You're okay, we just need to slow your breathing down, alright?" She nodded sharply and he continued. "Right, breath with me, Rose. In…" He breathed in for four beats and she shakily followed him, "and out…" he breathed out for eight beats and she tried to follow, the odd sob interrupting it. They did this a few more times until her breathing calmed a little and she collapsed into the Doctor's arms, still shaking a little. "I'm so sorry, Rose. I took us here five minutes ago when I had finished some repairs, did you not feel us take off?" She shook her head and pulled away, wiping her tears before speaking in a croaky voice.

"I was in the simulation room, so I wouldn't have felt it. Sorry, I should've looked where I was going, I was just so used to us being parked on the spaceship." The Doctor wiped a few stray tears she had missed.

"Don't apologise, I should've warned you before I left. Are you alright?" Rose nodded.

"Yeah, sorry, don't know what that was all about."

"Really Rose there's no need to apologise, you just a panic attack, perfectly understandable considering the circumstances." He replied with a warm smile. Rose looked down, unsure of what to do next, the shock had worn off so now all she felt was embarrassment. "What's the simulation room?" The Doctor asked, sensing her discomfort. Rose stood up and walked to the jumpseat, so the Doctor followed and leaned against the console, facing her.

"It's this room the TARDIS has that can transform into anything, she'd make realistic simulations of places on different planets, only mainly without life forms but she'd throw a few birds or butterflies in there depending on where it was." The Doctor's eyes widened in shock.

"Right… Wow. Even I didn't know she could do that. How do you communicate with her?" Rose frowned in confusion.

"I dunno," She mumbled, "Sometimes I speak to her, sometimes I just think to her, and she might display a message on a screen or from thin air if it's in the simulation room but usually she'd hum or something and I'd be able to tell what she means, or she'd communicate an emotion, it's hard to explain what it feels like. Why do you ask?" The Doctor was shocked, that was pretty much how he communicated with her but he didn't know another human who was so in tune with her.

"No reason," He said, trying to remain nonchalant as he didn't want to overwhelm her. She didn't look convinced and went to say something but he cut in and changed the subject. "Why did you want to go out on the spaceship?"

"Oh, I left my book on there."

"War and Peace? I have a few copies of that, have a look in the library and you'll find one. I can go and get it for you? Or if you wanted to get that one in particular we can go back?"

"No, no, that's okay. I don't really want to see that place anymore, I'll just get a copy from the library." She replied and got up to leave.

"Rose, wait." Rose stopped and considered what to do for a moment, before sighing and turning around, her arms folded, indicating him to continue. "Is there anything I can do to make this better?" Rose thought for a moment, she didn't want to say what she said next but her curiosity had taken over and she had already let her guard down so she felt like at this point she had nothing to lose.

"Did you have feelings for Reinette?" The Doctor opened and closed his mouth a few times.

"I… I was attracted to her, yes, but I didn't want to do anything about it, she was just a passing fancy." Rose frowned at his wording.

"Didn't… want to? What does that mean? Did something happen?" The Doctor looked down and then back up at her, guilt etched into his features.

"She kissed me, but that was it, we didn't do anything else and I promise I didn't make any advances to her." Rose scoffed.

"She kissed you. Did you pull away?" The Doctor cleared his throat and looked down, and Rose rolled her eyes. "Look, I don't care what you did with her, it's not like we're together. The point is you left me twice for her. I can understand the first time because you needed to save her life but you left me again just to show her your fancy time machine and maybe get a shag out of her. I just thought I meant more to you than that, Doctor." Rose had finally started to talk about the anger she was feeling but she couldn't seem to stop, the floodgates were open and the Doctor just stood there dumbstruck at the sudden change in tone. "And yeah, I lied about how long you were gone, but a few days would still have been a long time, and you risked going back when you had no idea how long you could be?! I can just about forgive you leaving for the first time without thinking, but you did it twice. You've made me feel so fucking insignificant, Doctor, so forgive me if I don't trust you enough to properly talk to you about what I've been through, because as far as I'm concerned the only living being that cares about me here is the TARDIS." With that, Rose stormed to the library, not wanting to see the Doctor's reaction.

When she collected a copy of the book, she went straight to her room to read it in her bed, not wanting to bump into the Doctor again just yet. Yelling at him was cathartic but she was embarrassed about her panic attack, she hated how emotionally fragile she was at the moment and she lied when she said she didn't care what he did with Reinette, because despite how furious she was at him she cared about what he thought. After a couple of hours of reading, she heard something shuffle from across her room, and when she went to investigate she saw that a letter with her name on the envelope had been slipped under the door.

 _Dear Rose,_

 _I'm not writing this letter because I don't want to say these things to your face, I'm writing it because I do but I understand why you don't want to see me right now. Words will never describe how sorry I am for what I did to you, I will never forgive myself for abandoning you so I will never expect you to forgive me. It kills me that it was for such a long time but you're right, even if it was for a few days it would still be awful and you would still be perfectly entitled to hate me for it. If I could go back and change everything I would in a heartbeat, and I've thought about it, but we've dealt with difficult paradoxes before and it wouldn't end well._

 _I was attracted to Reinette, yes. That was it, though. I didn't have real feelings for her and I regret not pushing her away when she kissed me because even though you may not care what I do with her, I felt wrong doing it anyway. I only wanted to take her on one trip, that was it, nothing more, and it wouldn't be anywhere exciting either. I shouldn't have gone back to her, though, it was utterly careless of me and I should've thought about the potential consequences._

 _The last thing I'd want is to abandon you or make you feel as though no one cares about you, because I do, I promise I do. You mean more to me than I could ever describe and I'm sorry I haven't told you or showed you more. I just want you to be happy, Rose. I'm worried about you. I don't blame you for not wanting to talk to me but I don't want you to go through this alone. If or, hopefully, when you're ready to talk, I'll be right here, I promise. I was a broken man when I met you, I had just lost my whole planet and you made me better, don't think I've forgotten that. You are so precious to me, and you deserve a far better companion than me, but I'll spend everyday trying to make you feel happy and cared for. I hope one day we can start again, there's no one else I would rather travel all of space and time with._

 _All my love,_

 _Your Doctor_

Rose was sat on the end of her bed when she finished reading, holding back the tears threatening to fall because by this point she was sick of crying. She was touched by what the Doctor said, and she genuinely believed every word. It would take time to really trust him again but this was a start. She suddenly felt very claustrophobic cooped up in her room, and almost as if on cue her stomach rumbled so she took a moment to mentally prepare herself and went to the kitchen where the Doctor was sat having a cup of tea. He smiled at her when she came in but was hesitant to say anything until she did.

"I'm gonna make some pasta, do you want some?" She asked pleasantly, and the Doctor released a breath he didn't realise he had been holding.

"Yeah that sounds lovely, thank-you. Do you want a hand?" Rose smiled and shook her head.

"Nah it won't take long." The Doctor nodded and went back to his tea as Rose started to prepare the meal. She was just about fill the kettle with water for the pasta when she looked up at the Doctor. "I don't hate you, Doctor." She said with sincerity. The Doctor looked taken aback at first then his face softened to a smile which she returned before busying herself with preparing dinner, indicating that was all she wanted to be said on the matter for the moment.

"So, this simulation room, where did you go?" He asked after a few minutes, deciding the safest thing to do was make casual conversation.

"All sorts of places, but mainly places where I could just go on runs or walks like fields, forests or jungles on different planets, sometimes places on Earth as well."

"Were there any places you liked in particular?"

"Loads, but my favourite was the first place she took me which was a planet called Marilipura, she took me to a forest there which lead out onto a big field and there were always these white butterflies everywhere."

"Ah yes in the Gemula galaxy, I remember those purple forests and fields, it's been decades since I last went. We can see it for real, if you'd like. It's not actually a civilised planet and most of the wildlife in the forest is nocturnal, so we'd be pretty much undisturbed." Rose stopped what she was doing and frowned for a moment as though she was deep in thought, but eventually shook her head.

"No, not right now. I don't want to stop you from travelling though, if you want to go somewhere I'm happy to wait on the TARDIS."

"No." The Doctor replied instantly, barely letting her finish, causing her to look up at him in surprise. "I meant what I said, I don't want to travel with anyone but you. I'm happy to wait." Rose blushed ever so slightly and looked down, carrying on with the meal in silence trying to hide a smile that was threatening to show. The rest of the night was calmer, they chatted about little things when they ate and Rose decided to have another early night, the past couple of days had taken their toll and she didn't exactly have a refreshing sleep the night before. They slept in separate beds true to her word, and despite the peaceful ending to the day, their night was far from it. The Doctor couldn't sleep, he wouldn't forget Rose's harsh but truthful words in a hurry, he didn't know what he'd do if she left him and he was desperately trying to think of the perfect solution to fix the mess he made. Rose's night was plagued by the usual nightmares of the Doctor leaving her, it would take a lot more than a letter to stamp out the fears and insecurities that had built up over the years.

For two people who skipped through time as one skips through a book, the future never felt more disconcerting. The TARDIS knew, however, that their fears were ultimately wrong, or else one of them would have been sleeping peacefully that night.


	8. Chapter 8

**Hello all! I've been having so much fun writing this, I really hope you're all liking where it's going so far!**

 **Trigger Warning for graphic mention of self harm in this chapter so please be aware of this as you read.**

A week had passed since the Doctor's letter. The week had been peaceful, Rose carried on with her usual routine and the Doctor didn't protest, he knew it was going to take time for her to be ready to start travelling again. He didn't want her to be lonely though so he joined Rose in the library to read whenever she did, and when he did work on the TARDIS, Rose joined in. Whilst he was glad they were getting on, he was starting to crave some real conversation beyond small talk. He knew Rose needed time before she properly talked to him, but he was worrying about her more and more each day with how collected and controlled she was acting, it meant he had no indication of how she was really feeling. He would even rather she shouted at him again, he knew that five and a half years of pent up emotion can't have all been released in one outburst. Despite the peaceful week, however, the Doctor could feel a kind of tension building in both of them, he was becoming increasingly frustrated at not knowing how to help Rose and he knew it was only a matter of time before Rose broke down in some way. It was simply a question of who was going to snap first.

Rose was doing her best all week to keep her cool, she was tired of having mood swings and she needed to have some quiet time to let everything process in her head. She knew she would have to speak to the Doctor properly at some point, but her fears of him leaving her were only growing stronger after her panic attack. She didn't self harm either, she had almost done so on multiple occasions but she didn't want the Doctor to catch her in the act or notice any new scars. The letter he wrote her was incredibly touching and whilst she believed every word he wrote, she was worried he'd change his mind as soon as he realised just how damaged she had been by this whole ordeal. She was getting incredibly tired of these fears circulating round her head and it felt as though there was no solution, if she didn't talk to him she would only get worse but if she did talk to him she was convinced he would leave her. At this point in time, the word Rose would use to best describe how it felt in her head would be noisy. Rose was also no stranger to nightmares, she had been plagued by them most nights over the past five and a half years, but she had a particularly bad one on the seventh night of the Doctor returning.

 _"Doctor! Wait for me!" Rose yelled as she ran towards the TARDIS, but the Doctor gave her a sly smile and shut the door, dematerialising without her. She was trapped on the spaceship and the clockwork robots were advancing closer and closer. Rose crouched down and held her head in her hands, begging it to be over._

 _"You waited so long for me when I don't even care about you," the Doctor's voice echoed in her head, "You're a naïve little girl, how could I possibly love someone like you? How could I possibly love someone who voluntarily harms themselves?"_

 _"Doctor, please come back! Please!" Rose yelled to no avail, when suddenly she felt a cool metal blade against her throat._

Rose bolted upright, breathing heavily as she took in her surroundings and was reassured that she was in no immediate danger. The relief of being safe was soon replaced with a feeling of intense loneliness as she knew her nightmare had made her worst fear appear to be so real. She looked down at her hands and saw that they were shaking, she tried to compose herself but all she could feel was fear and isolation. Unable to contain herself any longer, she ran to her en suite and rummaged through the bathroom cabinet until she found a razor. Taking a deep breath, she pressed the blade onto her skin and began to cut.

Meanwhile, the Doctor was in his bed reading a book as he couldn't get to sleep. He felt a strong wave of alarm flood his mind, and knew at once the TARDIS was letting him know something was wrong, and so, dressed only in a pair of pyjama bottoms and a t shirt, he instinctively sprinted to Rose's room first to check she was okay. When he got to her room he soon realised she was far from it, as he saw her in her en suite standing over the sink, her back to the Doctor with blood covering her arm and dripping onto the white porcelain. She was about to make another cut when the Doctor shouted her name, rushed over to her and grabbed the razor out of her hand. Rose didn't have time to react as the Doctor took her good arm and wordlessly rushed her to the infirmary.

"Sit down." He ordered as he gathered equipment from the cabinets in the infirmary. Rose complied, knowing she didn't have much of a choice in the matter, so she hopped up onto the bed, her legs dangling off the side. The Doctor turned to face her, and she quickly glanced into his eyes before bowing her head and looking away. The way she looked at the Doctor with fear and worry snapped the Doctor out of his harsh approach to the situation, and his face softened a little. "May I?" He asked in a quieter voice, holding out his hand. Rose nodded and held out her bloody arm, wincing as the Doctor began to clean the wounds. When he was finished, he began to dress the wound.

"I'm sorry." Rose spoke in such a small voice that the Doctor barely heard her, and his hearts broke at how insecure she sounded.

"Rose, look at me." He said in the same soft voice he used earlier. Rose was hesitant, but eventually looked up to meet his warm brown eyes, and was surprised to see nothing but affection in them. "I'm not angry at you, I was just startled by all the blood. Please don't apologise to me, alright?" Rose nodded, and hopped off the bed as the Doctor had finished. The Doctor took her good arm gently as she went to leave, turning her around to face him.

"Doctor I'm tired, please just let me go to bed." She said before the Doctor could say anything.

"Rose… I need to know what's going on. I know I said I'd let you come to me, but you can't expect me to leave you alone when you're physically hurting yourself like this. Why won't you talk to me properly? I can't help you until I know what's wrong." Rose shifted uncomfortably on her feet, before finally speaking.

"I… I just don't want to talk about it. I can't talk about it. I want to go to bed." The Doctor let go of her arm and groaned in frustration as he ran his hands through his hair.

"Come on, Rose, how long will it be like this? You can't stay in the TARDIS forever ignoring the fact that life has to move on at some point! I can only do so much, why can't you just say something that has some actual meaning to it?!" He shouted, his voice getting louder and louder as he went on. Rose clenched her fists and turned on her heel with the intention of storming to her room, when she heard the Doctor's footsteps follow right behind her.

"Leave me alone, Doctor!" The Doctor ignored her, and pushed in front of her to open her door when they got to her room. He strode in with purpose and headed to the en suite.

"Sit." He ordered tersely, pointing to the bed as he walked. Rose sensed the oncoming storm so wordlessly obeyed, sitting cross legged on the bed. The Doctor rummaged through her bathroom cabinet, taking out the razors she had. "You want to stay cooped up here without speaking to me? Fine. But I'm not having you hurting yourself anymore. Do you have anything else sharp in the room?" Rose shook her head no and the TARDIS hummed in affirmation to the Doctor to let him know she was telling the truth. He stopped to look at Rose, pausing as he thought of what to say before sighing, before shaking his head and turning away towards the door. "Get some sleep." He muttered as he left, closing the door behind him.

Rose was in shock, the Doctor's temper had risen so quickly, and it made her wonder how angry he might get if she told him about everything she was going through. She had been terrified of this exact thing happening, she knew it was a matter of time before he got tired of how she was dealing with everything. It was for this reason that she believed it was the right thing to do not to talk to the Doctor like he wanted her to, if he got angry at her when she cut herself, who knows how he would react when she told him everything that happened while he was gone? She wouldn't be surprised if he took up her earlier offer to go off on adventures without her and leave her on the TARDIS. She wouldn't blame him either, she wouldn't blame anyone for not wanting to spend time with her. Sighing, she lay down and decided to try and get some sleep, she had only had an hours worth earlier and the tiredness was catching up to her.

 _Rose walked into the console room where the Doctor was stood waiting for her, his face stony and his arms crossed._

 _"Everything okay?" She asked, and he snorted out a bitter laugh._

 _"You know it's not, Rose. You come to my TARDIS, live, eat and sleep in her, and you refuse to go to any planets with me. You do realise that's the only reason I asked you to come with me, right? I didn't want a roommate, I wanted a travel companion, and right now you're just a lazy joke. I think it's time you left." Each word was like a dagger in Rose's heart, she felt tears pool in her eyes as she desperately tried to hold them back._

 _"I-I'm sorry, I can do better, I promise!" She let out a sob and the Doctor strode over to her and grabbed her arm, gripping tight enough to leave a bruise._

 _"Spare me the crocodile tears, little girl. It's too late to 'do better' and you know it. I want you out." He spat out venomously._

 _"No! Doctor! Please! Don't leave me!" She cried as he dragged her to the TARDIS doors and threw her into a dark alleyway on Earth. "Where even is this?!" She shouted, and he smirked at her._

 _"You're on Earth, I didn't bother with any other specifics. You were such a disappointment, Rose, I'd be lying if I said I'm sad to see you go." He replied, pushing her to the floor and swiftly returning to the TARDIS, slamming the door behind him. Rose darted up and tried to open the door but it was locked, she screamed and yelled to no avail, the TARDIS began to dematerialise and she was left alone._

Rose bolted up in bed for the second time that night, tears running down her face, and without thinking she ran to the Doctor's room. She burst through the door without knocking, and froze still when she saw him asleep in bed and realised what she had just done. The Doctor woke at the noise of the door, groggily half sat up and turned the lamp on, scrunching his eyes at Rose. She was standing awkwardly a few feet away from his bed, fidgeting and out of breath with a look of fear in her eyes.

"Rose? What's wrong?" He asked with more alarm as he took in her tear stained face. Rose looked down at her hands, and began to shake slightly as a fresh wave of tears threatened to fall.

"Please don't leave me…" she whispered, it was lucky the Doctor had brilliant hearing because he immediately sprang out of bed and rushed over to hold her close to him. Rose wrapped her arms around his torso as she buried her face in his chest and began to cry.

"Oh, Rose, I could never leave you. I'm so sorry for getting angry before, I was just frustrated that I didn't know how to help you but I shouldn't have taken it out on you." The Doctor released Rose and took her face in his hands, wiping the tears away with his thumbs and smiling softly at her. "You waited five and a half years for me, the least I can do is have some patience. I just think it will help both of us if I really understand what you're going through because then I'll be able to help you." Rose nodded in understanding.

"I know, I've just been, well, worried that I'll become too much of a bother. I keep having nightmares that's you'll leave me behind either on earth or back on that spaceship." The Doctor immediately pulled her close again as they resumed their previous position.

"Those nightmares are just that: nightmares. They will never happen in real life, and that is a promise. Nothing you can say to me would ever make me leave you behind somewhere, alright?" Rose nodded in affirmation again, her tension leaving her body as the warmth of the Doctor made her feel safe and loved. "Do you want to talk about it?" The Doctor asked softly, and Rose nodded again. The Doctor breathed a sigh of relief, gave her one last squeeze and led her to his bed where they sat up, the Doctor's arm around Rose as she leaned into him and rested her head on his shoulder.

"It's a lot of things really… I don't know where to start." Rose said after a few moments of silence, and the Doctor gave her a squeeze of reassurance.

"That's okay, just take all the time you need." Rose nodded and took a deep breath, taking a few more moments to sort it out in her head.

"I stayed on the TARDIS for you and for her. I couldn't leave her to wait for you alone, and I couldn't risk you coming back here with no one waiting for you. I know the TARDIS could've taken me back to Earth whenever I wanted her to, but I also know there was a good chance she'd leave me behind. I love her so much and I know she loves me, I've gotten to know her so deeply over time and so it isn't that I don't trust her because I really do, she's looked after me and kept me sane over these years. But my connection with her will never be on the same level as your connection with her, and I know for a fact you'd have wanted me to go to Earth to wait for you there or, if you didn't come back, to live out the rest of my life, and I know she knows it too. So I couldn't risk leaving her, because a part of me knew she'd go back to the spaceship without me to give me a chance at a normal life. I knew very early on there was nothing that could make me leave. I'd have waited 10, 20, 50 years. I'd have waited until I died. I'm sorry that this really isn't what you wanted to hear." She added quickly when she felt the Doctor tense up at that last part.

"Rose…"

"No, Doctor. I have to get all of this out now, okay?" The Doctor sighed and nodded, so she continued. "I got used to a solitary life, I got used to having no human or Time Lord contact. I didn't like it, I don't think anyone would, but it became normal for me. When I had breakdowns and… and cut myself, I knew that all I needed was to talk to someone. It was the TARDIS's idea to start writing the letters and it helped a lot, I would've been much worse off if I didn't, but it wasn't the same. Not a day went by where I didn't think about you coming back and how happy I'd be to see you, but it felt like a dream, I never really thought about what would happen next because I didn't want to. I decided I'd cross that bridge if and when I got to it, because the thought of going back to my life outside here became more and more terrifying. The thought of going to a planet with lots of people is just so overwhelming, I don't know how I'd act in front of people anymore." Rose paused, and the Doctor began to stroke up and down her arm in a comforting manner, encouraging her to continue. Taking a shaky breath, Rose continued, but the composure in the tone of her voice was slipping.

"It's just a constant battle in my head between finally leaving the TARDIS to see the universe and everything it has to offer and sticking to a life I know. I miss my mum, I miss Mickey, I missed you so much that my heart broke every time I went back to the TARDIS to sleep after waiting for you on the ship. I just feel so lonely but so scared and weak and I don't know what to do or what to say to you, and I'm so fucking furious at you for leaving me without a second thought but I know it was only a couple of hours for you and I know you wouldn't have done it if you knew this would happen. I want to punish you so you can feel the loneliness I feel but every time I saw you this week I just wanted to run to you and cry and hold you because I feel so lost and confused and I feel like I'm just going insane!" Rose jumped out of bed and started pacing the room, the Doctor just sat dumbstruck and stared at her, he was feeling utterly powerless as she broke down before his eyes and continued talking, her voice getting louder and faster with every word.

"It's been five and a half years, five and a half fucking years of solitary confinement and I knew every day that I had to stay but I refused to think about any consequences or outcomes, I just had to be patient and wait and wait and fucking wait for you to come back to me! Sometimes it feels as though I can't breathe because everything is just piling on my shoulders and I have so many fears going round my head and so much that I have to say to you or anyone but it's like my mouth has been zipped shut because I don't know how to express what I don't know is happening to me and I feel so stupid for letting myself get like this! I'll go from being depressed and numb and lonely and empty to being terrified and wired and I've never had anyone to talk to so it's all just happened in my head and it's been waiting to burst out of me and I just want to fucking scream sometimes because it's just too much for me to process, I feel like I'm just in overdrive and I'm just going to collapse at any moment!" Rose was sobbing now as she shouted, and she stopped pacing and turned to the Doctor, who had tears running down his face at this point. She clenched her hair with her fists as if she was about to rip it all out, her eyes darting about the room like that of a frightened animal. "I just don't know what to do, Doctor! I don't know what to do!" She wailed, and covered her face with her hands as her knees buckled and she fell to the floor, sobs and wails wracking her body, filling the room with a horrible pained noise.

The Doctor rushed out of bed and ran to her, he crouched down and gathered her into his arms, picking her up and bringing her into bed where he held her on his lap and she curled into him, still wailing and sobbing. He knew she had five and a half years of pent up emotions and this was the only way her mind and body knew how to express them, so all he could do was hold her tightly and rock her, burying his face into her hair and softly crying with her whilst repeating words of comfort over and over to her. He also took this time to really think about what he wanted to say to Rose, this was a situation that required more than just comforting phrases, it was clear that Rose felt incredibly lost and muddled so he wanted to be calm and rational for her. After what felt like hours for both of them, Rose's voice eventually went hoarse and her wails turned into softer sniffles that were muffled by the Doctor's chest, so he took a deep breath and began to speak.

"Rose… Words will never express how sorry I am. You are so precious to me and I will never ever forgive myself for doing this to you. If I could go back and change my actions I'd do it in a heartbeat. I know I said this to you in the letter but I needed to say it to you out loud because you need to know I mean every word. I never want you to feel afraid of talking to me, there's no right or wrong way for you to communicate how you're feeling now or how you felt then, the point is to communicate it, alright?" He felt Rose give a small nod and continued. "We're going to overcome this together, I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure you don't feel lonely or isolated. None of this will ever make me abandon you. With regards to your fear of going back to our old life of travelling, we will do this at your pace, I'll never force you to go anywhere you're not comfortable with. When we do go somewhere, I'll be with you every step of the way. How does that sound?" Rose had calmed down by this point, so she cleared her throat slightly.

"Good. That sounds good." She croaked out softly, and the Doctor gave her a squeeze.

"That's what we'll do then. It's going to take time, Rose, but I know we can do this. I know you can do this. You're so incredibly strong and brave, more than you give yourself credit for. The way you looked after yourself and the way you and the TARDIS looked after each other for so long is truly incredible. You're not weak, and you're not insane. But you don't have to do this alone anymore. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere, and I'm going to take care of you like you've always taken care of me. Alright?" Rose nodded.

"Thank-you, Doctor. Honestly I expected you to run for the hills when I told you everything. I hate that I'm like this at the moment and I'm really trying not to be, and I'm sorry I'm not exactly succeeding with that."

"Please stop apologising, Rose. I hate it as well but not because I blame you, I hate seeing you suffer like this and I really don't want you to feel like it's your fault. It's only been a week since I came back so of course you're not going to be back to your normal self, this is gonna take time. The main thing you need to understand is that you're still Rose, you're still the girl I asked to come with me to travel the stars not once, but twice. You mean more to me than you know, and I promise this doesn't change that one bit." Rose looked up at the Doctor to give him a watery smile which he returned, before leaning her head into the crook of his neck as they sat in silence. Rose was too drained to say anything else about the situation, but she was already feeling calmer about it all, and it was going to take time to properly work through everything. Their moment of peace was interrupted when she stifled a yawn and she realised how sleep deprived she felt. "Come on, let's get some sleep. We can talk about this more tomorrow." The Doctor said, knowing that after a good night's sleep they'd both be in a clearer head.

"Okay, that sounds good. Am I okay to stay here tonight?"

"Of course you are and you're forbidden from asking that again. It is always alright, that's a promise." The Doctor replied and placed a kiss on her forehead. They released each other and crawled under the covers, immediately reaching back towards each other when they lay down. Rose laid her head on the Doctor's chest and slung her arm over his waist, and the Doctor wrapped his arms around her, holding her close. They lay in comfortable silence for a few moments before Rose spoke in a slightly stronger voice than before.

"One of the things I missed the most when you were gone was physical contact. Hugs, hand holding, just anything. I hope I don't get too clingy by making up for the lost times." The Doctor held her tighter, he understood all too well the feeling of needing a hand to hold but having no one there.

"No, don't worry about that, Rose. I'm more than happy to make up for that lost time. You know I love a hug, anyway, I'd never mind that." Rose giggled a bit, and the Doctor's hearts fluttered as he realised that was the first laugh he heard from her since he returned. Smiling, he kissed the top of her head. "Goodnight, Rose. I'll keep the bad dreams away." Rose smiled at that.

"Thank-you, Doctor. Goodnight." With that, they both fell into a dreamless sleep.


	9. Chapter 9

**Hey all! This chapter is just fluff fluff and more fluff so hope you all enjoy! I suppose you could call it the calm before the storm?**

The Doctor woke the next morning feeling well rested, and smiled down at the woman in his arms. He was relieved that she finally got everything she was feeling off her chest despite how heart wrenching it was to witness, he felt as though they had rebuilt some of that trust that had been lost during the time he was away from her. He lightly brushed some hair out of her face and was pleased to see that the dark circles under her eyes had significantly lightened, indicating she too had a peaceful night of sleep. Her face was still rather skinny, she hadn't really gained any weight since he returned and he decided that this would be their next goal, it was of the utmost importance not only for the adventures he hoped they'd have but for her general quality of life that she was physically healthy again. He didn't know what the exact cause of her weight loss was but he could make a fairly educated guess that over the years she didn't need to use as much energy as she did when they travelled together, and her poor mental health would have also caused her to lose her appetite. Deciding he wanted to do something about it as soon as he could, he carefully slid out of Rose's embrace and slowly got out of bed to make her a hearty breakfast.

"Doctor?" He heard a sleepy voice call behind him as he was at the door, and immediately went to sit on the edge of the bed next to Rose who was waking up, putting a hand on her shoulder.

"I'm here, Rose. I was just going to make you some breakfast and bring it to you in bed." To his surprise, Rose shook her head and instantly sprung to action, almost kicking the Doctor as she flung her legs off the side of the bed. "Hey, easy now, let yourself wake up first. What's the rush?"

"I want to come with you." She said, and took his hand as they stood up together. The Doctor remembered what she said last night about needing a hand to hold but not having anyone there, and realised she was in fact making up for lost time. Giving her hand a squeeze they went to the kitchen together and Rose sat down as the Doctor put the kettle on.

"We should probably get some fresh food in, I know the TARDIS has the cupboard and freezer endlessly stocked but I fancy a banana, what do you think? I'm happy to park somewhere and nip out to a shop to get some things, I promise I won't be long." He said, handing Rose a cup of tea.

"Thanks," She replied, and then thought about his proposition for a few moments. "Yeah, you're right, I think some fresh food would do us some good. You promise you won't be long?" She replied, trying to hide the worry in her voice, but the Doctor saw past it and sat beside her, taking her hand in his.

"I just need to get dressed first and then I'll be no longer than half an hour and probably not even that long, you have my word. I'll park us in the most boring part of England where nothing dangerous happens and go to a supermarket there. I want to make you a proper meal." Rose smiled and squeezed his hand.

"Alright, yeah okay that sounds good. Full English?" She asked.

"Your wish is my command, Rose Tyler. I'll set off now, you have your cup of tea. See you soon." He replied, placed a kiss on her head and walked to the console room to land the TARDIS somewhere on Earth. True to his word, he returned to the kitchen 25 minutes later where he found Rose sat in the same spot reading War and Peace. "You liking that so far?" He asked, causing Rose to jump and drop her book.

"Doctor! How the hell do you sneak in like that?! I've lost my page now!" She exclaimed, flicking through the pages and putting her bookmark in when she finally found her place. She looked up and saw the Doctor trying incredibly hard to suppress a laugh, but on seeing her grumpy face he couldn't take it and burst out laughing.

"I'm sorry, Rose, but you should've seen your face!" Rose tried her best to keep her scowl but a smile broke out when she thought about how she must've looked.

"Git. You'd better make me a good breakfast now." The Doctor grinned and waggled his eyebrows, holding up two big shopping bags.

"Oh don't you worry, you just sit back and watch the master chef work his magic." Rose rolled her eyes but couldn't hold back her smile.

"Alright Gordon Ramsay, I'll believe it when I see it. Where did you take the TARDIS?" The Doctor grabbed a frying pan and started on the breakfast as he talked.

"Bromborough, it's in the north west, nothing ever happens there. Perfect spot! Do you want a banana while you're waiting?"

"How could I resist?" Rose replied, and accepted the banana that was being held out to her. When she took a bite, she smiled dreamily and let out a hum of satisfaction. "Wow. That's the first banana I've had in five and a half years, never thought I'd be so happy to have one."

"Bananas are good!" The Doctor replied with a grin. "How's your arm?" He added.

"Stings a bit, but it's alright. Thanks for sorting it out last night."

"That's alright. Can I ask why it is you do it?" The Doctor replied, hopeful that she was still in the mood to share. Rose frowned, deep in thought as she tried to figure out how best to word her response.

"I mean, I do it for a few reasons, but the end result is always the same. It's like a release, it's satisfying. If I feel numb or lonely I do it because I just want to feel something, I think if anyone had to choose between feeling nothing and feeling pain they'd feel pain. At least it's something I can control. I don't know, it sounds silly and I don't really know why I do it myself, I really try not to." The Doctor nodded solemnly as he carried on cooking.

"Do you think it would help you if you came to me when you felt the need to do it? You said last night that you just needed someone to talk to most of the time, and there's no pressure to tell me that you are feeling that way, but if you just told me that you were feeling bad? I might be able to help." Rose nodded in understanding.

"Yeah, no yeah definitely, I'll keep that in mind. Thanks, Doctor." The Doctor smiled and they stayed in silence for a while until the Doctor plated up breakfast for the two of them and sat down opposite Rose. It looked delicious, it was a true full English perfectly cooked and Rose couldn't wait to get stuck in. "Okay, I'll admit it, you really are a master chef." Rose said after she had a mouthful, but rolled her eyes when she saw his smug grin, maybe it wasn't the best idea to stroke his ego even more.

"Well we'll have more breakfasts like these Miss Tyler, you need to build up your strength."

"Yeah, I suppose I am a bit skinny at the moment. I just never seem to have much of an appetite."

"You do today though," Rose shot him a glare, so he quickly tried to save himself. "In a good way! I've been worried about how much weight you lost so it's good to finally see you eating properly, I hope this can continue." Rose's face softened and she went back to her food.

"Yeah, I suppose I didn't like to eat much when I hadn't had a good night's sleep or if I was feeling anxious or something."

"So you're feeling better today, then?" Rose nodded and looked up at the Doctor gratefully.

"I am. I'm sorry I went off on one last night but honestly it felt quite good to let it all out, I guess I didn't realise how much had been building up."

"Okay, we need to clear something up." Rose immediately looked worried at the Doctor's sudden serious change in tone. "You need to stop apologising so much, Rose. You sound like a broken record and I sound like one too every time I tell you off for it." Rose looked hurt, but the Doctor continued. "What I mean is, I want you to recognise that what you are feeling isn't only normal considering the circumstances, it's also valid and you have every right to 'go off on one' when things get too much. I don't mind, really I don't. You're dealing with so much already, you don't want to be dealing with unnecessary guilt. I know better than anyone how debilitating that can be. Please just try and remember that, okay? I won't get angry if you apologise, I'm not a monster, I just need you to try and stop yourself and forgive yourself before you say it because I can guarantee that I'll forgive you anyway." Rose wasn't sure what to say at first, she was so overwhelmed by how caring the Doctor was being at the moment, so she nodded, swallowing back tears. The Doctor smiled warmly and they both got back to their food, knowing there was nothing else that needed to be said. They ate in silence until they finished, and Rose gathered hers and the Doctor's plate to wash up.

"Thank-you for breakfast, I can't remember the last time I had a full English that good."

"The pleasure is all mine. What do you want to do today?"

"I know it sounds really silly because all I seem to have been doing lately is lounging about, but do you fancy watching a film or something this morning? This week has just been intense and I've not exactly felt relaxed, might be nice to get my mind off everything, y'know?"

"That sounds like a perfect way to spend the morning. Did you have anything in mind that you wanted to watch?" Rose thought for a moment.

"How about Shaun of the Dead? I haven't watched it in ages."

"We only watched that a week and a half ago, didn't we?" The Doctor said before thinking, and his eyes widened as soon as he realised what that meant. A week and a half ago for him, yes, but five and a half years plus a few days for her. Rose looked down and bit her lip, unsure of what to say. "Oh, no, sorry, of course we can watch that, Rose."

"No, it's okay, I don't wanna make you watch it again, come to think of it that was the last film we watched together before… well, you know. Silly of me not to remember." The Doctor was inwardly kicking himself at this point.

"No really Rose we can watch it, I don't mind at all, it's a good film!"

"I want to watch something we both want to watch though, lets just think of something else." The Doctor was going to argue when he had an idea.

"Well, have you seen Hot Fuzz, the second film they made?"

"They made a second one?" Rose replied, intrigued.

"Yes! It might be just after your time, well your time since coming here. It's funnier than Shaun of the Dead in my opinion." Rose smiled, she could tell he was really trying to make amends for the slip up.

"Yeah, go on then." They went to the television room and cuddled on the sofa under the blanket as the TARDIS played the film. They forgot all about the awkward moment from before as they howled with laughter at the film, and when it was over Rose declared that she too thought it was even better than Shaun of the Dead, which was saying something. After chatting a bit about the film, the Doctor had a proposition for how to spend the rest of their day.

"How would you feel about going to Marilipura today? I don't want to push you but it'll be virtually the same as the TARDIS simulation as it's uncivilised and there's not much daytime wildlife apart from the butterflies and some birds. I'll be with you the whole time, as well, we could even take a picnic." Rose looked nervous for a moment, but took a deep breath and nodded.

"Okay. Sod it. We may as well do it while I'm open to it. I suppose it would be nice to see those butterflies in real life." The Doctor was elated, he felt as though he was finally getting through to Rose, and this was going to be a huge step for her.

"Brilliant. How about you go and get dressed and I'll fix us up a picnic basket? We can meet back in the console room in half an hour."

"Look at you going all domestic. See you in a bit." Rose replied with a grin, then went to her room to get ready. When Rose showered she instinctively went for the usual jeans and t shirt combo, but stopped and thought that maybe, seeing as today was a day for stepping out of her comfort zone, she'd wear something a bit nicer as she had always envisioned herself in a summery dress when she would first go to Marilipura. She had to get her jeans and t shirts from the TARDIS wardrobe for the last few years because of how much weight she had lost, so she threw on a dressing gown and went to investigate. When she went to the rack of women's clothes in her size, there was a light shining on a particular dress and she smiled and shook her head when she realised the TARDIS had clearly already chosen for her. Taking the dress off the rack and holding it against her body in the mirror, she had to admit it was really beautiful. It was a white lacy dress that went just above the knee with a sweetheart neckline and spaghetti straps. Rose loved it, but she looked worried.

"It's beautiful but I'm not sure I want to wear something short sleeved, not with the state of my arms at the moment." The TARDIS nudged her mind, telling her to try it on anyway. When Rose changed and looked at herself in the mirror, she couldn't help but smile at her reflection, the dress really was very flattering on her and it would look perfect in Marilipura. She looked at her arms and frowned. "Are you sure the scars don't ruin it?" The TARDIS hummed a negative instantly, and Rose thought for a moment, then nodded. "Okay. Okay, I'll wear it. Thanks, old girl, you have great taste." She decided to put on a bit of make-up as well in the spirit of things, she had missed being able to doll herself up every now and then.

When Rose entered the console room, she grinned at the Doctor who was facing the screen putting coordinates in. There was a picnic basket and blanket on the jumpseat, and Rose couldn't wait to see what he had put inside. On hearing her enter, the Doctor spun round with a grin which dropped to a look of awe.

"Rose… you look beautiful." Rose blushed and smiled, a fluttery feeling bubbled in her stomach at the way he looked at her.

"For a human, you mean?" The Doctor grinned and held his hand out for her to take, and spun her round on the spot.

"For anything." He replied, and kissed her hand, making her blush even more. "This is a nice bracelet, is that my screwdriver?" He said, as the charm bracelet she was wearing caught his eye.

"Yep, the TARDIS made it for me for my 21st birthday. That's the TARDIS, a star, a rose and a butterfly from Marilipura. It's gorgeous, isn't it?" The Doctor looked at all the different charms with a grin, his heart was bursting with love for the TARDIS, she had taken such good care of Rose while he was gone.

"I can't believe I never noticed it before, it's lovely." The Doctor replied, and Rose giggled at the way he delicately handled all the charms.

"So… Marilipura?" The Doctor immediately sprung to action, pressing buttons and pulling levers in his usual flashy way.

"Hold on tight!" He shouted, and Rose immediately grabbed onto the side of the console. She felt that anticipation she always felt before all of their adventures, and she didn't realise just how much she had missed that excitement until she finally felt it again. She knew the place well, in a sense, but the difference between the simulation room and the real thing was the unpredictableness of it all. Yes, it was a peaceful planet and uncivilised by intelligent life, but she knew there was always a small chance of something happening. It always seemed to happen with them. When they landed, the feeling of excitement was quickly replaced with anxiety, she started to feel slightly nauseous and her hands began to shake. The Doctor took her hand and gave it a squeeze, holding the picnic basket and blanket with his other arm.

"Ready?" He asked, his warm eyes looking into her slightly worried ones, making her feel a little more at ease. She took a shaky breath and nodded her head.

"As I'll ever be." They walked to the door and as Rose was the only one with the free hand, she gave the Doctor a quick glance and opened it. What she saw took her breath away, she dropped the Doctor's hand without realising and slowly walked out. It was somehow even more beautiful than the simulation, the sun was high in the sky which was an even brighter lilac than she had ever seen with not a cloud in sight. They had landed on the hill of a vast field, the purple grass swayed gently in the occasional breeze that swept across, and there was a dazzling blue forest in the distance where the leaves shone in the sun. Rose didn't realise how transfixed she was by the view until she felt a hand slip into hers.

"I take it you like it?" After a few moments of trying to get some words out, Rose replied.

"It's… it's incredible." She said in a shaky voice, as a couple of tears escaped. She looked up at the Doctor, who instantly looked concerned on seeing her expression.

"Are you alright?" Rose smiled and nodded, wiping her tears.

"Yeah, it's just a bit overwhelming, that's all. I can't believe I walked out those doors. I hope I don't cry every time I leave the TARDIS."

"Wouldn't blame you if you did. Shall we sit down?" Rose nodded and they lay the blanket down further across the hill, still on the top so they overlooked the field and forest.

"So, what's in the basket?" Rose asked as she sat down. The Doctor opened the basket, taking out a bottle of red wine.

"Well mademoiselle, to drink we have a bottle of Claret I picked up from Bordeaux a while back in the 18th century, very well preserved I can assure you." He said, and filled two wine glasses, giving one to Rose. "To eat, we have a selection of sandwiches I got from Tescos, not as fancy as the wine but I do love a BLT. We also have sausage rolls, carrot sticks, hummus, crisps, grapes and finally…" he laid out all the food as Rose stared wide eyed and grinned as he took out the last item. "Fairy cakes! Cheers." He held out his glass to Rose which she clinked with hers.

"Cheers. This is wonderful, Doctor, thank-you." They ate, drank and chatted in the sun, Rose felt as though she was dreaming because of how perfect it felt, it was as though they had travelled back to before everything that happened on the spaceship. It felt like the old them. They only had one glass of wine each, deciding that they could finish the rest of the bottle later on as they wanted to be sober to enjoy a walk through the forest. When they had waited for their food to go down, the Doctor took the basket and blanket back into the TARDIS and they set off towards the forest hand in hand.

"So, I've been meaning to ask you about your connection with the TARDIS a bit more." The Doctor piped up as they were walking down the hill.

"Oh? What did you want to know?"

"Were you always able to communicate with her in the way you do, just with your mind?" Rose thought for a moment, she hadn't ever considered her relationship with the TARDIS in that way, she just thought it was normal.

"I dunno when it started, I never really thought about it, it just seemed to happen naturally. I mean, I found it easier to understand her as time went on while you were gone, like with her emotions and things. I could probably have a conversation with her without needing any messages displayed on the screen unless it's a more complicated discussion. Is that not normal?"

"Well… you have a bond with her that I've never seen between her and another human. I mean, how did you make her fly to Earth to drop off Mickey and go to the rift for a refill?"

"I don't think that was me, she just did it on her own, I didn't fly her or anything, I have no idea how I'd do that."

"That's the thing, she can't fly herself, that's not how it works. You can't fly a plane without a pilot, after all. Really think back to when it happened, what did you do or say?" Rose was trying to remember any other details but she couldn't recall anything like that.

"I don't know, I just thought about it, like when Mickey wanted to go home, I thought that I wanted to take him back because it wasn't fair on him, and when she needed refuelling and convinced me there was no other option but to go to the rift I just said that was fine and thought it was for the best that we left." The Doctor stopped in his tracks at this, too stunned to walk any further. So he was right, she could in fact fly the TARDIS simply by thinking about the destination. "Doctor? Is there something wrong with me or something?" Rose tugged on the Doctor's hand, snapping him out of his thoughts. He looked down at her to see her looking at him with worry, so he put his arm around her and carried on walking, he didn't want to panic her.

"No, of course not, don't worry. It's highly unusual but you've had this connection with her for a long time and it hasn't harmed you in any way, so I'm sure whatever has happened is perfectly safe." Rose nodded but only seemed to half listen to him as she was looking ahead, deep in thought, worries going round her head. How could she not have noticed any of this? She was snapped out of it when the Doctor stopped her and turned her to face him, putting his hands on her shoulders. "Rose, trust me with this. I would be doing medical tests on you immediately if I thought you were in any danger. I'd like to do a brain scan at some point so I can understand it better, but that's it, you're perfectly healthy in that sense." Rose laughed bitterly at that last part.

"Yeah, in that sense." She looked at the Doctor and saw nothing but sincerity in his eyes, so she sighed and nodded. "Okay, you're right. I'll only worry if it actually starts to harm me." The Doctor kissed her forehead, took her hand and they started walking again. After about fifteen minutes, they had finally reached the forest and the trees were even more beautiful up close. It was late afternoon at this point, the sun was streaming through the blue leaves making them shimmer, and a group of the usual white butterflies were dancing around each other and the indigo wildflowers. They could also hear birdsong, the Doctor pointed up to the trees to a radiant bird which was about the size of a dove, with shimmering silver feathers, a long forked tail that curled at the ends and three bright blue beady eyes that glimmered in the sun, two either side of the head and one in the middle.

"That's… that's beautiful. The TARDIS never really simulated birds, what's it called?"

"I believe it's called an Angelus Argentum, it translates as silver angel in Latin. One of the rarest birds on this planet, we're lucky to have spotted one."

"Hold on, who actually named it? And the planet? You said it was uncivilised."

"It is, but it will be discovered by humans not long after the discovery of New Earth, which in this planet's time will be in about 6 centuries. The planet itself has enough to sustain smaller life forms but nothing quite like humans or large mammals. It will be used as a tourist destination, however. When it was discovered, a team of scientists explored the planet to identify as many species as possible. Latin is a popular language for naming species, you know how humans love to preserve things, they preserve dead languages by using them to name different species or planets. By this point, Spanish and German were also dead languages so when they named the planet Marilipura, they mixed the Spanish word for butterfly, 'mariposa' with the German and Latin words for purple 'lila' and 'purpura'. Before you ask, English will also be a dead language by that point, I mean you can't expect any of the languages to last millions of years can you? It's always evolving, just like everything else." The Doctor had been talking as he explored the forest, so he only noticed that Rose was leaning against a tree watching him with an amused expression when he had finished talking. "What? What did I say?" Rose laughed and shook her head.

"Nothing, I just missed your clever rambling. Never thought I'd say that." The Doctor grinned and took her hand as they carried on walking.

"I aim to please, Miss Tyler." They strolled through the forest for about an hour, spotting all the different types of wildlife. There were mainly different types of vibrantly coloured birds, none of them much bigger than the Angelus Argentum and all of them with three eyes. There were a few different small insects, but the things that stood out the most were the white butterflies. As the Doctor and Rose got deeper into the forest, more and more of them appeared in bigger groups and it became apparent why the people who named the planet chose butterflies as one of the defining features to include in the name. After a couple of hours of exploring, the sun was setting and Rose and the Doctor had started to walk back, when Rose stopped, winced in pain and put her hand to the side of her head.

"You alright?" The Doctor asked, immediately concerned.

"I've got a banging headache, it wasn't bad at first but it's just been getting worse since we got to the forest. I'll be fine though, I just need some paracetamol."

"Alright, well let's get you back to the TARDIS. In the meantime, have some water, you probably haven't drunk enough." He replied, pulling a water bottle out of his bigger-on-the-inside pockets, giving it to Rose. When they got back to the TARDIS, the sun had almost fully set and the first stars were starting to appear.

"Fancy bringing the picnic blanket back out and finishing off that bottle?" Rose asked when they got to the door and the Doctor raised his eyebrows in response.

"I thought you had a headache! Wine can't be good for that." Rose smiled and shook her head.

"Nope! All better now, I think I was just dehydrated." The Doctor grinned and opened the door, revealing the blanket and picnic basket on the other side.

"I assumed we'd be needing this a second time, so I thought it'd be silly to put these away. Shall we?" They settled down in the same spot as they did earlier in the day and finished the wine between them, snacking on the leftover food and reminiscing about old adventures.

"Hey, I got her to say it didn't I?" Rose said, giggling.

"Yes but I thought she was going to have you beheaded when you tried to get her to say it as we were being hunted down by a werewolf! You should've seen your face, you looked like a little kid getting told off by your mother!" The Doctor replied and they both burst into laughter at the memory of Queen Victoria telling Rose off.

"Oh my god…" Rose instantly stopped laughing and was looking up at the sky in shock, the Doctor snapped his head up expecting to see a fleet of Daleks heading their way, but his face broke out into a smile at what he saw. The sky was full of stars, with no light pollution they lit up the sky, with some brighter different coloured spots that were distant planets. The real stars of the show were the two moons, one of them was slightly bigger than the other and they were both full and bright. Rose shivered partly from the goosebumps the sky gave her but it was also beginning to get cooler.

"Are you cold?" The Doctor asked on seeing her rub her arms slightly.

"A little bit but I'll be fine, this sky is enough of a distraction." The Doctor took his pinstriped jacket off and put it over Rose's shoulders, and she slipped her arms through the sleeves. "Thanks, Doctor. It's probably a relief to see these things covered up I suppose, I know it is for me." She said, gesturing to her arms, and the Doctor frowned, pushed some hair behind her ear and cupped her cheek.

"You never have to hide them from me, Rose. I'm glad you felt you were able to have them out today, you shouldn't feel ashamed of them. They don't make me uncomfortable in the slightest, I promise you. Have you been worried about that?" Rose looked down and nodded, and the Doctor pulled her into a hug. "The last thing I want is for you to feel anxious about what I think about you. I know you might not like it, but try to tell me when you're feeling worried about things like that so I can tell you that there's nothing to worry about, alright?" Rose nodded and pulled away.

"Thanks Doctor." She said, giving his hand a squeeze of appreciation before looking back up to the night sky. The Doctor looked up as well, and they sat in silent wonder at the sight of it all.

"After all these centuries, that never gets old." The Doctor mused, and Rose laid down and put her head in his lap, still looking up at the sky with awe.

"I'm not surprised, I can't remember the last time I saw a sky like this." She replied, and the Doctor looked down at her with a sad smile, placing a hand on her head, stroking her temple with his thumb. "It's okay, Doctor. I forgive you." She said on seeing his expression.

"I don't deserve it." He replied, and Rose shook her head.

"You do, this has been hard on you too." They sat in silence for a while as Rose stared at the sky and the Doctor stared at Rose, stroking her temple. Rose flicked her eyes back to him. "I can't believe I haven't asked you this yet, I guess I've been so distracted by everything else lately but I feel like a shitty person for not even thinking about asking you once." She started, and the Doctor frowned at her, trying to work out what she was going to say.

"What is it, Rose?"

"How are you? I mean, one moment you were just off on another adventure as usual, the next you return to this mess." She said, gesturing to herself, and continued quickly so the Doctor couldn't argue with that part. "I knew it was hard on you but I suppose I was too angry to ask how you were dealing with it all, and I don't want you to think that I don't care because I do, I really do."

"Oh Rose, you really don't need to worry about that. I completely understand why you didn't think to ask that, you've had so much to deal with lately and you keep forgetting that. I'm alright, it was a shock, of course it was, and I can't describe how awful I feel that this happened to you, but I'm just glad that you're safe. Anything could've happened in all that time, I dread to think what would have happened if you didn't have the TARDIS with you." Rose smiled and nodded.

"I wouldn't have lasted long without her, that's for sure. I just don't want you to feel like this is a one way thing of you looking after me. I know things are different now but I don't want them to change completely, because today was so perfect and it reminded me of how we used to be."

"And like you say, we're still like that because we had it today. Things are different, but in only a week you've had the strength and courage to come here today, and that really is amazing, Rose. It might be that I'm helping you a bit more than you help me in the near future, but it was the other way round when we first met, don't forget. It's okay to lean on someone once in a while, and I think you've forgotten that in all these years of being alone." Rose's expression turned sad, and she took the Doctor's free hand in hers.

"When you were gone, I realised just how lonely you must've been when you didn't have anyone to travel with. I know you weren't in the same situation as me but you've dealt with it for longer than I have and you lost everything. You're a good man, Doctor. It breaks my heart to think of you on your own." The Doctor was speechless, he didn't believe he deserved this treatment one bit after what happened to Rose. He wouldn't have blamed her if she was still angry at him but here she was, showing him compassion and staying by his side. Rose's compassion never failed to amaze him, after all the pain she endured she was still worrying about his well being.

"Well, we have each other now, don't we." He eventually said with a warm smile that Rose returned. Rose's eyes began to droop, she had done a lot of walking and the way the Doctor was stroking her temple was so soothing that it was no surprise she was drifting to sleep. The Doctor waited for about 10 minutes, savouring the peaceful moment before carefully taking her head off his lap and picking her up to take her to the TARDIS. He laid her on his bed, took off her shoes and bracelet and pulled the duvet covers over her before planting a kiss on her forehead and going back to retrieve the picnic basket and blanket. When he came back to his room, he smiled when he saw that Rose was still sleeping peacefully, and went to his en suite to get ready for bed, grabbing some pyjamas on his way. He heard whimpers coming from his room when he was getting changed, so he quickly finished up and ran to the bed, climbed in next to her and pulled her close to him.

"It's okay, Rose, I'm here." He said softly as she was calling out for him in her sleep. He felt her stir in his arms so he loosened his grip and looked down to see her looking up at him, still half asleep.

"Doctor? When did we get here?"

"You fell asleep in my lap so I carried you to bed. Go back to sleep, I'll be here all night." Rose snuggled into him and the Doctor tightened his grip on her, rubbing soothing circles on her back. When he was sure she was sleeping peacefully, he let himself drift off. Rose was right, the day had been perfect, but they knew there was still a hell of a way to go.


	10. Chapter 10

**Hi all! Everyone cross your for the Doctor as he faces possibly the most terrifying person he's ever encountered: Jackie Tyler.**

Rose woke with a start, the nightmare she had was a particularly bad one, she was back on that awful spaceship again, and it felt so real. Her head was swimming with the memories, she was still disoriented from having just woken up so when she felt an empty space beside her, she instantly panicked. Where was the Doctor? Did he finally decide to leave her? Did he even come back, or was this all a dream? Why was she in his room and how did she get there? Her head was scrambled and the voice of the Doctor from her dreams began to echo round her head.

 _"How could I possibly love someone like you?"_

 _"You're pathetic."_

 _"I want you out."_

"Doctor! Doctor! Please! Doctor!" She yelled with everything she had in an attempt to drown out the horrible voices which only got louder, tears streaming down her face as her body violently shook with sobs. He was gone, he had left her, or he hadn't even returned and she had finally gone mad and imagined it all. Rose couldn't think straight as she wailed, he fears were confirmed when the Doctor didn't answer, he really was gone. She didn't hear the footsteps running down the corridor or the door slamming open, so she was even more startled when she felt arms wrap around her. Screaming, she jumped out of bed and sprinted out of the room away from what she thought was an intruder and went to hide under her bed in her room, curling up in the fetal position.

"Rose!" The Doctor shouted when she sprang out of his grip and ran away from him, he was initially shocked at Rose's response to him, but snapped out of it when he realised she had probably woken up from a nightmare and wasn't fully with it yet. He started to run to her room but stopped when the TARDIS warned him to calm down, he didn't want to startle Rose a second time. Obeying, he slowly walked through the door and spoke softly and calmly. "Rose, it's me, it's the Doctor. You're safe. Where are you?" After a moment of silence, he heard a whimpering voice.

"Doctor?" Hearing where the voice was coming from, he crouched down and saw Rose curled up in a ball under the bed, shaking like a leaf.

"Hello." He said with a reassuring smile, which she returned weakly. "What are you doing there?" Rose opened her mouth to talk, but shut it when tears began to well up in her eyes and her face crumpled. "Hey, it's alright. Come on, let's get you to bed." He said, holding out his hand for her to take as she shuffled out from underneath the bed and unsteadily got to her feet. The Doctor went to lift her duvet but she tugged the hand she was still holding to get his attention. Swallowing back the tears, she spoke with a croaky voice.

"Can we go to your room?"

"Of course, lets go." They walked hand in hand and got into bed, where they sat up, Rose cuddled into the Doctor's side as he put an arm around her. "I'm sorry I startled you before, are you alright?" Rose shook her head.

"Not your fault. I thought…" she trailed off, hesitant to continue.

"What? You can tell me anything, it's okay." He prompted.

"When I woke up I thought you had left me again because you weren't there, or that I imagined you coming back and I'd gone mad or something. I heard your voice in my head, well the version of you from my nightmares, saying all these awful things. Then when I felt you hug me it didn't register that it'd be you, I thought you were an intruder. I'm such an idiot." She buried her face in her hands in shame, but the Doctor squeezed her tighter.

"Don't you dare call yourself an idiot, you're still recovering, Rose. I will never leave you, and that's a promise. Did you have a nightmare?" Rose nodded.

"Yeah, you left me on the spaceship again." The Doctor's hearts broke for the millionth time since he returned from France, he was seeing more and more every day just how much damage he had done to the woman he loved.

"What did the voices say? The nightmare version of me?" He really he didn't want to know the answer but he knew he had to ask.

"You say… you say I'm naive. That you don't want me living here anymore, that I'm a waste of space. You say I'm a disappointment." Rose put her face in her hands and couldn't hold back the sobs, she didn't tell him the bit about not being able to love her, she didn't want to bring that to attention. The Doctor pulled her onto his lap and rocked her as she cried, holding back the tears threatening to fall.

"None of that is true, Rose. It couldn't be further from the truth. I don't think you understand how lost I'd be without you, and I am so sorry for making you believe I feel this way." Rose shook her head, feeling a bit calmer.

"Not your fault."

"Of course it is, who else's fault could it be?"

"The idiots who built that stupid spaceship," Rose mumbled into his chest and the Doctor chuckled in response.

"Fair point. I am at least partly responsible though, and I want to take that responsibility. I'm also sorry I wasn't there when you woke up, I had just gone for a cup of tea, but if that ever happens again I'll write a note to let you know, and no, it's not too much trouble. You're never too much trouble." He added before she could interject. "We're in this together, Rose." Rose nodded and cuddled closer to him. "Are you tired?" Rose shook her head, and looked down at what she was wearing.

"I've just realised I'm still in my dress, I'm just gonna change in to my jammies." Rose got up to leave, but heard a drawer open in the bedside cabinet and saw her pyjamas there, folded. Smiling and mentally thanking the TARDIS, she grabbed them and went to the ensuite to get changed and clean her face of the make up that hadn't been taken off earlier that night. The Doctor let out a heavy sigh when the ensuite door clicked shut, he had been more relaxed about leaving Rose on her own because the day had gone so well, he forgot she still had a lot of fears of being abandoned that needed working through. He didn't have much time to dwell on his guilt when Rose returned and sat up in bed next to him leaning her head on his shoulder. She took in a breath as if to say something, but then stopped herself.

"What is it?" The Doctor asked. She twiddled her thumbs nervously, but began to speak.

"Do you think I'll ever be normal again?" The Doctor instantly pulled her close and shuffled them so they were lying down, his arms encircling her as she lay her head on his chest.

"I really believe that there's no such thing as normal. I believe you will get better and happier, but you aren't abnormal in any way." Rose heaved a sigh.

"Why do you still like me? I'm not me anymore. I'm emotional and nervous and irrational, I acted like a little kid back there."

"No, you acted like someone who has been through a really horrible experience, which you have. You were scared, everyone gets scared, and you are still you, you're just going through something incredibly difficult. I'd be a terrible companion if I left as soon as things started to get tough." Rose smiled slightly at this, but still looked worried.

"I just don't want you to get angry at me for being difficult." The Doctor was taken slightly aback by this.

"Angry? When have I ever got angry at you for… oh." His eyes widened in realisation. "Is this about when you hurt yourself?" Rose nodded, hiding her face in his chest, so the Doctor sat up, forcing her to do the same and look at him, and took her hands in his. "I am truly sorry for how I reacted but I can assure you it was only because I was scared, I didn't know how to help you and I didn't want you to do anything worse to yourself. I promise you I wasn't angry at you, not in the slightest. Don't let that hold you back from being honest about how you feel, you don't need to sugar coat anything with me, alright?" Rose smiled and nodded, and the Doctor pulled her in for a hug, pressing his lips to the top of her head. They resumed their previous position, and Rose's eyes began to droop.

"Think it's all caught up with me now." The Doctor smiled and nodded, pleased she was feeling more relaxed.

"Okay, get some sleep, I'll be right here the whole time."

"Goodnight Doctor."

"Goodnight, Rose. Sweet dreams." He replied, and began to hum a beautiful Gallifreyan lullaby as she dozed off, a small smile on her face.

The rest of the week went by without much excitement, Rose had agreed to go to Marilipura because she knew what to expect and it was a comforting place on the TARDIS for her, but she needed time before she went to unfamiliar places or places that had more life. They did visit Woman Wept one day, and they went to Marilipura a second time, but other than that they spent a lot of their time reading together, watching films or TV shows and doing work on the TARDIS. The Doctor knew not to push Rose too much, he was already impressed with how well she dealt with travelling for the first time in a long time, and she was already eating better so he was pleased with the progress they were making. Nighttime proved to be the worst, Rose would regularly wake up in a bad state and the Doctor would have to soothe her back to sleep, but he had become used to this and she had started to calm down quicker than she did at the beginning of the week. The Doctor also noticed that she often needed a lot of reassurance with certain things, such as if he was gone for awhile he noticed the small sigh of relief she let out when he came back into the room. He didn't bring it up, he didn't want her to feel uncomfortable about it, so he decided to casually let her know how long he'd be whenever he left so she wouldn't worry as much.

The date was the 28th November, and Rose and the Doctor were reading in the library after lunch. Deciding now was as good a time as any to ask, the Doctor put down his book.

"Have you thought any more about going home to visit your mum? There's no pressure, it's just I'm sure you miss her and like I said I can park right in your flat, there'd be no need for you to leave." Rose put down her book and thought about it for a few moments.

"I want to, I really do…" Rose trailed off and bit her lip.

"But?" The Doctor prompted.

"I mean, what the hell is she gonna say when her daughter returns having aged 5 and a half years, thin as a stick with cuts littering her arms? I just don't know how I'm gonna explain it all to her. How aren't you worried about it?"

"Worried? I'm terrified of your mother as it is, I dread to imagine the slap I'm going to get when we explain everything. But, Rose, she's your mother, and I know how close you are. I'll be there with you the whole time and if you find it hard to explain certain things, I'll explain it to her for you, if you need me to." Rose nodded and took a deep breath.

"Yeah, and you're right, I do really miss her a lot. I'll wear long sleeves though, I don't think I want to have to explain all that to her if I'm honest."

"Fair enough. Will you be ready to go today?"

"Yeah, I'll just go and get a jumper, I want to do this before I overthink it. And don't park in the flat, park outside the flat in our usual spot, it'll help me ease into going on civilised planets." Rose replied, promptly going to her room to get ready. The Doctor went to the console room to punch in the co-ordinates, trying not to panic too much himself. He felt as though Rose hadn't been angry enough at him for what happened but he had no doubt that Jackie would make up for that, and he wouldn't blame her one bit. Rose returned wearing a jumper and jeans, she had also put some makeup on in an attempt to cover up just how much she had changed, although there was nothing she could do about how slim she looked. She did look healthier than she had done two weeks ago which the Doctor was grateful for.

"Right then! I've set coordinates for 1st June 2006, I believe the TARDIS dropped Mickey back during late May between the 27th and 30th, I couldn't get an exact reading seeing as you did it with your mind. I didn't think you'd want them worrying for too long, so does that sound okay?" Rose smiled up at him, trying to mask the worry.

"Yeah, that sounds great."

"Off we go then, hold on tight!" The Doctor pulled a lever and they were off, after a few seconds of thrashing about they landed. The room was silent for a few seconds, and the Doctor turned to see Rose trying to take deep slow breaths. He took her hand and gave it a squeeze, and she looked up at him with fear in her eyes. "It's gonna be okay, I promise." He said with sincerity, and she took a final deep breath and nodded, a look of determination in her eyes.

"Let's go." They walked to the door, paused once more for Rose to regain composure and stepped out to see the Powell Estate looking just as it always has. It was evening and apart from a couple of people walking past there wasn't much going on, which Rose was relieved about. Gripping the Doctor's hand tighter, they walked to her block of flats and knocked on the door when they reached Jackie's flat. After a few moments, Jackie answered the door, a huge smile on her face which dropped as soon as she properly looked at Rose. She didn't have much time to register her daughter's appearance because Rose almost instantly threw her arms around her neck and held her tight.

"Oh my god, mum, I missed you so much, I can't believe you're here!" She wept into Jackie's shoulder, instantly feeling the familiar comfort she always got from her mum's hugs.

"Rose! What happened?! Mickey told me you were trapped on this spaceship and I didn't know what to think, let me look at you." She pulled away and cupped Rose's face with both hands, taking in how different she looked. "Oh Rose you don't look healthy, sweetheart. What the hell did you do to her?!" Jackie turned to the Doctor, fire in her eyes, Rose instantly calmed down at this, jumping to his rescue.

"Mum I'm okay, I'm fine, it's not his fault but it's a long story, can we come in?" Jackie glared at the Doctor for a second longer, letting him know he wasn't off the hook yet before turning back to Rose.

"Of course, love, this is your home too. Come on, I'll make you both a cup of tea." She let Rose past and stepped in front of the Doctor, blocking his path as Rose went to the living room. "You'd better hope this isn't your fault, Doctor." She said sternly, and turned to go and put the kettle on. The Doctor gulped and went to the living room to sit next to Rose on the sofa, who instantly grabbed his hand which reminded him that whilst this will be hard on him, it was going to be far more difficult for Rose. He gave her hand a squeeze and a small smile of reassurance, which she returned nervously, and Jackie came in with two mugs of tea which she gave to them both, ignoring the Doctor and smiling warmly at Rose. She went to get her own mug and sat down on the chair across from them. "Alright then, tell me what happened." She said, trying to keep the worry out of her voice.

"Actually… is Mickey about? I'm sure he'd be worried, he'll want to know what happened as well." Jackie sighed and nodded.

"Yeah you're right, he was beside himself when he came to see me. I'll give him a call and while we wait for him you can tell me what happened before he was dropped back here." Rose nodded, and released a breath she didn't realise she had been holding when Jackie went to phone Mickey.

"Are you alright?" The Doctor asked quietly.

"Yeah, it's just weird being back, it's all happening so fast."

"If you need a break from talking or some time to collect your thoughts just say, we're doing this at your pace, alright?" Rose nodded and smiled up at the Doctor.

"Yeah, thanks, Doctor." Jackie came back and sat down.

"Right, Mickey will be here in about ten minutes so how about you tell me what started this all." The Doctor squeezed Rose's hand again, and she began to talk. She told her everything about when they landed on the ship from the 51st century but there was no crew, and that there were gateways to 18th century France on the ship, following the life of Madame de Pompadour. She told her how Reinette was in trouble because the robots from the spaceship wanted her brain in order to fix the ship, and it was their job to save her.

"There was no way to get to her other than through that mirror, and if we smashed it, we'd destroy it, so there'd be no way back. We were running out of time, Reinette was about to die right in front of us, so…"

"What? What happened?" Jackie asked, her eyes fixed on the Doctor.

"I rode a horse through the mirror, cutting off connection to the spaceship, giving the robots no choice but to give up and shut down." The Doctor replied, knowing Jackie wanted him to admit his mistake rather than have Rose say it for him.

"And how did you plan on getting back to Rose?" The Doctor said nothing, everyone in the room already knew the answer. "You abandoned her? You left her on a spaceship on the 51st century with no way home?!"

"I promise I was going to find a way back to her, I just thought I'd have to wait centuries for that to happen, but I wasn't planning on letting her wait as long as me."

"Well that didn't happen, did it? She's clearly older and she's so skinny, so what happened?"

"Mum, I'm right here." Rose interjected, and Jackie's eyes softened.

"I know, sweetheart, I'm sorry, I'm just worried about you. You look so different and he looks just the same, I don't understand how that happened." Rose took a deep breath.

"Well, Mickey and I waited for about a week and there was no sign of him. We had a bit of an argument, Mickey wanted to go back home and I wanted to wait for the Doctor, and I pointed out that we wouldn't be able to go home even if we wanted to. Turns out we could, I'm not sure how but I have a sort of… connection with the TARDIS, so I can actually fly her with my mind. It's hard to explain how, so I won't go into it but it isn't harmful or anything. Long story short, I told the TARDIS to take Mickey home and I stayed on the spaceship, locking the doors on Mickey so he couldn't come out to get me. Five seconds later, the TARDIS reappeared and we were alone. I suppose that's where I should stop until Mickey gets here." Jackie didn't respond for a few moments, and the Doctor and Rose didn't move a muscle until she spoke as they had no idea what she could be thinking.

"I suppose I should hear the whole story first, but I hope you have a bloody good explanation, Doctor." The Doctor gulped again, but it was at that point where the bell rang, and Jackie went to let Mickey in.

"Rose? Rose!" Mickey rushed straight to the living room, the Doctor and Rose stood up and Mickey went up to her to take in her appearance. "Oh my god… what the hell happened, Rose? How long were you on that ship?" He turned to the Doctor, looking angrier than either of them had ever seen. "What the fuck did you do to her, Doctor?! You'd better explain yourself right now!" He squared up to the Doctor, who decided the best thing to do would be to remain still and silent, and prodded him hard in the chest, but Rose immediately slid in between them forcing Mickey to look at her.

"Mickey we'll explain everything, just please sit down, alright?" Mickey shot the Doctor another glare then nodded and sat in a chair opposite them, the rest of them resuming their previous positions. "Right, so, Mickey had just left and I stayed on the TARDIS, I didn't want to leave her on her own in case the Doctor didn't come back and I didn't want the Doctor to come back and worry where both of us had gone. So I stayed. It wasn't like I had nothing to do, the TARDIS made a room where she simulated different places like fields and stuff so I could get some exercise, and I spent a lot of my time reading on the spaceship. I kind of got into a routine I suppose, it wasn't all bad." The Doctor felt awful, he knew she was sugar coating it for his sake so Jackie wouldn't rip his head off with her bare hands, and he knew Jackie wasn't buying it. "The Doctor came back eventually, he managed to restart one of the portals in France and get back to me, but the connection was a bit faulty as the ship wasn't working properly anyway so while he had only been in France for a couple of hours, I had been on the ship for… well, a bit longer than that." Rose bowed her head and the Doctor took her hand, ignoring the glares that were being shot his way, he needed to remind her in some way that she could take a break if she needed it.

"How long?" Jackie asked, breaking the silence. Rose looked to the Doctor, tears welling in her eyes, and he nodded, knowing she couldn't say it herself.

"Five and a half years." He replied, and Jackie let out a sob while Mickey was gripping onto his chair, looking completely livid. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, if I knew this was going to happen I promise I wouldn't have gone through that mirror."

"But you didn't know what was going to happen, did you, Doctor? You said you'd wait centuries until you were able to find a way back to Rose but how do you know in all that time you wouldn't forget about her?!" Jackie shouted, tears falling freely down her face.

"I wouldn't have for-"

"You left her all on her own for five and a half years! My daughter lost five and a half years of her life just waiting for you because she trusted you, she trusted you to come back to her!"

"You should've seen her, Jackie, she says it wasn't that bad but I heard her crying in her room every night you were gone, Doctor, and that was only the first week! God knows what she was like after five and a half fucking years!" Mickey added, unable to contain his anger for any longer. The Doctor didn't say anything, he didn't feel as though he deserved to defend himself and he agreed with everything they were saying, if anything he was glad this was happening, Rose didn't do it enough. Jackie continued shouting at him, she was furious beyond belief.

"I trusted you as well, Doctor. You gave me your word, you told me you'd keep her safe and now look at her! I dread to think how this has affected her mentally, if it were up to me she'd never go anywhere near you or that stupid time machine again, but I can tell just by looking at you two that's not gonna happen!" Rose and the Doctor looked at each other briefly, guilt etched into their features. "She waited for you to come back to her, she left everything else behind for you. I hope you're not taking that lightly, Doctor."

"I'm not, I promi-" The Doctor replied, but Mickey was the one to interrupt him this time.

"What if the connection was even worse, and you were gone 50 years or even longer? You could've come back to a dead body all because you've brainwashed her into believing that you'll never leave her, that you'll always come back!" He yelled, fire in his eyes.

"And he did!" Rose shouted, causing them all to stop and look at Rose, who was shaking, tears running down her face. They were so busy shouting at the Doctor they didn't realise just how worked up she was getting. "He did come back! And I know he was late and trust me I've given him hell for it, he knows what he did, he knows what he should have done. He feels guilty enough as it is and we've been working through it and I didn't just welcome him back with open arms because I'm not a child and I won't have you talking about me like I am one!" The room was silent other than Rose panting, she swiftly got up and went to her room. "I just need a minute." She said quickly, and the Doctor got up to follow but Jackie stood up straight after.

"Don't." She said with a cold voice, and the Doctor had no choice but to nod and sit back down while she went to check on Rose.

Rose was sitting in her bed cuddling a pillow, taking in the familiar scent of home. Her room was always just as she left it whenever she came back to visit, something she always appreciated. She had missed it a lot, she loved travelling with the Doctor and considered the TARDIS her true home, but she'd never forget her roots, there was always something comforting about returning to her mum. She was snapped out of her thoughts when she heard a soft knock on the door.

"Come in." She replied, and Jackie walked in, looking apologetic. Rose smiled sadly at her, and Jackie sat next to her, putting her arm around her.

"I'm sorry for getting riled up before, sweetheart. I was just so bloody furious at him for what happened to you, I can't bear the thought of you all on your own for such a long time."

"I know, mum, it's fair enough, I don't blame you for getting angry. It was just all a bit much, I didn't like how everyone was talking about me like I wasn't in the room and all the shouting was overwhelming. I know it seems like I was on my own, but the TARDIS is alive, mum, she looked after me, she kept me sane."

"But five and a half years, Rose. How did you stay there for five and a half years? Did you not want to visit me at least once?"

"Of course I did, mum, but I was worried the TARDIS would leave me behind because that's what the Doctor would want me to do. There was no way she could've really done that without a pilot but I just couldn't be sure, and what if something happened to me and I never returned to the Doctor? He'd be the one left alone on that ship then, I couldn't let that happen." Jackie nodded and stroked up and down her arm, trying to hold back tears.

"He would've managed, Rose, you know that, he always finds a way out. If something had happened to you on that ship… I could've lost you as well, and the thought of that kills me. I know it's your life, but every time you go off in that time machine I'm terrified I'll never see you again. Just promise me you'll really think about whether the adventures are worth the risks, Rose. That's all I ask." Rose sighed and nodded, it wasn't exactly an unreasonable request and if she was honest she had expected a worse reaction. She knew she'd never leave the Doctor, but her mum raised her pretty much single handedly, so she had to respect her wishes.

"Okay, mum, I will, I promise."

After Jackie had left to go and see Rose, the Doctor decided to try and speak to Mickey in a more calm manner.

"Mickey, I'm truly sorry for what happened. I'd protect Rose with my life, I wouldn't have done that if I knew what was going to happen." Mickey shook his head, trying to keep his cool.

"Nah, Doctor. I'm not accepting that. If you really cared about Rose, you'd leave her here where she belongs and you'd stay far away from her. I knew your life was dangerous but this has really put it in perspective, this is a slap in the face from reality. She deserves better."

"I know she does, I know. But I could never force her to leave, the TARDIS is her home and she knows that."

"So tell her it isn't, tell her you don't want her there anymore! You and I both know she'd never leave unless she believed you didn't want her, she waited five and a half years for you, do you really think she'd just decide to leave on her own? If you really wanna make this up to her, you'll give her the chance to a safe, normal life."

"I'll think about it, Mickey. I just need to know she's mentally healthy before doing anything like that, I can't leave her behind in this state." Mickey took a moment to think about that, his face unreadable, but eventually gave a small nod.

"Okay, fine." Mickey sat back and looked away, and there was an awkward silence before the Doctor spoke again.

"I abandoned you as well, on your first trip with us no less. I'm sorry, Mickey. I couldn't just let her die, I didn't know what other choice I had, but I shouldn't have chosen so hastily."

"I was there, I know it was a hard choice to make. I don't know if I'd have done the same, though." The Doctor raised his eyebrows and nodded, he expected another harsh response but this was fairly mellow. Deciding not to push it, however, he didn't say anything else and they resumed their uncomfortable silence until Jackie returned.

"Rose is going to sleep, so why don't you come back tomorrow, Mickey, I'm sure you have more questions like me." Mickey agreed and said goodbye to Jackie, ignoring the Doctor on his way out. "Right. You. Sit." Jackie commanded, turning her attention on the Doctor, who hastily obeyed, and she sat across from him. "This woman you saved, was there anything romantic between you?" The Doctor looked away guiltily.

"She kissed me. But that was it, I found her attractive but I had no intention of pursuing her in any way, I just wanted to save her life. Then… I promised her a trip, just one trip, to any star she wanted to visit. I returned to Rose first, and she told me I had only been gone a few days, so I went back to get Reinette. The connection was clearly faulty on that side because she had died by the time I got there."

"Had any more time passed when you got back to Rose?"

"No, no more than a couple of hours."

"So not only did you abandon Rose for five and a half years, you left her a second time to pick up a beautiful woman who had kissed you? What the hell were you thinking?" Jackie's voice was getting louder but she was taking care not to raise it too much so Rose wouldn't hear.

"I don't know, Jackie, I wasn't thinking. I'm so sorry. If I knew how long I was gone I never would have gone back to Reinette." Jackie rolled her eyes.

"You keep saying things like that, Doctor. You keep saying 'if you had known this and that' it would have been different, but that's not a good enough excuse for me. You should've been thinking about her as well. You promised me you'd take care of her." The Doctor nodded and put his head in his hands.

"I'm sorry, Jackie. I've been so stupid, I'm so sorry." He said, and broke down into sobs, he couldn't contain them any longer. Jackie was taken aback by this, she had never seen the Doctor so remorseful or upset in her life. The man who had scared away a whole fleet of Sycorax last Christmas was now breaking down into tears on her sofa, over her daughter. Sighing, she went to sit next to him and put her arm around him, rubbing his back. "I'm sorry, Jackie. I've just had to be strong for her, lately, she's had such an awful time and she was sugar coating it for my sake in front of you and Mickey before. I'm relieved this is happening, Rose was angry at me for a bit and she barely spoke to me other than one time when she shouted at me, but after a week she had pretty much forgiven me. You know what she's like, so bloody kind and compassionate and always seeing the good in people, but I didn't deserve any of it, I don't deserve her forgiveness."

"Well I can't say I'm not glad you're feeling guilty about this. I know you love her, Doctor, and I know she loves you. Neither of you say it but it's always been obvious to anyone who knows you two. It's because of that that I know she'll never leave you despite how much I beg her, and I doubt you'll ever leave her despite how much I want to beg you. But this can't happen again, Rose doesn't have to tell me anything for me to realise how much she's changed, and I'm sure you see it too. She's been damaged by this, and that kills me. She's my only daughter, she's all I have." Jackie's voice cracked and the Doctor sat up, taking her hand in his.

"I'll fix this, Jackie, I promise. In only two weeks she's improved so much, she was terrified to leave the TARDIS and after going to two uninhabited planets to ease her in, she was ready to come here. I never expected that to happen so quickly so I truly believe she'll get through this. I will protect her with my life, I will never abandon her, you have my word." Jackie sniffed and nodded.

"Actions speak louder than words, Doctor, so I'm gonna have to see that to believe it before I really trust you with her. I want more regular updates on how she's doing when you leave and I'll ask her to do that for me as well, but I want you to remind her. You have no idea how hard it is sat here in the flat completely powerless not knowing where she is or if she's safe. I missed so much, Doctor. I missed her 21st birthday, I was gonna take her out for cocktails and a nice dinner. I was saving up for it. I know it sounds silly but these things really matter to us here on Earth, these milestones." Tears were rolling down Jackie's cheeks as she tried to hold it together, and the Doctor put his arm around her, whispering how sorry he was over and over. His hearts broke for Jackie, he knew the pains of parenthood and he often forgot how lonely she must get without Rose. He made a mental note to visit her more often, especially after this. They were snapped out of it when they heard Rose calling out in her sleep, and they both immediately stood up, ready to go to her.

"Jackie, I wouldn't ask you this if I didn't think it was necessary, but for the past week I've been calming her down after nightmares and she gets incredibly anxious if she wakes up and I'm not there. Can I please go to her?" He asked before Jackie could get a word in, and she didn't look happy but she gave in and nodded, knowing that it was for Rose's sake rather than the Doctor's. The Doctor swiftly went to Rose's room and sat on the side of her bed, gently shaking her awake. "Rose? Rose, wake up now, it's only a nightmare, you're safe." Rose whimpered for a few seconds more but eventually opened her eyes.

"Doctor?" She said, a few tears escaping, which the Doctor wiped away.

"I'm here, it's alright, it was just a bad dream. Do you want to talk about it or are you tired?" Rose shook her head.

"I'm tired." The Doctor nodded and kissed her forehead.

"Alright, I'll be just in the next room if you need me, okay? I won't leave." Rose instantly panicked.

"What? Why? No, please stay." Rose gripped his hand, her eyes wide with fear.

"Hey, hey, it's okay, don't worry, I'll stay, of course I'll stay." The Doctor replied, he knew Jackie wouldn't be pleased but Rose needed him, and that was more important. Taking off his shoes, socks and jacket, he climbed into bed next to her and she instantly cuddled close to him as he held her tight. He heard her give a small groan, and pulled back slightly. "What's wrong?" Rose tugged him close to her again and mumbled into his chest.

"Just a bit of a headache, I'll sleep it off" the Doctor moved one of his arms so that it went over her head, and started massaging her temple with his thumb, causing her to relax in his arms.

"Better?" Rose nodded.

"Thanks, Doctor. Goodnight"

"Goodnight, Rose." He replied, still massaging her temple as she drifted off to sleep. Neither of them had noticed that the door had been left ajar, and Jackie was on the other side watching. Sighing, she walked away, knowing there was no way Rose was going to seriously think about her request of leaving him. She wasn't as disappointed as she expected herself to be, however, as she was starting to believe that the Doctor was true to his word. She had never seen him being so affectionate with Rose before, they had always held back. Now there was no doubt in her mind that they loved each other, and they'd stop at nothing to be together.


	11. Chapter 11

**Hey everyone! I've got big plans for how to continue this so I'm writing like a machine at the moment, thank-you for your continued support of this fic, it means the world to me!**

 **Trigger Warning for graphic self harm and mentions of PTSD.**

Rose woke the next morning still wrapped in the Doctor's arms, and began to wriggle out of his embrace but he held her tighter in response, still fast asleep. Chuckling, Rose prodded his side in an attempt to wake him up.

"Doctor, wake up, you should probably move before my mum catches you." The Doctor hummed in response, half asleep.

"Five more minutes." He drawled out, making Rose giggle again and the Doctor smiled and kissed the top of her head, deciding that waking up to Rose's laugh was possibly the best way a person could wake up. After a couple of minutes, Rose spoke up again.

"I think I want to go out today." The Doctor opened his eyes and raised his eyebrows at this.

"Are you sure? You don't have to rush into it if you don't want to."

"I'm sure, I don't wanna go to the city centre or anything but maybe just a walk round the streets and we could go to the chippy? Can't remember the last time I had proper chips."

"That sounds lovely, shall we do that for lunch then?" Rose nodded and snuggled closer to the Doctor.

"Yeah, sounds perfect." The Doctor drew circles on Rose's back with his finger as they lay in comfortable silence. "Five more minutes?" Rose asked after a while, and the Doctor was the one to chuckle this time.

"If your mother catches me she'll have my guts for garters." Rose sat up and checked the clock on her bedside table.

"6:30?! God, I thought it was later than that, I suppose I had an early night. She won't be up for another hour so we've got ages." Rose said as she settled back in the Doctor's embrace. "I could lie here forever, I'm so cosy. I suppose we never really do lie ins, do we?" The Doctor smiled and rubbed her back.

"No but I think we'll have to have them more often." Rose smiled but a sharp pain in her head made her wince and screw her eyes shut. "Another headache?" The Doctor asked, instantly rubbing her temple with his thumb again, looking concerned.

"Yeah, I don't know why I keep getting them, it's like a dull pain at first but it just gets worse. God it's like a bloody migraine right now." She replied, her eyes still screwed shut. The Doctor thought for a moment, weighing up the possible reasons in his head. He had an idea, he didn't like it and he knew Rose wouldn't, but it seemed the most likely.

"Well, and try not to take this the wrong way, migraines can be a symptom of post traumatic stress disorder. Now I know you've been doing so well recently, and the fact that you are feeling ready to go out today is no small feat." He continued quickly so Rose couldn't interrupt. "But you have really been affected by this, you have nightmares every night, when I'm away you think I've left you again and then there's the self harm. It's not your fault, Rose but it might be a good idea to explore different options of how you can get help for it." Rose frowned at that last part.

"What do you mean, like therapy? Or medication?"

"Those are definitely two good options, I think it might be a bit early to try medication because it is still very recent and we don't really know much about how it's affected you longer term, which is why therapy is a good way to see where you're at and try out some coping techniques. I can come with you or you can go alone, it's entirely up to you. It's probably best to try it out in a different time period and place when time travel is a bit more common, you might end up sectioned if you go to a gp today and tell them your alien companion abandoned you on a spaceship for five and a half years." Rose laughed and shook her head.

"Oh god, I dread to think. I don't know, it seems a bit silly to me really. I mean it's not like I've been in a war or something, could you really class it as a trauma?"

"PTSD is associated with soldiers the most but it can develop from any kind of trauma. I think you underestimate what you've been through, Rose, and I do too because you've generally been alright recently in the daytime, but you had no human interaction for five and a half years. Not one conversation, no hugs or handshakes or kisses, not even a brush past your shoulder. That's a lot to deal with, and returning to everyday life after all that is going to be difficult and it's going to take time. I expect that's why you get migraines when we're out of the TARDIS as it's a less familiar environment for you now, so the stress and fear of that has probably subconsciously been expressed through migraines. You've been coping well but you can't have processed everything in one night when you opened up to me about it. What's more, it will be good for you to talk to someone about this who isn't me and who doesn't know you so you won't worry about being judged. I've told you that I would never judge you but I know a part of you doesn't believe me." Rose took a moment to think about this, she wasn't entirely convinced but she could at least consider it.

"I'm not sure, I mean I get where you're coming from, it's just a lot to take in right now. Let's worry about that when we've finished our trip here, though, I want to focus on this for now." The Doctor was partly relieved, he'd be lying if he said the thought of this hadn't crossed his mind sooner, he was just waiting for a good time to bring it up and he was glad Rose didn't take it the wrong way. He wasn't going to push her on this but he decided that dropping the odd reminder every now and then couldn't hurt.

"Of course, like I said, we're doing this at your pace."

"I know, thanks Doctor." The Doctor smiled and kissed her forehead.

"How's your headache?"

"Still there, but not as painful. Your massages do wonders for them."

"Good, well don't hesitate to ask for one when you need it." Rose smiled and closed her eyes.

"Okay." They lay there for a few minutes, basking in each other's company and savouring the hour and a half of peace they had before they would face the day. Rose was fighting the urge to sleep that came back, occasionally stifling yawns, but the Doctor noticed and held her tighter.

"Go to sleep, Rose. You need to be well rested for today, I'll wake you up when it's quarter past seven if you like. I'm sure your mum noticed that I didn't come out of your room last night, however, so I'm not sure if there's much use in sneaking about." This seemed to wake Rose up a bit.

"Oh yeah, how the hell did you get her to let you come in here?"

"I just explained that you seem to panic when you wake up and I'm not there and I know how to calm you down now, so I asked if I could look after you while you were having a nightmare." Rose raised her eyebrows and looked up at him.

"Wow, I wouldn't have expected her to be okay with that. Did you talk last night then?" The Doctor nodded. "Oh god, how bad was it?"

"Not that bad actually, all things considered. I told her about what happened with Reinette, though, I wouldn't feel right lying about it. She really wasn't happy at me for going back. I've got to be honest though, I was glad to be shouted at, you've forgiven me far too quickly." Rose frowned at this.

"I know what happened was really bad, Doctor, but I also know you would never have done that on purpose. I just don't see the point in holding a grudge, I lost five and a half years of my life so I'm not keen on the idea of losing more of it by sulking in my room all day. I've realised how short my life is, it's not something I ever really took seriously when we first met because I was so young, but I've had a lot of time to think about it all. Realistically I've got at the most about 65 years left, but probably less, and it's likely that I won't be able to travel for about 30 of them depending on how long I stay fit. That's not long, especially compared to your life. I need to make the most of this, Doctor. Doctor?" Rose added after he stayed silent for a while, and looked up to see tears forming in his eyes. "Oh… I'm sorry. Doctor, look at me." The Doctor swallowed and looked at her, a couple of tears falling. "We still have time, I'm just saying I don't want to waste it. I want to spend it travelling with you." Rose declared, resting her head back on the Doctor's chest.

"Rose…" The Doctor was lost for words. "What did I do to deserve you?" Rose snorted.

"Are you kidding me? I ask myself the same thing about you everyday. Looks like we're both as insecure as each other." The Doctor chuckled and kissed the top of her head.

"Tell me something I don't know. You're really prepared to spend your life with me, aren't you?"

"Of course I am, I made that decision a long time ago. I know I told you all the different reasons for waiting on that spaceship, but I waited for you. That was what kept me going." Rose looked up at the Doctor when he didn't reply and saw that same look he gave her the night they got back from the party in the 20s. After a few seconds of inner debate, she pulled herself up so her face was level with his, slowly and shakily she put her hand to his cheek and caressed it slightly, her eyes quickly flicking down to his lips. She was completely lost in the moment, all coherent thought had left her apart from the certainty that this was what needed to happen right now. The Doctor followed her actions with his eyes and without warning he grabbed her, his hand cradling the back of her head as her hand moved to his back, and kissed her hungrily.

The kiss was far more urgent and desperate than their kiss shared after the party, the pain of recent events being poured in, mixed with the lust and passionate love they've been sharing for each other for so long without having been able to express it. It was mind blowing, it was intense, it was everything they had been waiting for. The Doctor grabbed Rose's waist to pull her closer as she grabbed his hair in her fists, tongues began to explore mouths as the kiss deepened and the anticipation for what was going to happen next was building. It was perfect, until the Doctor pulled away abruptly. Rose's face contorted in worry, she was suddenly wondering if she had overstepped.

"What's wrong?" She asked, not bothering to cover up the worry in her voice. The Doctor looked down and held her hand.

"Look, it's not that I don't want to, and it's not that I haven't thought about it before now because believe me I have. I just don't want to rush into anything while the wounds of the past are still fresh." Rose sobered up and nodded, feeling incredibly humiliated.

"Right, yeah, of course. I'm gonna go get a shower, no point in staying in bed all morning when I'm not gonna go back to sleep." Rose muttered as she hastily got out of bed and left the room, shutting the door behind her. The Doctor half sat up to ask her to stay and talk to him, but she moved so quickly he didn't have the chance to get a word in. He flopped back and groaned in frustration, what he wanted and meant to say was that he wanted to do this the right way, when they were both happy. He wanted to take her on a date somewhere spectacular, he didn't want to keep having spontaneous kisses, though they were amazing, he wanted to have anticipated kisses. Sighing, he got out of bed and checked the time to see that it was 7am, so wrote a note to Rose saying he was going for a shower on the TARDIS and he'd be right back.

Meanwhile, Rose was taking a long shower in the hope that the Doctor wouldn't be there when she returned to her room. For a moment she was in heaven, she was exactly where she wanted to be, and then she was being rejected by the man she loves. She felt incredibly embarrassed about what just happened, they shared their first kiss since the Doctor came back, he didn't even want it and she was questioning if he even enjoyed it. After all, if you're enjoying a kiss you wouldn't usually pull away. She made the unwise decision to analyse the conversation they had in bed, and she came to the conclusion that he was sick of looking after her so he's pushing her to get a therapist and sort her head out so he can leave her on Earth without feeling guilty, he was surprised that she wants to spend her life with him and didn't say he wanted her to spend her life with him back and then to top it all off he pulled away from the kiss. Rose felt like an idiot for not noticing those first two things but when she did, it all made sense in her head. Her fears were true, he was just a good liar. When she finished in the shower and came back to her room wrapped in a dressing gown, she saw a note left on her pillow.

Rose,

Just gone to the TARDIS for a shower, I'll be back soon.

The Doctor x

Rose sighed, and decided to try not to think about it too much anymore, she had bigger fish to fry with regards to her mum and Mickey. Rose groaned when she remembered Mickey, it was an unspoken thing that they weren't really together romantically anymore, but she owed him more of an explanation for everything. She felt incredibly guilty for dropping him on Earth without any explanation, even though he didn't wait that long for her to come back she knew how worried he must have been. When she had finished getting ready, she went to the kitchen where her mum was making a cup of tea.

"Morning, love. Would you like a cuppa?" Rose smiled and nodded.

"Yeah, thanks mum." Rose felt a sudden wave of emotion, she hadn't had a cup of tea just her and her mum in years, and with everything that had just happened she couldn't fight back the tears. Jackie had just put the kettle on and when she turned round, Rose immediately went to hug her, and Jackie held her tight, rubbing her back.

"Oh, sweetheart, what's wrong?" Rose took some deep breaths to try to stop the sobs.

"I missed you so much, mum, I'm so sorry I didn't visit you in all that time. I probably should have but I just couldn't leave him, I'm a terrible daughter."

"Shush now darling, that's not true." Jackie pulled back and tucked some hair behind her ear, wiping away her tears like she always did when Rose was upset. "You love him. I barely slept last night thinking about it all and, well, I realised that if I were in your situation waiting for Pete, I'd have done the same. It breaks my heart to think of everything I missed, but you're here now, that's what matters." Rose gave a watery smile and looked down, tears still falling. "There's something else, isn't there?" Jackie said, concerned that she didn't seem to be feeling better, and Rose nodded. "Right, I'm gonna make you a nice cup of tea and you have a seat in the living room so we can properly talk."

"Thanks, mum." Rose replied and sat down in the living room, Jackie following soon after with two mugs, sitting next to her on the sofa.

"There you go, love." She said, handing her the tea. "What's wrong sweetheart?"

"It's the Doctor, he's been so brilliant and supportive and we've become really close in a different way to how we used to be. You know how I told you about the kiss we had after that party? Well, we were talking this morning and, please don't get angry because I know you don't like him at the moment but… we kissed again." Jackie raised her eyebrows.

"Well I can't say I like the timing of that, but why are you upset about it?" Rose looked down and spoke barely above a whisper.

"He pulled away." Jackie's face steeled, she couldn't believe the nerve the Doctor had to do this to Rose after everything that had happened. "He said it was because he didn't want to rush into things while the 'wounds are still fresh', but how do I know it's not because he doesn't want me and he was just sparing my feelings?" Jackie's anger quickly faded as she thought back to the night before, and she understood exactly why the Doctor did what he did.

"Oh sweetheart, I wish I could tell you to chuck him and run for the hills, but you need to know the truth. I spoke to him last night and he was beside himself about how much pain you went through while he was away, I've never seen him so upset and I don't think you will have either. He was in tears, Rose, and he definitely wasn't faking it. I saw him when he went to your room as well, I saw him look after you and treat you like you were the only person in the universe. I think he was telling the truth when he told you why he wanted to stop, he's just worried about you. I'm still bloody furious at him for what he did to you, I don't know how long it'll take me to get over it and I selfishly want you to stay here on Earth, but that man adores you. You must be blind if you don't see it." Rose was stunned, she knew the Doctor felt guilty but she had no idea it hurt him so much, and her mum was right, the Doctor had been so caring to her that it couldn't have been faked. Having said that, Rose had always known the Doctor cares about her a great deal, but she still had her doubts about his romantic feelings.

"I suppose you're right, but I don't think I'd go as far to say he loves me. At least not romantically. If he loved me, really loved me like I love him, I don't understand why he'd pull away." Jackie sighed and decided it probably wasn't the best for her to get too involved.

"You'll both figure it out, just don't jump to conclusions right now. Anyway, I think it's best you try to focus on yourself at the moment. You've been through hell after all." Rose nodded and took her mum's hand.

"Thanks, mum. I can't tell you how glad I am to finally be able to talk to you about this stuff." Jackie took Rose in her arms and held her tightly.

"I'm so glad you're home. How long do you think you'll be staying for?" Rose pulled away and thought for a moment.

"At least a week but maybe more, I guess I'll wait and see how we go. I want to be able to go to the city centre without panicking too much, I need to ease back into it all." Jackie nodded solemnly, and at this point the doorbell rang, so she went to get it and let the Doctor in. When they got to the living room, the Doctor and Rose smiled awkwardly at each other, and neither of them knew what to say.

"Right then, I'm gonna make some breakfast. Do you both want some scrambled eggs on toast?" Jackie said after a while, unable to cope with the tension.

"Yeah, thanks mum." Rose replied, and Jackie left the room, relieved to be out of that situation.

"Rose, I'm so sorry about before just please let me expla-"

"Doctor, no. I don't want to talk about what just happened, I have bigger things to be worrying about. Let's just forget about it, yeah?" Rose interrupted, and the Doctor nodded, sitting down next to her on the sofa. He really wanted to get this out in the open but he also didn't want to push it, and Rose was right, she had other things to think about. Rose looked at the Doctor to see him twiddling his thumbs, she could tell he was feeling guilty and she reminded herself how much good he has done for her recently. Slowly, she shuffled closer to him and leaned her head on his shoulder. She was surprised when the Doctor almost instantly wrapped his arm tightly around her in response and kissed the top of her head, lingering there for a while. If he couldn't say it in words, he at least wanted to find a way to show her how much she means to him. They sat in silence for a while, the Doctor softly stroking up and down Rose's arm until they heard Jackie come back and they broke apart, wary that she wouldn't like to see them acting like lovebirds right now.

When they had finished breakfast, Rose decided she needed to go and visit Mickey, it was about time she gave him a proper one to one explanation. Jackie had work that day, so she left with the Doctor on his own with nothing else to do so he decided to do some repairs in the TARDIS. When they got to the TARDIS, Rose stopped and realised if she wanted to visit Mickey, that meant walking to his flat on her own. He lived on the estate about two minutes away, but she hadn't been apart from the Doctor since he came back so it felt strange to her.

"I can walk with you to Mickey's if you want?" The Doctor asked, reading her mind.

"No, it's not like he lives far away and I don't think he'd want to see you right now. I'll see you later, yeah?"

"Yeah, we need to get those chips. Call me if you need me, though." Rose smiled and nodded, pausing before giving him a quick hug then walking away to Mickey's. The Doctor watched her walk away and couldn't help but worry about her when she was out of sight, he trusted Mickey but he knew Rose was still unstable and this morning won't have helped. He tried to distract himself with busy work in the TARDIS, but often found himself checking his phone in case she had called or texted. When Rose arrived at Mickey's flat and knocked on the door, she took a few deep breaths as she figured out what she wanted to say to him. The door opened revealing a dishevelled Mickey who had clearly just got out of bed, making Rose smirk a little.

"Sorry, did I wake you?"

"Yeah but I should get up anyway. What's up?"

"Can we talk?" Mickey sighed and nodded, stepping aside to let Rose in.

"Cup of tea?" He asked.

"Yeah but I'll make it while you get dressed, I know how you like it." Mickey just nodded and walked to his room.

"Sure, I'll be ready in five." When they had settled on the sofa, Rose took a few minutes to collect her thoughts.

"I just want to say first of all how sorry I am for leaving you here like this, I didn't want you to have to wait around with me, I just couldn't come back without the Doctor but I did it behind your back and that was wrong. I did miss you, Mickey, I missed you loads."

"But you missed him more." Rose didn't know what to say. "I'm right, I know I am, otherwise you would never have waited that long for him. Look, I know we're not together anymore, I think we've both known that for a while, but you've always been my best friend. You left me behind here, the TARDIS landed on earth and dematerialised around me, leaving me on a random street somewhere. You know where you left me, Rose?" Rose shook her head, she realised that she thought of home but she didn't actually think of a particular place, home could easily mean anywhere in England or even Earth. "Carlisle. About as far away as you can get without leaving the fucking country. I've never even been to Carlisle and I'd have been fucked if I didn't have my wallet. It was 11 o'clock at night as well, I had to wait until the next morning to get a train home, but you didn't think about that, did you? You were too busy thinking about him."

"Mickey, I'm so sorry, I didn't know I could fly the TARDIS with my mind, if I did I'd have dropped you right back home."

"Yeah but that's not the point, is it? You had no idea how long you were gonna be on that ship, I didn't know if I was ever gonna see you again. You know the worst part? I still love you. I've never loved anyone as much as I love you, and I started to think you were as good as dead." Mickey's voice cracked on the last word as he tried hard not to cry, Rose took his hand in hers and he looked at her to see tears running down her face.

"I do love you, Mickey, you mean so much to me and I'm sorry I never show it enough." Mickey shook his head and looked away.

"You don't love me like I love you, though. You love him like that. I just don't know what to do, Rose, I don't wanna lose you."

"You won't" Rose said in a stronger tone. "I promise you, you won't. But I don't want to avoid this conversation anymore, I had a lot of time to think about us when I was waiting on the TARDIS and I want us to sort… us out. I don't want to stay in your life and disrupt it if it means you can't get over your feelings for me, I want you to be happy." Mickey put his head in his hands for a few seconds, then looked up and turned to Rose.

"I don't want us to cut each other off, I want us to stay friends."

"I feel the same." Rose said quickly.

"You're going to keep travelling with him, aren't you?" Rose looked down and nodded. "Then I want to come with you when you go." Rose snapped her head up, she didn't think Mickey would want to stay friends with her let alone travel with her. "I know it's probably stupid of me if I still love you, but I don't trust the Doctor. He put you in danger, you could've died alone on that ship. I'd feel better being with you and I know Jackie would as well. Besides, I only had one trip with you two, I want a taste of the rest of the universe as well. It's your decision and I won't cut you off if you say no, but I'd feel better if I did." Rose smiled sadly at this.

"I want you to come with us, honest, but you need to give the Doctor a chance to make it up to you first, or at least prove he's trustworthy, it's his ship after all." Mickey thought about it, he was still angry at the Doctor but Rose was right, he needed to at least give him a chance.

"Fine, I can do that." Rose pulled him in for a hug and they stayed in each other's arms for a while, but Mickey pulled back and put a hand to her cheek, really looking at her properly. "You look so different, babe." Rose gave a humourless laugh.

"I look a state, don't I?"

"You need to eat more, that's for sure." Mickey dropped his hand and looked away. "I suppose you'll want to get back to him?" Rose shook her head.

"I'm not under any time pressure right now. We could put the telly on?" Mickey cracked a smile at this and reached for the remote. They ended up spending most of the day together, it was still a little awkward at first but after an hour they were pretty much back to their normal selves, laughing and joking as they always used to. Rose was relieved about this, but she still felt incredibly guilty and decided that she needed to pay more attention to Mickey, regardless of their romantic history he was one of her closest friends and he deserved to be treated better. When they had watched TV they decided to stay at his for lunch, the conversation had steadily been flowing and Rose hadn't realise just how much she missed having him around, she was making up for lost time, but she had completely forgotten about her promise for lunch with the Doctor. They played video games in the afternoon like they used to when they were teenagers, Rose was basking in the normality of it all.

"Fancy going to the pub for a pint?" Mickey asked after the tenth game of Burnout.

"I should probably get back home to mum, she'll probably have got back from work by now."

"What's the Doctor been doing all day?" Rose's eyes widened and she jumped up off the sofa.

"Oh my god, the Doctor! I completely forgot I was gonna have lunch with him!" She checked her watch. "5pm?! Blimey Mickey, how the hell did we manage that? I'm sorry, I've gotta go, he'll probably be worried about me. Today has been really great, though, I've missed you." Mickey stood up and gave her a hug.

"Missed you too, Rose. And I'll talk to the Doctor, give him a chance, I'll try not to be as mean this time, but I can't make any promises." Rose nodded and pulled away.

"I know, I understand. See you soon, Micks."

"Bye, Rose." When she left, she checked her phone and saw 54 missed calls from the Doctor, and felt incredibly guilty when she realised the Doctor didn't actually know where Mickey lived so couldn't have checked on her to see if she was alright. It took her two minutes to speed back to the TARDIS, and she nervously walked in to see the Doctor frantically typing something on the screen. On hearing the door close behind her, his head snapped up and he ran to her, taking her in his arms before she had time to react.

"Rose! Are you alright? Are you hurt? What happened?" The Doctor pulled away and looked at her all over to check for any potential injuries.

"I'm fine, I'm sorry I was at Mickey's and we lost track of time, I completely forgot I was going for lunch with you." The Doctor looked hurt by this.

"You didn't think to call or even text me? I thought something had happened, I didn't know where Mickey was and I was working on getting the TARDIS to track you down. I've been worried sick, Rose."

"I'm sorry I didn't call but it's not been that long, there's really no need to panic that much." The Doctor rolled his eyes and walked to the console to cancel the tracking software he was working on.

"I know, but you have to understand it's different at the moment, we've already discussed that you're not mentally healthy at the moment so when you go disappearing without any call or text I'm obviously going to worry. How did you forget anyway? It's not like you've got a busy schedule at the moment."

"Is that supposed to be a dig at me? I was spending the day with Mickey making up for the five and a half years I spent without seeing him, so I'm sorry if I was thinking about him rather than you for once!" Rose shouted, storming out of the TARDIS.

"Rose, wait!" The Doctor ran after her and grabbed her arm, turning her around. "I'm sorry, I was out of order saying that, I was just upset because I had been worrying about you all day but Mickey is important to you and it's fair enough that you wanted to spend the day with him. Let me make it up to you, I'll buy the chips?" Rose smirked slightly and shook her head.

"You don't have any money you daft git. I'm sorry I worried you so much, I came as soon as I remembered." The Doctor pulled her in for another hug.

"I know, I overreacted, can we please go for some chips? I've been craving them all day since you mentioned it." Rose smiled and pulled away.

"Yeah, come on let's go." They set off together, and when they reached the end of the estate they came out onto a pavement where the odd car was going past. Rose gasped and jumped when the first car went past them, and she instantly grabbed onto the Doctor's hand for security. He squeezed it in response and noticed her breathing was becoming slightly more shallow.

"Are you alright?" Rose gave a sharp nod. "If you need us to turn back at any moment, just let me know, okay?" Rose just nodded again and they kept walking until they reached the street where the chippy was on. The street was fairly busy at this time of day, and Rose's eyes frantically darted around from person to person. She suddenly felt very vulnerable and on show, she felt as though everywhere she looked someone was looking at her and she wasn't used to so many people being nearby. Her breathing quickened, her head began to throb slightly and she was starting to feel nauseous.

"Doctor, I don't like this." She said, and he put an arm around her leaning his head down to her.

"Do you want to go back?" He asked softly.

"I want to be able to do this." She said as tears formed in her eyes.

"Okay, well we walked past a park just then so how about we find a bench there and see what we want to do?" Rose nodded and the Doctor led her to the park, finding a bench to sit on and luckily there was barely anyone around. Rose sat down and the Doctor crouched in front of her, taking her hands in his, her breathing had become quicker and more shallow to the point where she was having a panic attack. "Rose, sweetheart, look at me." Rose's frightened eyes met his warm reassuring ones. "I want you to breathe with me, like we've done before, okay? Take a deep breath in with me, and then out again." The Doctor guided her breathing with her for a few breaths until she had calmed down, and she put her head in her hands.

"I'm sorry, this is so stupid." The Doctor sat next to her and put his arm around her.

"You haven't seen more than three people at the same time in five and a half years, Rose, let alone strangers. It's bound to be overwhelming and scary, but you've made such an improvement in such a short time, please don't beat yourself up about this. Do you want to go home?" Rose shook her head.

"No, I really want to be able to do this. Can we just wait here for a little bit?"

"Of course. What did you and Mickey get up to today?"

"We watched TV and played video games all day like we used to do on the weekends when we were younger, it was really nice actually, a bit of normality. I apologised to him for leaving him back on Earth and we talked a bit about, well, us. We've both known for a while that it was over between us but we never really said it so we cleared the air a bit. Oh, I should let you know that he asked if he could come along with us when we leave, he said he'd give you a chance to make it up to him first though because it'd be a bit awkward otherwise. It's just that he's worried about me going off with you again, and it'll give him and mum a bit more peace of mind. What do you think?" The Doctor was surprised by this at first but he understood Mickey's reasoning and it made sense that he didn't trust him at the moment.

"Of course, I'll make an effort, I promise. We'll see how it goes while we're here. How are you feeling?"

"Better, I think I'm ready to face it again." The Doctor took Rose's hand and they started walking again.

"Just remember, these people are just going about their daily business like us, they're not a threat. If there is a danger, I'm right here and I won't let anything happen to you. You're safe, Rose. You're perfectly safe." The words of comfort helped Rose keep her cool somewhat, she felt a little more prepared to face the busier street and before she knew it they had made it to the chippy. The Doctor leaned in extremely close to her ear so his breath tickled her neck. "I'm so proud of you." Rose blushed and looked down then nudged him in the ribs and pointed to show they were next in line. When they got their chips, they decided to eat in the shop, Rose wanted to see how long she could deal with being out and about.

"Oh my god." She said, marvelling at how delicious it was when she popped the first chip into her mouth. "I forgot how good these were, the frozen chips from the TARDIS will never compare to these beauties." The Doctor chuckled.

"They are brilliant. How's your head, by the way? Have you had any pain?"

"I've had a dull pain all day but nothing unbearable, it got worse before though."

"I'll give you a head massage later if you like." Rose replied, not looking up from her food.

"Maybe, it might get better when I get home anyway." The Doctor nodded, Rose still seemed to be acting a bit off with him and he was positive it was about what happened earlier in the morning. When they finished and walked back, Rose stopped at the TARDIS. "It's probably best you sleep here tonight, I doubt mum will want you to sleep in my bed and the sofa can't be as comfy as your own bed." The Doctor's face dropped and he tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

"What if you have a nightmare?" Rose shook her head.

"I'll be fine, I've coped without you before when I've had nightmares. Besides, my mum will be there. See you tomorrow, Doctor." Rose walked away, leaving the Doctor feeling deflated. Later that night, Rose was tossing and turning in bed, she was trapped in an awful nightmare where the Doctor took off in the TARDIS without her because he had grown tired of her. When she woke up, the voices of him were still going round her head, tears were streaming down her face and she couldn't think straight.

 _You're pathetic, Rose. You really thought someone like me could love someone like you? I was relieved when you told me not to sleep in bed with you, at least now I can have an uninterrupted night of sleep._

"Stop it, stop it…" Rose whispered, she felt that loneliness and emptiness overcome her and she didn't know what to do with herself. She felt numb, and she could only think of one thing that would bring her out of that feeling because going to the Doctor definitely wasn't an option, in her mind he wouldn't want to see her. She went to her bathroom and locked herself in, making sure to be quiet so she didn't wake her mum, and took out the razor to cut. She held her arm over the sink, rolled up her sleeve and made the first stroke across her wrist with the blades, releasing a deep sigh of relief at the feeling. She did it until her arm was covered in blood, and seemed to sober up at the sight.

"Shit…" She whispered, rummaging through the cabinet to find wipes and bandages. She hastily sorted her arm out and cleaned up the sink before trudging back to bed where she curled up into a tight ball and silently sobbed. Her head began to throb again, and she couldn't hold back from crying out loud at the combined pain of her arm and her head. She felt completely alone in the universe once again, but this time she felt like she deserved it.


	12. Chapter 12

**Hope you guys enjoy this chapter! They'll be off on their travels again soon, their story is far from done!**

 **Trigger warning for mentions of self harm.**

Rose was still crying when she heard a soft knock on her door, so she swiftly rolled her sleeves down to cover the cuts on her arm.

"Come in." She called out, and she sat up in bed to see her mum walk through the door. Jackie got into bed with Rose and put her arm around her, stroking her hair like she used to when Rose woke up from nightmares as a child.

"Was it a nightmare, darling?" Rose nodded and tried to compose herself, wiping her eyes.

"I hate this, mum, it's every night, it just doesn't stop. It was getting better but then that whole thing happened this morning and it's just messed up my head again." Jackie sighed.

"Maybe you should talk to him about this properly, I'm sure it's not as bad between you two as you think it is."

"I don't know, I really don't want to bring it up again, I just feel so overwhelmed all of a sudden. One minute I was on the TARDIS doing the same thing day in day out, and now I'm suddenly being thrown back into real life. I just want to see how well I can handle being around other people, I don't want to be worrying about my relationship with the Doctor now. That can wait."

"Alright, sweetheart. Well let's get your mind off it then, have you got any ideas for what you want to do tomorrow? We could go to the pub in the evening if you want, with it being a Friday, I bet you're dying for a proper pint." Rose perked up at this.

"You know what, I really am, god I didn't realise how long it had been since I had good beer."

"There we go then, so you can have a nice relaxed day tomorrow and then we can go to the pub in the evening." Rose smiled and yawned, feeling more relaxed. "Get some sleep now, sweetheart. Do you want me to stay with you?"

"No, that's okay, I'm feeling better now anyway, thanks mum." They said goodnight to each other and Rose settled back into bed to go to sleep feeling a bit better, or at least in a clearer head. She was still worried about the Doctor but decided the best thing to do would be to focus on the next few days with her mum and Mickey. She thought about calling up some other friends like Shareen and decided that for now she didn't want to see anyone who she wouldn't be able to give an explanation about her appearance to. The next day, Rose was so exhausted from her disturbed night that she slept in until 11am, and when she went into the living room still in her pyjamas she was surprised to see the Doctor on her sofa watching TV.

"Morning sleepyhead, your mum let me in when she left for work, she wasn't sure if you'd want to be on your own or not. Did you sleep alright?" The Doctor asked on seeing her enter.

"Uh, yeah, thanks. Do you want a cuppa?" Rose replied, still half asleep.

"I'll make us both one, I've been sitting around too much, you make yourself comfortable on the sofa." Rose nodded and flopped down and the Doctor returned with two steaming mugs a few minutes later, passing one to Rose then sitting next to her. "So you slept okay? Any nightmares?" The Doctor asked, even though he already knew the answer to that question. When Jackie let him in that morning she told him about Rose's nightmare, she didn't give him any details about what it was, just that it seemed to be a bad one.

"No, I was fine." Rose replied bluntly. The Doctor opened and closed his mouth a few times as Rose looked straight ahead at the telly, but he decided not to say anything else on the matter. "Doctor, what did you and Mickey talk about when I was in my room the other day? It's just I was surprised that he was so open to the idea of giving you a second chance."

"Well, he wanted me to think about leaving you here. He was obviously really angry with me about what happened and doesn't trust me to look after you, so he told me it would be for the best for me to leave you." Rose was stunned, this wasn't the answer she expected.

"And what did you say?"

"I said I'd think about it but not because I want to leave you behind." He added before Rose could react properly. "I just needed him to know I wasn't taking our situation lightly, I'm obviously not going to actually do that." Rose nodded and didn't say any more on the matter, but the wheels in her head were turning and she realised that Mickey was so relaxed about travelling with the Doctor because there was a chance he might not even let her back into the TARDIS. She couldn't trust the Doctor when he said he wouldn't do that, especially not after what happened yesterday, and it was becoming clearer to her that maybe this was his way of hinting to her that she needed to leave.

They sat for a while watching the news without talking, then Rose got up to put her mug away.

"I'm gonna get a shower then might take a walk round the streets but you're welcome to stay here if you've got nothing to do in the TARDIS, I'll leave you the spare key." She said casually when she returned from the kitchen.

"Oh, right, do you not want me to come with you?" Rose shook her head.

"No, I just need some space at the moment. We're going to the pub tonight though, you're welcome to join then, I'll ask Mickey if he's up for it as well."

"Sounds lovely, just let me know when you're going, I'll just carry on working on the TARDIS." The Doctor sensed she probably wanted to avoid one on one interaction for the time being, and she only agreed to chips yesterday because she needed emotional support for going out of the estate. He didn't like how distant she was being, but they'd only end up arguing if he pushed her too hard. He did, however, decide to wait until she was leaving to leave himself in case she got outside and decided she did want support.

"Right, so I'll text you when we're going to the pub, yeah?" Rose asked when they got to the TARDIS.

"Yeah, are you sure you don't want me to walk with you? I can be completely silent if you want." Rose rolled her eyes and suppressed a smile.

"No, I'll be fine. See ya." She replied, then turned to leave.

"Rose, wait." The Doctor blurted out, and Rose turned around, her arms crossed. "Look, about yesterday morning-"

"I said I don't wanna talk about it, Doctor. Just drop it."

"I know and we don't have to talk about it but I feel like you're pushing me away and I just want to know what I did to upset you. I'm truly sorry for whatever I've done, Rose, I want to fix this." Rose shook her head.

"You can't apologise when you don't know what you're apologising for."

"Then tell me what to apologise for, tell me what's wrong, please!" The Doctor begged.

"That's not how it works, and I'm not angry at you for anything, you've done nothing wrong."

"But something is wrong." He interjected.

"I don't want to talk about this, it's best we don't talk about it."

"Can't you see why that makes it all the more important to talk about? Something's bothering you and I'm worried about you, please just let me help."

"I'm not your fucking patient, Doctor! I'm not yours to fix, I'm not your responsibility, so stop treating me like it, I don't need your help with every single problem I have! Until you realise that, you won't get rid of this guilt you have about me. Just. Drop. It. Don't make me say it again, and don't bother coming to the pub tonight." Rose walked away, leaving the Doctor completely stunned. He didn't understand where all of this came from, until yesterday Rose had seemed happy with the amount of involvement he had in her recovery from what happened on the spaceship. Perhaps he could dial it down a little, but he had been so worried about her wellbeing he didn't consider what he was doing could have been too much, and it made it more difficult to judge considering he had been her only company for the past two weeks. He didn't want to completely distance himself because he knew deep down she still wanted him, or else she'd have told him to leave, but he decided that for now the best thing to do would be to leave her be until she came to him, the last thing he wanted to do was smother her.

Rose left the estate with her head in a mess, she was beginning to get a headache and she felt awful about her outburst with the Doctor. When she reached the park they went to the previous day, she flopped down onto the bench and put her head in her hands.

"You've really done it this time, Rose…" She did believe there was a positive to it, however, maybe now he would leave and live a happier life without feeling guilty about her. It would kill her, but she knew it was for the best for him. When she psyched herself up, she managed to walk a little further down the street but this time she couldn't stop the panic, and without the Doctor there to calm her down she didn't know what to do. She had two options: have a panic attack in the street or sprint home and have one there, which is what she decided to do. She ran down the street, ignoring the people who were staring at her, but tripped on the pavement and fell to the floor. She managed to put her hands out so she didn't hit her face, but the blow caused her to stay there for a few seconds, enough time for a stranger to come and help her up.

"You alright, love?" The 30 something year old woman asked as Rose got to her feet.

"Y-yeah, thanks." Rose replied looking like a rabbit in the headlights, before sprinting off again as that was all she could think to do. When she got to her flat she was hyperventilating and she couldn't regulate her breathing no matter how much she tried. She suddenly felt nauseous from the sprinting and the fear of it all, so she rushed to the toilet to be sick. When she finished, she was no longer hyperventilating, but she felt incredibly light headed. She shakily stood up and tried to walk to her room, but her ears were ringing and black spots appeared in her vision, and when she reached the bathroom door everything went black. When Rose woke up she winced at the sharp pain in her head, she no longer felt sick or anxious but she felt like she had been run over by a bus and she felt incredibly frustrated about how she had no control over the whole situation. She was relieved to see that no one had discovered her, and after getting a glass of water she decided to try and make herself look less manic by putting some makeup on to cover up the blotchiness of her face. She spent the rest of the day watching telly wrapped up in a blanket with the occasional cup of tea, after all the stress of the start of her day Rose felt the best thing to do would be to relax.

Later that evening Rose, Mickey and Jackie were at the local pub cheersing the first pint of the night, and when Rose took that first sip she was in heaven.

"Oh my god, it's everything I've ever wanted and more."

"I thought the Doctor was gonna be here?" Mickey asked as Jackie shook her head frantically at him.

"It's alright mum, yeah he was but we had a fight. It was my fault, he was only trying to figure out what was wrong but I said some mean things, I don't really wanna go into it right now though." Rose replied, swiftly taking another gulp of her pint.

"Well if you need me to beat him into his next regeneration then just let me know." Mickey replied, causing both women to roll their eyes. "What?! I could take the Doctor any day." Jackie and Rose were trying desperately to hold back laughter. "I could! I've been working out, I'd knock on the TARDIS and say 'Hey doc, you, me, outside.' All cool and that and then I'd beat him to a pulp." Rose burst out laughing followed swiftly by Jackie.

"I'm sorry Mickey, it's just too funny to picture." Rose said between laughs as Mickey looked grumpy. "But thankyou for the offer." She added when she calmed down, putting her hand over his earning a small smile from him. "Anyway, I don't want to think about Doctor stuff, I want to hear the latest gossip. Any drama on the estate?" It was Jackie's turn to pipe up this time.

"Well, you know your mate Shareen? She's pregnant. I've heard all sorts about who the father is but my best bet is that it's a bloke from a one night stand, she's not been seeing anyone as far as I know. Have you spoken to her yet, Rose? You two were always close." Rose frowned and shook her head.

"I want to, I really do but she doesn't know about the Doctor and how the hell am I gonna explain my appearance to her? It's too complicated, I'll visit her when I look less shit."

"I suppose that makes sense but I'm sure she wouldn't mind. Anyway, there's more gossip, Babs who lives two doors down from us had been going on at me about how I need to settle down and find a man now my daughter's moved out but then she would criticise every guy she saw me with to their face then tell them all my embarrassing stories or habits or whatever. Like she gives a shit about who I end up with, she just likes to ridicule me whenever she can." Rose rolled her eyes.

"Typical of Babs, do you remember when she tried to get you that ASBO when all we did was play music before going out? It wasn't even that late! Bloody drama queen that woman is."

"Oh god don't remind me. Well, I was getting sick of it and I was gonna tell her just what I thought of her 'advice' when I was drunk at 1 in the morning after being at the pub with Sue and Marge, but I caught her kissing this random bloke goodbye in her doorway. Full on snogging, they were. She saw me briefly when I went back into the flat and begged me the next morning to keep it to myself. She's been very polite ever since I got dirt on her." Rose's mouth dropped open.

"Oh my god, mum! You've finally got one on Babs! She's been on your case for years, that must've felt good. She's still married, isn't she?" Jackie nodded.

"She's been with Mike for 23 years, still with him. God knows how long she's been cheating, but Mike has always been so clueless I doubt he suspects a thing."

"Wow, just goes to show you never know what goes on behind closed doors." As the night went on, the three of them chatted, laughed, drank and laughed some more. And then drank some more. And more. Rose kept buying the rounds but she was definitely drinking more than Jackie and Mickey, she forgot how much she liked the old drink away your problems technique.

"So, Rose, we're desperate to know, you said you gave the Doctor hell for being a massive prick, so my question," Jackie slurred and stopped to hiccup, "is, well, did you?"

"Yeah babe, we need to know if you held back on him or not." Mickey added.

"Well of course she bloody held back, they were sleeping in the same bed the other night!" Jackie cut in before Rose could answer. The table went silent and Jackie clasped her hand over her mouth. "Oh my god I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that, should I?"

"It's alright Jackie, we've not been together for a while. I want to know the answer to your question." Mickey replied, quickly veering away from the awkward moment, Rose gave him a grateful smile and spoke.

"Well, I was happy to see him at first but then he went back for that posh French girl and that was the final straw. I ignored him for a while then shouted at him then ignored him some more then… we worked it out I suppose. You'd understand if you were there, it was different."

"Woah, woah, hold on." Mickey interrupted. "He went back for Reinette?" Rose nodded and took another glug of her beer.

"Yep, he didn't know how long he had been away at that point, but I was still furious."

"What the fuck?! Are you not still angry?" Rose frowned.

"Of course I am, I'm angry at the whole situation, it's not fair. I'm getting another drink." She added, looking at her empty glass. She got up but tripped on her chair leg and fell to the floor, causing all three of them to burst into laughter as Mickey helped her up.

"I don't think so love," Jackie replied, "I think it's bedtime. Come on, let's go home." Rose pouted.

"Fine but we're staying out longer next time." They walked back to the estate and said goodnight to Mickey before heading to their own flat. When they walked past the TARDIS, Rose banged on the door. "Oy! Doctor! Come out, come out, wherever you are!" She shouted, still completely hammered, causing Jackie to burst into a fit of giggles.

"Rose! That is definitely not a good idea, come on let's go home." Jackie was pulling Rose's arm but Rose didn't take her mum seriously as she couldn't stop laughing.

"Doctor!" Rose shouted, still banging on the door, which swung open to reveal a half asleep Time Lord in his pyjamas.

"Rose? What the hell are you doing?" He asked as both women burst into laughter at the sight of him.

"W-we've just been to the pub, wanna do some shots?" Rose slurred out, Jackie was almost on the floor she was laughing so much, but the Doctor only sighed.

"I was sleeping, so no, come on let's get you two home to bed." He said, taking Rose's arm which she swiftly pulled away.

"No! I'm not a child!" She shouted, her mood taking a drastic u-turn.

"I never said you were, you're just drunk so you should go to sleep that's all."

"Well I can go by myself. I'm used to doing things by myself, Doctor. You should know that." They stood there in silence for a few seconds, Rose and Jackie swaying slightly, the Doctor looking incredibly hurt.

"You know how sorry I am, Rose. I'm doing everything I can to make this right." Rose shook as she tried to hold the tears back, but she was drunk so she failed almost instantly in that.

"You can't make it right! You ruined me! I'm a fucking mess, Doctor, and it's all your fault!" She yelled, but Jackie seemed to have sobered up by this point, as she tugged her arm and pulled her away.

"Come on, Rose. You don't want to do this now, let's go home." Jackie said then put an arm around her and lead her away, turning her head round to the Doctor as they walked. "I'm sorry, Doctor. I'll look after her, goodnight." The Doctor simply nodded and walked back into the TARDIS in complete shock at how quickly that all escalated. He received a comforting hum from the TARDIS when he walked back into the console room, so he stroked one of her beams in return.

"She's right. I ruined everything. I just want to make it right, old girl. I don't know what to do." The TARDIS put a message on the screen in reply to him

The Doctor put his head in his hands and shook his head, flopping down onto the jumpseat.

"I'm not sure it will." He replied, then decided to get dressed and do some more repairs that didn't really need doing but there was no way he was going to get back to sleep after that. A few hours later at the flat, Rose was screaming in her sleep and Jackie was shaking her shoulders, shouting to her to wake up.

"Come on, sweetheart! It's not real, it's just a nightmare, you're safe, darling!" Rose's eyes snapped open and she was hyperventilating.

"DOCTOR! Where's the Doctor? He's left me, hasn't he? I ruined everything! My head, oh my god make it stop! DOCTOR! PLEASE!" Rose wailed and sobbed, yelling the Doctor's name and she hadn't seemed to notice her mum's presence at all, she had been talking to herself rather than anyone else. Jackie was at a loss for what to do, tears were running down her cheeks as her heart broke over the pain of her daughter, so she ran out of the room, put some shoes on and sprinted to the TARDIS. She banged the door and yelled the Doctor's name but he eventually answered it.

"Jackie? Sorry I was doing repairs, what's wrong? Is Rose okay?" Jackie shook her head and tried not to break down.

"She's in a state, Doctor, she was screaming in her sleep and when she woke up she was yelling for you, I don't think she could hear me, she just kept shouting about her head and how she ruined everything and I can't calm her down, please help her!" She said between sobs and the Doctor wasted no time in running to the flat, Jackie following close behind. When they got outside Rose's bedroom door and heard that she was no longer shouting the Doctor turned to Jackie.

"You make yourself a cup of tea and I'll sort her out, she might get overwhelmed with both of us in the room." Jackie nodded, she didn't like it but after the way he calmed her down a couple of nights before, she trusted him to do the right thing so went to the kitchen to make a drink. The Doctor knocked on Rose's door, and heard Rose sniffle and take a few shaky breaths before she spoke.

"Come in." The Doctor walked in and saw Rose lying in the fetal position clutching her head, shaking slightly. He crouched down in front of her and brushed some hair out of her face to see her eyes screwed shut, her face blotchy from crying, pain etched into her features.

"Rose, it's me, can you open your eyes at all?" Rose's eyes squinted open and widened at the sight of him.

"Doctor? What are you doing here?" Rose asked, looking at him with teary eyes.

"Your mum ran to the TARDIS to bring me here, she said tried to talk to you but you were crying out for me when you had woken up from your nightmare. What's wrong, sweetheart?" Rose looked away, trying to hold back sobs. She really didn't want to seem weak in front of the Doctor but she was afraid and in so much pain that she didn't have the energy to worry about that anymore, in this moment all she wanted was to be held by him.

"My head, it hurts. It really hurts, Doctor." Rose whimpered before breaking down into tears as the pain became too much to bear, and the Doctor's hearts broke at the sight of how vulnerable she seemed.

"Oh, Rose, you should've said. Whatever problems we may be having, I'm not going to stop taking care of you, alright?" Rose nodded and the Doctor took off his jacket, tie, shoes and socks and moved to sit next to her in bed, putting her head in his lap then massaging her temples. She closed her eyes again because even the slightest bit of light was too much for her and she was so exhausted from her breakdown, so when she opened her eyes after about fifteen minutes because she felt better, she saw the Doctor looking down at her with so much love and sadness.

"I've been so awful to you, why are you being nice to me?" She croaked out.

"We're going through a rough patch, that's all. I'm still here, I'm not going anywhere. It'll take a lot more than that to push me away, Rose. I just wish I knew why you were upset with me." Rose sighed.

"I thought this was what you wanted though, for me to push you away." The Doctor was taken aback by this.

"Why on earth would I want that?" Rose wiped her eyes and composed herself a bit.

"Well, you're making arrangements to get rid of me, aren't you? Sorting me out with a therapist so I don't off myself when you go or anything, telling Mickey you'll think about asking me to leave, plus you seemed surprised that I want to spend my life with you. Also, there was when you… pulled away from me the other day. I figured if I was mean or cold enough to you then it would make it easier for you to leave." The Doctor briefly put his head in his hands, he felt awful that Rose had been building up this idea in her head without him knowing and he hated that this was always what she resorted to in her assumptions.

"Is your headache better?" Rose nodded. "Good, okay then, sit up for me. I want you to look at me when I say this so you know I'm telling the truth." Rose slowly sat up and reluctantly looked at the Doctor, who had an earnest expression as he took her hands in his. "I want you to look into the possibility of therapy so you could get some help dealing with everything, but I'd be supporting you in this every step of the way. I'm not doing it so I have an excuse to get rid of you, I could never leave you, Rose, you're so important to me, more than you realise. I said that to Mickey because he was furious about what happened and needed to know I was taking his worries seriously, but like I said, it will never happen. I respect Mickey's reasons for wanting it, but nothing could make me leave you, not even logic. I was surprised that you wanted to spend your life with me because it amazes me that someone as brilliant, caring, compassionate and beautiful as you wants to do that with someone like me. I never got a chance to properly explain myself for pulling away, but the reason for it was because I wanted us to do this properly. I… I want to take you out properly and show you just how much you mean to me, and I want to wait until then to do anything. I know it sounds like a stupid reason but you deserve better than the odd spontaneous kiss, I want us to be together properly. Believe me, I did not want to pull away. These," he moved her hands to his hearts so she could feel them beating, "feel nothing but adoration for you." Rose was speechless and tears sprang to her eyes.

"Oh." Was all she could say, she had been so convinced her and the Doctor were finished that this came as a big shock to her. The Doctor pulled her into a hug and she buried her head in his chest, listening to his hearts until he eventually pulled away and put his arm around her, moving so they were leaning against the headboard.

"I'll never have a problem reassuring you about these things but would you please tell me when you're getting these thoughts into your head? I don't want them to build like that and escalate because it just causes you more distress. Please try and be more honest with me, Rose. I don't care how many times I have to tell you until you believe I'm staying by your side for good." Rose looked up at the Doctor then threw her arms around his neck, gripping onto him for dear life.

"I will, I promise. I'm so sorry, Doctor. You're everything to me and the thought of you leaving again drives me mad, it makes me do such stupid things but I know I need to sort that out. I was so awful to you, I don't deserve you." The Doctor held her tight in response, stroking her back.

"Hush now, it's forgotten, okay? Yes, there are things that need sorting out, fears and insecurities, but we're going to do it together, Rose. You're not alone anymore, you hear me? I know you said before that you're used to being alone but that doesn't make it okay for you to feel lonely, you've had enough lonely days for a lifetime."

"Doctor, I was drunk when I said that, I didn't mean-"

"But you were telling the truth, weren't you? That you're used to being alone." The Doctor interrupted, he felt Rose hold him tighter and nod.

"I didn't mean the bit about it being your fault, though, that was really awful of me to say."

"I know you didn't mean it like that but like I said I do need to take part of the responsibility so I'm not hurt or angry that you said it at all, you were just upset which is perfectly understandable given the circumstances. Look, Rose, you've got me, whether you think you deserve me or not, I'm here. I don't think I deserve you and yet here you are. So let's just accept that this is how it is now, alright?" Rose nodded and pulled away, leaning on his shoulder as he put his arm around her. It was then that she noticed her sleeve rolled up slightly when she hugged him, revealing the bandage. She went to tug the sleeve down but it was too late, the Doctor gripped her hand as it reached the sleeve and she let go. The Doctor's hand hovered over her arm for a few moments. "Can I see?" Rose nodded into his shoulder so he delicately rolled up her sleeve and saw the bandage reached up to her elbow. "Where do you keep the bandages? I'll need to redress it once I've had a look."

"They're in the bathroom cabinet."

"Alright, I'll go and grab them, you stay here." Rose nodded and he left, returning a minute later with bandages and antiseptic wipes. He turned on the main light to see her arm better then sat down beside her and unravelled her bandage, revealing angry red cuts littering her arm and some dried blood covering them. "Oh, Rose. When did you do this?" Rose was looking down when she talked.

"Last night, I had a bad nightmare." The Doctor started to wipe the cuts clean, and Rose flinched a little when it stung.

"Sorry, I'll be finished soon. Sweetheart, you didn't clean these properly at all, they could've very easily become infected, I'm guessing it's because you woke up from a nightmare so you probably weren't thinking straight. Look, you don't need to tell me why you've done it if you don't want to in the future, just please tell me if you do it again so I can properly take care of them, alright?" He asked, still sorting out her arm.

"This was just a one time thing though, I've sorted them out properly every other time." Rose replied defensively. The Doctor sighed and started to bandage her arm.

"I know, but you had the TARDIS to prompt you if you needed to sort it properly, am I right in thinking she did that?" After a short silence, Rose replied in a small voice.

"Yes." When he was finished, he looked up from her arm he saw Rose was biting her lip as tears fell silently down her face. He sat against the headboard and pulled her onto his lap, rocking her slightly.

"Hey, hey, it's alright, I didn't say that to scare you or make you feel bad, this isn't your fault, I just need to be able to know these things so you don't get ill. Talk to me, Rose. What's wrong?" Rose hid her face in the Doctor's chest as she spoke.

"I'm so tired of this, Doctor, I hate being like this. I should be able to take care of myself, I should be able to wipe and bandage cuts properly but clearly I'm incapable. I want to be okay again, I want us to go back to how it was."

"I know, and we'll get through this, Rose, I promise you. We've just had a setback, that's all, I'm not upset with you for hurting yourself and you are of course usually capable of cleaning and bandaging your cuts but when you're having a breakdown or your head is a bit scrambled, there's nothing wrong with turning to me for help with things like this. We have to be a team now, I hate it when we fall out." He felt Rose nod against his chest.

"I hate it too, I hate sleeping without you as well, please stay here tonight. I need you." The Doctor kissed the top of Rose's head.

"I'm not going anywhere, I'll stay right here. Are you tired?" Rose nodded and they shuffled to lie down, Rose held on tightly to the Doctor as though he could disappear at any second, and he wrapped his arms around her.

"So, you have feelings for me?" She asked after a while, the Doctor chuckled.

"I think I made that rather obvious, I have kissed you twice, I told you that I adore you and that I want to go on a date with you. So, Miss Tyler, when we go back on our travels, may I take you on an official romantic date?" Rose's heart fluttered and she couldn't stop grinning.

"Nothing would make me happier." She replied, and the Doctor kissed the top of her head as she yawned.

"Get some sleep, love. You're going to feel rough in the morning." Rose groaned at this.

"Oh god, I got really drunk, didn't I? I'm so sorry about that."

"Don't worry about it, did you have a good time other than the end of the night?" He felt Rose nod against his chest.

"It was really fun, you're coming next time."

"Nothing would make me happier." He replied, earning a giggle from Rose. "How was your walk earlier as well?" Rose huffed and shook her head.

"Awful. I made it to the park and got upset about our fight, then once I calmed down I got a bit of a way down the road before feeling a panic attack come on, running home, tripping and falling over on the way so had my first interaction with a stranger who helped me up. They must've thought I was barmy the way I looked at them. Anyway, I got home and hyperventilated for a bit then threw up in the toilet and tried to go to bed but I fainted on the way. No one was in so I spent the rest of the day watching TV. All in all, pretty rubbish." The Doctor gripped Rose tighter.

"I wish I could've been there, I hate the thought of you dealing with that on your own. We can keep trying to see how far we can go if you want, I'll come with you of course, and we won't push it too hard. I definitely don't want you fainting or being sick again."

"Yeah, that sounds good. Maybe an early morning sometime when not many people are about? Not tomorrow, of course, I'm definitely going to be sleeping through to the afternoon."

"So will I, we can have a lie in tomorrow, but we can try the morning after if you want." Rose smiled at the thought of another lie in with the Doctor.

"That sounds perfect."

"Rose, there is one more thing I want to talk about before we go to sleep. Hey, it's okay, it isn't anything to worry about." He added when he felt Rose tense up in his arms. "I just wanted to know if I'm getting too involved in your recovery, I don't want to smother you at all. I want you to feel like we're an equal partnership, not that I'm your doctor and you're my patient." Rose sighed and spent a while thinking about what she wanted to say.

"I don't feel like you're overwhelming, it's nice to have the support when I've been deprived of anything like it for the past five and a half years, especially physical comfort like this. I suppose I just sometimes feel a little embarrassed that you have to help me out all the time, I don't like that I'm not capable of certain things anymore, but it's nothing on you. Just, I don't know, maybe check up on me a bit less than you do now? Trust me to come to you, it'll help me with being more honest with you if I don't rely on you always prompting me to say something. You've done nothing wrong, though, you couldn't have known that."

"Of course, I completely understand. There's no shame in what you're going through but I'll tone it down unless I think you're going to have a bad breakdown."

"Yeah, that's fair enough. Thanks, Doctor."

"No problem. Oh, I should probably let your mum know you're okay, she was trying to calm you down earlier so she's been worried. You stay here, I'll be back in a bit." He left Rose in bed and went to the living room where Jackie stood up from the sofa.

"Is she okay? I didn't hear any shouting or anything." Jackie asked, looking incredibly worried.

"She's okay, we're about to go to sleep, do you mind if I sleep in her bed?"

"No, she feels calmer around you and that's what's important. Thanks for looking after her, Doctor." The Doctor pulled her into a hug.

"I'm so sorry, Jackie. I'm helping her, I promise, we're going to look into therapy for her."

"That sounds like a good idea, and it's okay. I never thought I'd say that, I'm still pissed off at you of course but I know how much you care about her. So, it's okay." Jackie pulled away and they bid each other goodnight before the Doctor returned to Rose who instantly cuddled up to him as soon as he got into bed.

"How was she?" Rose asked, feeling guilty that she caused her mum distress.

"She's fine, she was just worried. She even gave me permission to sleep in your bed."

"Wow, you're clearly persuasive." Rose replied.

"I persuaded you to travel with me, didn't I? Even with those big ears." Rose chuckled at that.

"I didn't need much convincing to be fair." They both yawned at the same time and laughed a little at being in sync.

"Sleep time I think, wake me up if you get a headache, alright?" Rose nodded and snuggled closer to him, and he nuzzled into her hair. "Goodnight, Rose."

"Night, Doctor."


End file.
